


Deadpool Solves Maria

by RJSpindle



Category: Deadpool (2016), The Sound of Music - Rodgers/Hammerstein/Lindsay & Crouse
Genre: Edge of Seventeen Bootylicious Mashup, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Montages galore, Multi, Sort Of, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Violence against frog, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-03-24 05:07:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13804050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RJSpindle/pseuds/RJSpindle
Summary: When it comes to problem solving, there's nothing Deadpool can't do with some guns, a couple of katanas, and a small army of Von Trapp children.  See them stomp the patriarchy, discover latent fighting abilities, and face Hitler in this never before seen retelling of The Sound of Music.  Oh yeah, don't forget the zombies!  Deadpool Solves Maria, coming to an AO3 near you!This fic is complete and we will post a chapter each Monday until we run out!  We hope you enjoy the ride.Note:[[yellow box]][white box]





	1. Problem? There’s No Problem

“Poo-tee-weet.1"

“Have you ever woken up after a night of hard partying, flying over Austria with no idea how you got there?” I asked you. Yes, you reading my fic. “With a metabolism and healing factor like mine, it doesn’t happen very often. Nevertheless, here I was. Me, Deadpool, coasting through clouds over the Alps. Narrating my own life.”

“Poo-tee-weet!”

“What the hell was that?”

[[It was a bird, asshole,]] said a voice in my head.

“Language, Yellow,” I shook my noggin. “What kind of a bird says ‘poo-tee-weet’ anyways?” I heard brass and woodwind instruments start to play. Then I spotted something moving in the middle of a clearing on a hill below. It was a woman dressed as a nun. She tore off her veil, stretched out her arms, and stepped into the sunshine. “NO. WAY!”

“The hills are alive with the sound of music,” she sang. I instantly recognized her as Maria Von Trapp--oh, shit. Spoilers! “With songs they have sung for a thousand years! The hills fill my heart with the sound of music. My heart wants to sing every song it hears.”

And my heart wants to explode from excessive happy realizing where I was. I dove down for a landing near the trees at the end of the clearing.

“My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds that rise from the lake to the trees,” Maria swung around the trees in time with the music, one with her environment. “My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies from a church on a breeze.” She picked up a few small rocks at the stream by her feet. “To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones on its way.” She tried skipping one rock over the top of the water. Then another. Finally, she plopped all the remaining rocks back into the stream, and scampered up the clearing. “To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray!”

Unable to resist the call of that heavenly music, I sang, “I go to the hills when my heart is lonely.” I burst out of the trees and bounded up to her. “I know I will hear what I’ve heard before!”

We brought the end of the song in together. “My heart will be blessed with the sound of music, and I’ll sing once more.” We stood there for a moment. My eyes locked with Maria’s. Julie Fucking Andrews.

A distant bell tolled. Alarm spread across Maria’s face. She was late, and the overture was about to begin. I waited until she came back for the veil she’d forgotten on the ground, then I ran with her. There was something nagging at the back of my mind. Like--there was a reason I suddenly found myself in the world of the 1965 movie musical classic, “The Sound of Music.” A masterwork of Rodgers and Hammerstein. Do Deadpool a favor and keep reading so I can find out what it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Footnotes
> 
> 1\. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. Go read it! https://www.amazon.com/Slaughterhouse-Five-Novel-Modern-Library-Novels/dp/0385333846


	2. The Sister Act

I scaled the Abbey walls and changed into a habit while the sisters were deep in prayer. Their voices echoed in song throughout the Abbey. When they finished, the sisters filed out of the chapel. I followed a gaggle of them to an enclosed courtyard. I was trying to keep a low profile when a tiny, young nun bumped into me. Her face blushed and she hurried on. She stopped in front of another, fancier nun a few pillars down from me. This fancy nun was flanked by two slightly less fancy nuns.

“Reverend Mother," said the young nun, a little out of breath.

“Sister Bernice?” said the fancy nun, the apparent Mother Abbess.

“I simply cannot find her!” The poor thing was distressed.

“Maria?”

“She’s missing again,” the young nun nodded.

“Ooh! Ooh! I’ve seen her!” I said. I popped out from my hiding place but was unjustly ignored.

“We should’ve put a cowbell around her neck,” said the taller, bitchy nun to Reverend Mother’s left.

“Have you tried the barn?” asked the plump, nice nun to Reverend Mother’s right. “You know how much she adores the animals.”

“I have looked everywhere,” said young Sister Bernice.

“Clearly not everywhere,” I said.

“In all the usual places,” Sister Bernice corrected herself.

“Sister, considering this is Maria,” Reverend mother gave the young nun a patient smile. “I suggest you look someplace UNusual.”

Sister Bernice curtsied and scampered off to continue her search. The fancier nuns continued into the courtyard, and I followed.

“Well, Reverend Mother,” said the bitchy nun. She was starting to turn me on. “I hope this new infraction ends whatever doubts you may still have about Maria’s future here!”

“I always try to keep faith in my doubts, Sister Berthe,” said Reverend Mother.

“After all,” said the nice nun. “The wool of a black sheep is just as warm.”

“We are NOT talking about sheep, black or white, Sister Margaretta,” Sister Berthe’s eyes flared. I was suddenly having fantasies about rulers and bare bottoms. “Of all the candidates for the novitiate Maria is the LEAST--”

“Children, children!” Reverend Mother shushed the two others. Our little group was joined by a few more fully-fledged nuns. To them this kind of gossip must have been exciting. I can imagine life was pretty dull locked away in a giant commune of sex-deprived women. Now that I’m thinking about it, I can see the appeal. Reverend Mother addressed the approaching nuns. “The Mistress of Novices and the Mistress of Postulants were trying to help me by expressing opposite points of view. Tell me, Sister Catherine, what do you think of Maria?”

“She’s a wonderful girl,” said Sister Catherine. Then added, “Some of the time.”

“Sister Agatha?” asked Reverend Mother.

“It’s very easy to like Maria,” Sister Agatha pushed her glasses up her nose. “Except when it’s difficult.”

“You’re both decisive,” I quipped.

“And you,” Reverend Mother’s steely gaze looked right past me. “Sister Sophia?”

“Oh, I love her dearly,” Sister Sophia was a babe. Just sayin’. “But she always seems to be in trouble, doesn’t she?”

“Exactly what I say,” Sister Berthe then started to sing. They ALL started to sing. “She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee. Her dress has got a tear.”

“She waltzes on her way to Mass,” sang Sister Margaretta. She stepped in front of Sister Berthe. “And whistles on the stair.”

“And underneath her wimple,” Sister Berthe pointed to her veil with an expression of incredulity. “She has CURLERS in her hair!”

“No!” I had to cover my cheeks, I was so ashamed. “Not that!”

“I’ve even heard her singing in the Abbey,” sang the hypocrite Sister Agatha … standing right in the middle of the Abbey courtyard … singing with the rest of us. In the Abbey. Did I mention we were all singing?

“She’s always late for chapel,” Sister Catherine pointed out.

Sister Margaretta butted in with, “But her penitence is real.”

“She’s always late for EVERYTHING!” Burst in Sister Berthe.

I elbowed Sister Agatha out of the way so I could sing, “Except for every meal--amirite?” I gave Sister Berthe a big ole wink.

“I hate to have to say it,” Sister Berthe shook her head and sang, “But I very firmly feel--”

“Maria’s not an asset to the Abbey,” most of the nuns sang together.

“I’d like to say a word in her behalf,” Sister Margaretta stepped forward.

“Try delivering the line like William Shatner,” I suggested.

“Maria. Makes me. Laugh!”

I was delighted, but Reverend Mother turned away from us. She was so deep in thought that she too began to sing.

“How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

Sister Margaretta decided to answer her question with another question. “How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?”

“How do you find a word that means Maria?” Sister Catherine copied Sister Margaretta’s technique.

“A flibbertigibbet,” suggested Sister Sophia.

“A will-o-the-wisp,” offered Sister Agatha.

“A clown!” asserted Sister Bertha.

“Many a thing you know you’d like to tell her,” sang Reverend Mother. “Many a thing she ought to understand!”

“But how do you make her stay?” Sister Berthe threw her hands up. “And listen to all you say?”

“How do you keep a wave upon the sand?” Now Reverend Mother was getting philosophical.

“How do you solve a problem like Maria?” Sister Margaretta reminded everyone of the original question.

“How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?” Reverend Mother asked, looking wise as fuck.

[[Ugh, this is so lame.]] said an inner voice. [[Can we go home now? I hate this fuckin’ movie.]]

“Shut it, Yellow!” I said to the box. “This is one of my favorite parts, musically.”

“When I’m with her I’m confused,” Sister Sophia sang, changing the tone of the whole song and shit. “Out of focus and bemused. And I never know exactly where I am.”

“Unpredictable as weather,” sang Sister Catherine.

“She’s as flighty as a feather,” sang Sister Agatha.

“She’s a darling,” Sister Margaretta came to Maria’s defense once again.

“She’s a demon,” Sister Berthe made a face at Sister Margaretta.

“She’s a lamb!” Sister Margaretta insisted.

“You gals don’t hold back, do you?” I asked, but this didn’t slow down their ragging on Maria in the slightest.

“She’ll out pester any pest,” Sister Catherine weaved her way between the other sisters. “Drive a hornet from its nest.”

“She can throw a whirling dervish out of whirl,” Sister Agatha faked a stumble.

“She is gentle,” sang Sister Sophia. “She is wild.”

“She’s a riddle,” Sister Catherine came right up next to her. “She’s a child.”

“She’s a HEADACHE!” Sister Berthe pushed her way between the them.

“She’s an angel,” proclaimed Sister Margaretta.

“She’s a girl!” Reverend Mother stepped in front of the group. The nuns came together in hero formation. I took the top center position with a lack of humility unbecoming of the habit I wore. Then we all sang together with intricate harmonies and all that crap.

“How do you solve a problem like Maria?” I flicked my fingers in time with the music. “How do you catch a cloud a pin it down?” I shook my boot-eh. “How do you find a word that means Maria?”

“A flibbertigibbet?” Sister Sophia again suggested.

“A will-o-the-wisp?” Sister Agatha asked, being a copycat once again and repeating herself as well.

“A clown!” Sister Berthe only seemed annoyed that she had to repeat herself. She had no choice to repeat herself, because all things of this nature come in threes. Poor Sister Berthe.

“Many a thing you know you’d like to tell her,” Sister Catherine moved up to Reverend Mother’s side.

“Many a thing she ought to understand,” Sister Sophia was right behind her.

“But how do you make her stay,” Sister Berthe pleaded in front of Reverend Mother. “And listen to all you say?”

“How do you keep a wave upon the sand?” Sister Margaretta nudged me. I was getting dizzy from all the circling around in the lyrics. However, now was the moment. We all came together for the song’s climax.

“Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?”

Maria sprinted through the courtyard. She didn’t see us at first and her veil was still off. She crouched down at the water pump, splashed her face, and booked it on through to the other side of the courtyard. She was just passed the gaggle of us when she realized she was well and truly caught. She looked at us, mouth agape for a moment, shrugged her shoulders, and continued on her way. I was going to have to teach this girl some style.

We finished the song with an air of contemplation and disbursed. “How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?”

Things were going to go down in Reverend Mother’s office, for sure, but I saw Sister Berthe go down a dark corridor and parts of my mind and anatomy considered going down myself. So, I did. I spent the next several hours in prayer with her. Underneath that cold exterior was a layer of softness that you usually expect out of such crusty folk. Penetrate her further--and I did--there is a core made of molten iron. The fire I experienced with Sister Berthe was something I’ve seldom experienced in ANY reality--let alone a family friendly musical!

I found Maria following Sister Bernice up to Reverend Mother’s office a while later. I told her about trying to cover for her which lead to launching into the riff-off about her deficiencies in the nun department. Maria didn’t seem upset.

“Thank you,” she smiled, warm and nervous. “I did not realize you were from the Abbey when we saw each other today.”

“Oh, I’m not,” I said, and waved a hand. “I don’t know why I’m here. Except there are two really, REALLY big nerds out there who wished and wondered and willed this into being. He is actually putting words into my mouth as we speak, and she's doing all the editing!”

Maria’s expression turned to confusion. Sister Bernice shushed us, and she lead us the rest of the way to the office. She told us to wait in the sitting room while she went in to see if the Reverend Mother was ready for us.

“Strict here, aren’t they?” I said. Maria nodded, and it looked like she might say something. She didn’t get the chance, because Sister Bernice was back.

“You may go in now, Maria.”

It was unbearably warm inside Reverend Mother’s office. The windows were all stained glass and sealed, which made the air in the room still, stale, and strenuous to breathe. This was the worst office I had ever been in.

“Come in, my child,” Reverend Mother said. Maria sunk down to one knee, kissed the Abbess’ hand, and stood again. “Now sit down.”

“Reverend Mother, I’m sorry,” Maria began and took a deep breath. “I couldn’t help myself. The hills were beckoning and before--”

“Dear, I haven’t summoned you for apologies,” said Reverend Mother.

“Please,” Maria’s sincerity touched me. “Let me ask for forgiveness.”

“If you’ll feel better,” nodded Revered Mother.

“Yes, you see, the sky was so blue today,” Maria resumed her speech. “And everything was so green and fragrant--I had to be a part of it. The Untersberg led me higher like it wanted me to go through the clouds--”

“Suppose darkness had come and you were lost?” Reverend Mother scolded her.

“Mother,” Maria said with the patience of a saint. “I could never be lost up there. That’s MY mountain. I was brought up on it. It was the mountain that led me to you. When I was a child, I would come down and climb a tree, and look into your garden. I’d see the sisters at work and hear them sing.” I gave Maria two giant thumbs up for the performance, but she wasn’t done yet. “Which brings me to another transgression, Reverend Mother. I was singing out there today.”

“Only in the Abbey do we have rules about postulants singing,” said Reverend Mother.

“I can’t stop wherever I am!” said Maria. “Worse, I can’t seem to stop saying things. Everything I think and feel.”

“Sister, I hear you,” I said, and chuckled in commiseration. “I’ve got these boxes in my head. I can never get them to shut up either.”

“Some call that ‘honesty.’”

“Oh, but it’s terrible, Reverend Mother!” Maria sat forward on her chair. “You know how Sister Berthe makes me kiss the floor after a disagreement?”

“Boy, do I EVER!” I said.

“Lately,” Maria looked at her fingers. “I kiss the floor when I see her coming, just to save time!”

“Maria…” Reverend Mother hid the corner of a smile with her hand.

“Hey, I call that proactive,” I said, but nothing that came out of my yap bothered Reverend Mother.

“When you saw us over the wall and longed to be with us,” she said. “That didn’t mean you were prepared for the way we live here, did it?”

“No, Mother,” Maria tangled her fingers into a knot on her lap. “But I pray, and I try, and I’m learning! I really am!”

“What is the most important lesson you have learned here?” Reverend Mother asked.

“To find out what is the will of God,” Maria recited. “And to do it wholeheartedly.”

“Maria,” Reverend Mother came around her desk and stood in front of us. “It seems to be God’s will that you leave us.”

“Leave?!”

“Harsh,” I said.

“Only for a while,” Maria tried to stand, but Reverend Mother calmed her with a hand on Maria’s shoulder.

“No, Mother! Please don’t send me away!” Maria shot to her feet anyway, on the brink of tears. “This is where I belong. It’s my home. My family. It’s my life.”

“Are you truly ready for it?”

I shook my head, but Maria answered, “Yes, I am.”

“If you go out to the world for a time--knowing what we expect of you--you will find out if you can expect it of yourself,” said Reverend Mother.

“That was both profound and a profound slap in the face,” I started a slow clap, but was not joined in my applause. Reverend Mother returned to her chair behind the desk.

“I know what you expect, Mother,” Maria begged. “And I can do it! I promise I can!”

Reverend Mother quieted Maria’s protests without a single word. I was in awe of this power.

“Yes, Mother,” Maria sat back down. “If it is God’s will.”

Reverend Mother pulled a piece of stationary out of her desk, and she took up a fountain pen. “There’s a family near Salzburg that needs a governess until September.”

“September?!”

“For seven children,” Reverend Mother added.

“SEVEN children,” Maria’s eyes bulged.

“Don’t you like children?” Reverend Mother looked up from the letter she was writing.

“Well, yes, but SEVEN?!”

“‘Be fruitful’ He said. ‘Multiply,’ He said.” I shook my head. “You Catholics certainly like to reproduce.”

“I will tell Captain von Trapp to expect you tomorrow,” said Reverend Mother, writing.

“Captain?” Maria cocked her head.

“A retired officer of the Imperial Navy,” said Reverend Mother, pride swelling in her chest. “A fine man, and a brave one.”

“Does Reverend Mother have a crush?” I asked.

“His wife died,” she added, totally killing the mood. “And he is alone with the children. I understand he has had a difficult time keeping a governess there.”

“Why difficult, Reverend Mother?”

She paused, probably to add an air of religious mystery around her answer. “The Lord will show you in His own good time.” Reverend Mother dismissed us, so she could finish her letter.

I linked arms with Maria and scurried us out of the Abbess’ office. We hurried upstairs to pack her things. She didn’t have much. Sister Bernice brought us a pile of rags to clean up with, but it turned out the rags were actually civilian clothes for Maria. I felt kind of sorry for her. Sister Bernice took our habits away and I felt a little naked without it. It was so great. Not to mention, I was stoked about the next scene. I couldn’t wait. You will have to though. At least until the next chapter.


	3. Captain Daddy

The next morning, Maria and I were to travel to the von Trapp villa in Salzburg.  Maria was apprehensive.  Her voice was barely audible over the other sisters singing their morning prayers.  She hardly touched her food.  She didn’t want to go. 

“Are you nervous?” I was leaning on her suitcase in her cramped, cabinet sized room which she shared with three other postulants.  We were waiting for go time.

“I don’t know how to feel right now,” said Maria.  “A little rejected, maybe.”

“Oh, don’t let getting kicked out of THIS place get you down,” I patted her shoulder.  “Getting kicked out of this place is significantly better than getting kicked out of a leper colony.”

“That’s a small consolation, I guess,” said Maria.  She was gazing out of the small slit of a window.  “Its worse that the weather is so beautiful today.  Witnessing the beauty of God’s creation was how I received the call to come into this life.  It was the best way I could thank Him for His gifts in my life, giving them back to Him in his service.”

“Wait, you thought giving God back his gifts was THANKING Him?” I scratched the back of my head. “I usually only take back the gifts I DON’T like.”

“That’s the whole point,” said Maria.  “That’s why it is called a sacrifice.”

“Listen, Maria,” I draped my arm around her shoulder and observed the glorious day with her.  “If you want to thank God for His gifts, you’ve got to USE them.  Not send them back.”

Maria was silent, but she was thinking about what I said.  Sister Margaretta knocked on the door a moment later, and told us it was time.  She led us to the front gates of the Abbey where she unlocked them and let us out into the public courtyard.  Maria didn’t look back.  She stood there, heels firmly on the ground.  Now that we were outside of the Abbey, her whole attitude was changing.

“When the Lord closes a door,” she said.  This was it--time for the MONTAGE!  “Somewhere He opens a window.”

“What will this day be like?” I sang and opened the gate from the public courtyard to the street.  “I wonder.”

“What will my future be?” Maria stepped out into the street.  Across the way was a short wall where she leaned on her guitar.  “I wonder.”

“It could be so exciting,” I took the guitar from her and grabbed her hand in mine.  “To be out in the world--to be free!”

“My heart should be wildly rejoicing,” Maria started to smile, but it fell.  She got up and we walked down the street together.  “Oh, what’s the matter with me?  I’ve always longed for adventure.  To do the things I’ve never dared.  Now here I’m facing adventure.  Then why am I so scared?”

“A captain with seven children,” I shrugged and tugged her arm to get her to slow down.  “What so fearsome about that?”

“Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries,” Maria shook her head.  Suddenly we were in the center of town, cutting through and between old buildings.  “If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back.  I must dream of the things I am seeking.  I am seeking the courage I lack.”

“Hold the Goddamned phone, was that..?” Over by the archway we passed, I could swear it was the real--”It is!  Here, take the guitar.  I’ll be right back.”  I ran over to the actual Maria von Trapp and her daughter.  They looked so cute in their little costumes, playing passersby.  A thought occurred to me, and I grabbed the real Maria by the hand.  We ran over to movie Maria.

“The courage to serve them with reliance,” sang movie Maria.

The music slowed and slurred.  Clearly, the movie didn’t like being fucked with in this way, which made me concerned not at all.  I faced the two Marias off in front of the giant horse fountain in the center of the square.  I put my katanas in their hands.  The real Maria got Bea, and movie Maria got Arthur.

“Face my mistakes without defiance,” sang the real Maria.  She grasped Bea with both hands.

“Show them I’m worthy!”  Movie Maria raised Arthur high.

“And while I show them!” They sang together.  “I’ll! Show! Meeeeeeeeeeee!”  The music skewed beyond recognition.  The singing stopped.  The whole movie stopped.  For a second there was no light.  It slowly returned.  The real Maria's eyes were wide and cautious.  She stepped forward, testing an advance on movie Maria.

“Now THIS is how you solve a problem like Maria!”  I materialized a giant bag of popcorn and began consuming it.  “Let’s not be all Dragonball Z about this, ladies.  We’ve got a montage to get on with.”

Movie Maria gave out a vicious war cry and charged the real Maria.  She used Arthur to slice hard and fast at the real Maria’s neck.  The real Maria tried to parry, but was too slow for the triple threat Julie Andrews.  The real Maria’s head rolled across the cobblestone square to where i sat.  I stopped it with my foot.

“There can be only one,” I said.  I collected and sheathed Bea and Arthur, then the movie caught back up to speed.  “Soooooooooo, let them bring on all their problems!”  Suddenly, we were in another part of town again, crossing a busy street.

“I’ll do better than my best,” Maria sang.  She climbed onto a bus that I thought looked questionable.  “I have confidence they’ll put me to the test, but I’ll make them see I have confidence in me.”

“Somehow I will impress them!” I rolled on a large circus ball beside the bus while juggling five smaller ones.

“I will be firm but kind!”  Maria smiled from her window seat on the bus. 

“And ALL those children?” I nudged Maria as I sat on the seat beside her thanks to the power of movie magic.

“Heaven bless them, they will look up to me,” she sighed.  We hopped off of the bus and waved goodbye to the complete strangers who we ignored the entire time.  We picked up our bags and marched down the country road.  “And, mind me, with each step I am more certain everything will turn out fine!”

“I have confidence the world can all be mine!”  I thrust my fist in the air.

“They’ll have to agree” Maria sang, and I joined her for, “I have confidence in me.”

“I have confidence in sunshine,’ Maria skipped to the right of the road.

“I have confidence in rain,” I skipped to the left.  “I have confidence that spring will come again.”

“Besides which you see, I have confidence in me!” Maria and I marched around each other in a circle, and then she sang,  “Strength doesn’t lie in numbers!”

“I’m lookin’ at you, Avengers!”

“Strength doesn’t lie in wealth!”

“And you, Donald Drumpf.”

“Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers,” sang Maria, a philosophy I could REALLY get behind if you know what I mean.  “When you wake up--WAKE UP--it’s healthy!  All I trust I leave my heart to!”

“All I trust becomes my own!”  We swung our arms out wide, and rounded on the front gate to the villa grounds.

“I have confidence in confidence … alone,” Maria took a deep breath.

“Wait, why have we stopped singing?”

[[It's called a dramatic pause, dipshit.]]

“Oh, help,” Maria sighed. 

[I'll help you, babyyy!  Un-tiss-un-tiss-un-tiss]

"Shut up, both of you!  You're ruining the montage!" I scolded Yellow and Whitey.

Maria didn't seem to notice my brief vacation from reality.  She sang, “I have confidence in confidence alone!” and looked into my eyes with a renewed sense of purpose.  To be honest, I was still a little lost. It’s a musical, you go with these things.  “Besides which you see, I have confidence in me!”  We ran past the gate, down the drive, up the stairs, and Maria JUST beat me to the bell.  Of course, I didn’t know it was a race until it was too late.  Otherwise, I totally would have won.  Cheater.  The butler answered the door.  “Hello!  Here I am!” she said as if this dude was supposed to miraculously know who this crazy lady in the ugly dress was on the doorstep.  “I’m from the convent.  I’m the new governess, Captain.”

Face. Palm.

“And I’m the old butler, Fraulein,” he said.  He was salty.  I liked him.  Then I remembered why I didn’t like him.

Maria shrugged.  “Well, how do you do?”  She shook his hand vigorously.  He gave her an obliging expression, and let us in.

“You’ll wait here, please,” he said and vanished through one of the doors.

Maria and I didn’t listen.  Curiosity got the best of both of us, and I have way more lives than a cat.  Also, the door to the room next door WAS open an inch already.  It practically screamed, “LOOK INSIDE ME!”  So we did.  It was an enormous ballroom, even larger than the grand entryway we were just in.  I giggled and pulled Maria to the middle of the floor.  The gilded walls were covered in fucking gorgeous hand painted scenes of dancing throughout history.

Maria bowed to me.  I curtsied.  We spun around, laughing all the while.  And then… The doors to the room slammed open, startling us both.

“Shit,” I said.  “I think that’s the C-A-P-T-A-I-N.”

Maria said nothing and scuttled out of the room.  I followed, but with much chagrin.

“In the future,” the captain said, his voice making me melt into the bottom of my awesome red boots, "remember certain rooms in this house are not to be disturbed.”

“As long as I’m allowed in the playroom with you, Captain Daddy, the rest of the house can be goddamned off fucking limits,” I said.  “Woof.”

Captain Daddy barely twitched an eyebrow at me.  What a man.  He cast his gaze over the trembling Maria.

“Yes, captain, sir,” she said.

“Why do you stare at me that way?” Captain Daddy asked her.

“Have you looked in the mirror today, handsome?”  I asked him.  “You’re not exactly what we were picturing when Reverend Mother described you as a ‘retired Naval Officer.’”

“You don’t LOOK like a sea captain,” Maria simplified.

“I’m afraid you don’t look very much like a governess,” said Captain Daddy.  Oh, I love it when he acts above it all.  “Turn around.”

“Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round,” I sang.  This is how the whole musical thing works, right?

“What?” Maria turned her head to the side.

“Turn,” Captain Daddy indicated he wanted her to spin around so he could get a good look at her.

I sang even louder.  “Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears!”

“Hat off,” Captain Daddy ordered.  Maria obliged.  He was trying to determine what he didn’t like about her.  Clearly no one was paying any attention to me: Deadpool.  Which was a travesty.

“TURN AROUND!” I sang to myself.  “Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by!”

“Put on another dress before meeting the children,” Captain Daddy said, finding the answer.

“But I don’t have another one,” Maria raised her eyebrows.

“TURN AROUND!”  I ran halfway up the grand staircase, threw my arms out to either side, and lifted my motherfucking voice.  “EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT TERRIFIED AND THEN I SEE THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES!”  Any time now magical musical chorus!  I know you’re in here.  This SO works in chapter four.

[Fuck, you give everything away,] said Whitey in my head.

[[Seriously, kill yourself.]]

“Would that I could, Yellow.  Would that I could.”

Maria and Captain Daddy stared at me. Clearly, my sheer awesomeness stunned them.  After a moment they seemed to gain their composure and went back to the topic at hand.

“When we enter the abbey, our worldly clothes go to the poor,” Maria looked back at Captain Daddy.

“What about this one?” he pointed at the dress she wore.

“The poor didn’t want this one,” she admitted.  “There wasn’t time to make a new dress. I can make my own clothes.”

“I’ll see to it that you get some material,” said Captain Daddy.  “Today, if possible.  Now, Fraulein--uh…”

“Maria,” I reminded him.  “You really know how to pay a girl a compliment, don’t you, Captain Daddy?”

“I don’t know how much the Abbess told you,” he said.  Being ignored by this man was giving me an uber-boner.  “You are the twelfth in a long line of governesses to look after my children since their mother died.  I trust you will be an improvement on the last one.  She stayed only two hours.”

“What’s wrong with the children, sir?”

“Ouch,” I said.  “Can’t say I blame her for that one, Cap, the way you’ve been slinging compliments left and right.”

“Nothing is wrong with the children,” Captain Daddy narrowed his eyes slightly.  “Only the governesses.  They could not maintain discipline, without which this house cannot be run.  Drill them in their studies.  I will not permit them to dream away their summer holidays.”  My eyebrows (or lack there of) slowly began to raise while Captain Daddy continued.  “Each afternoon, they march, breathing deeply.”  I took a deep breath.  His voice was so hypnotic, even though everything he was saying made me want to punch him in the face.  I mean, what kind of dad does this to his kids?  THEY’RE KIDS!  “Bedtime is to be strictly observed.”

“When do they play?” Maria asked.

“That’s what I’m sayin’, gurl!”  I shook my head in astonishment.

“You will see to it that they conduct themselves with utmost decorum,” Captain Daddy skipped right past her question.  “I am placing you in command!”

“Yes, sir,” Maria saluted and clicked her heels together.

Before either of us could enjoy the fruits of her sarcasm, Captain Daddy blew a whistle.  Maria and I looked at each other like, "What the fuck??"  Then he blew the whistle again.  For a second, I thought the place was being invaded by mutants.  A thunderous stampede of noise came from the upper level and I automatically took a defensive stance with my katanas out.  At the top of the stairs, the children assembled.  Omigod, I love this part.  I sheathed Bea and Arthur and sprung up the stairs to take my place in the front of the line.  I was the oldest, after all.

Captain Daddy blew his whistle a third time, and we marched the cutest little march down the staircase.  Of course, with me leading the troops, it couldn’t be any less than adorable.  Captain Daddy whistled an elaborate command.  We stopped in unison.  Badass.  Another command from Captain Daddy and we left-faced in front of him and our new governess.  We were ready for inspection.

“Now,” said Captain Daddy.  “This is your new governess, Fraulein Maria.  Give your name at your signal.  Fraulein, listen carefully.  Learn their signals so you can call them.”

“Captain Daddy let out the first signal.  Both Liesl and I stepped forward, looked at each other, then hesitated.  It was a bit awkward.  I was embarrassed for her.  Captain Daddy let out the first signal again.  This time, I stepped forward by myself.

“Deadpool!”

Signal.

“Liesl!”

Signal.

“Friedrich!”

Signal.

“Louisa!”

Signal.

“Kurt!”

Signal.

“Brigitta!”

Signal.

“Marta!”

Signal.

Nothing.

Exaggerated signal.

The littlest of us stepped forward and stepped back without saying her name.  She was shy.  Awe, see, it’s cute when the youngest one is awkward.

“That’s Gretl,” Captain Daddy gave the tiniest of smirks at her name.  So.  Hot.  He slipped his hand to his pocket and pulled out another whistle.  He handed it to Maria.  “Now, let’s see how well you listened.”

“I won’t need to whistle for them, Reverend Captain,” she blushed and handed back the whistle.  “I mean, I’ll use their names.  Such lovely names!”

“Fraulein, this is a large house,” Captain Daddy’s patience was waning.  “The grounds are extensive, and I will not have anyone shouting.  You will take this, please.  Learn to use it.  The children will help you.”

Maria took the whistle with a large measure of apprehension.  Captain Daddy wasn’t finished yet, though.

“Now, when I want you, this is what you will hear,” he brought the whistle to his lips, and in the middle of an ear-piercing signal Maria brought up her hands and stopped him.

“Oh, no, sir,” she said.  “I’m sorry, sir!  I could never answer to a whistle.  Whistles are for dogs and cats and other animals--not for children--and definitely not for me.  It would be too humiliating.”

“Right, cuz humility is totally against the whole Catholic value system,” I noted.

[[And nobody cared.]]

“Fraulein,” Captain Daddy took a patient breath.  "Were you this much trouble at the abbey?”

“Oh, MUCH more, sir,” she said.  I think I was starting to rub off on her.  If only I was rubbing off on Captain Daddy.  He turned to leave us with the children, but before he could get two feet away Maria brought the whistle up to her lips.  A sharp trill stopped him in his tracks.  “Excuse me, but I don’t know your signal.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Maria drops the mic.

“You may call me, ‘captain,’” he snarled.

“Captain Daddy?” I asked, but I wasn’t really asking.  And he wasn’t answering.  He turned on his heel and marched out of the room.  I wondered what a retired sea captain might be doing with his day, but not for long.  Maria stood in front of the line of us.  She had a serious expression on her face.  It broke into a smile a split second later.

“At ease,” she said, and we all relaxed a bit.  “Now that there’s just us, would you, please, tell me all your names again?  And how old you are?”

“I’m Deadpool.  I’m thirty-nine years old, and I need to be brutally punished.”

[[We ARE being brutally punished.]]

“I’m sure you’ve suffered enough, Wade,” Maria smiled at me, and my small heart grew three sizes that day.

“I’m Liesl.”  She wore a snooty expression that matched her father’s.  “I’m sixteen years old, and I don’t need a governess!”

“I’m glad you told me, Liesl,” Maria played the diplomat.  “We’ll just be good friends.”

“I’m Friedrich,” said the next boy down the line.  “I’m fourteen.  I’m impossible.”

“Really?”  Maria laughed.  “Who told you that, Friedrich?”

“Fraulein Josephine,” Friedrich answered.  “Four governesses ago.”

“I’m Brigitta,” said Louisa, fooling nobody.

“You didn’t tell me how old you are, Louisa,” said Maria.  See.  No one.

“I’m Brigitta,” said the real (well, “real”) Brigitta.  “She’s Louisa.  She’s thirteen years old, and you’re smart!  I’m ten, and I think your dress is the ugliest thing I ever saw!”

“Brigitta, you shouldn’t say that!” said the squishy-cheeked boy between the two girls.

“Why not?” she asked.  “Don’t YOU think it’s ugly?”

“Of course,” he rolled his eyes.  “But Fraulein Helga’s was ugliest.”  He straightened up.  “I’m Kurt.  I’m eleven, and I’m incorrigible.”

“Congratulations,” said Maria, but I didn’t get it.

“What’s ‘incorrigible?’” asked Kurt.

“Impossible to spell,” I suggested.

“I think it means you want to be treated like a boy,” said Maria.  Kurt nodded, apparently satisfied.

“I’m Marta,” said the next little cutie down the line.  “And I’m going to be seven on Tuesday.  I’d like a pink parasol.”

“Pink is my favorite color, too,” Maria smiled at the girl.  Then she looked at the last and smallest of the kiddos.  The girl stomped her foot.  “Yes, you’re Gretl,” Maria nodded.  The girl held up five fingers.  “And you’re five years old?!” she was hamming it up for the kid.  “My, you’re practically a lady.”  The girl giggled.  Major win, if you ask me.  “I have to tell you a secret,” Maria addressed all the children now.  “I’ve never been a governess before.”

“You don’t know anything about being a governess?” Louisa asked, clearly plotting mischief.

“Nothing,” Maria shrugged.  “I’ll need lots of advice.”

“The best way to start,” said Friedrich.  He stood tall and serious.  “Is to tell Father to mind his own business.”

“You must never come to dinner on time,” said Louisa.  The children broke formation and crowded around Maria.

“And during dessert,” said Kurt.  “Always blow your nose!”

“Don’t believe a word they say, Fraulein Maria,” said Gretl--her first line of the movie.  Behold the adorable one.

“Oh, why not?” Maria looked down at the child.

“Because I like you,” said Gretl.

I think I found my new best friend.

“Children, outside for a walk!”  An older woman called from the front door.  We all turned.  “Father’s orders.  Come now, hurry up!  Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!”  She practically pushed the children out the door.  When they were only halfway out, she turned to Maria and me.  “Fraulein Maria?  I’m Frau Schmidt, the housekeeper.”

“How do you do?”

“I’ll show you to your room,” said Frau Schmidt.  “Follow me.”

Frau Schmidt started up the stairs, and we followed.  Maria looked back down at the children.  They dragged their feet on their way out the door.  “Poor, little dears,” she sighed.  Halfway up the staircase she felt something crawling in her pocket.  She freaked out, dropped her carpet bag, thrust her hand into her sweater, pulled out a frog, and tossed it on the landing below.  Maria put a hand on her heart, and she steadied herself against the wall.

“Hey!” I fished through all of my pockets with indignation.  “Where the hell is MY frog?!  You rotten brats!”

“You’re very lucky,” said Frau Schmidt.  “With Fraulein Helga it was a snake!”

The frog took a leap toward the door, and I scuttled after it.  “Here, froggy!  Niiiice froggy!”  It hopped away at my approach.  “Stop, frog!”  It hopped.  “I said, fucking STOP!”  I pulled out the handgun from my hip holster, cocked, aimed, and fired.  “Not going anywhere now, are you?”  Indeed, the frog wasn’t going anywhere as the frog was everywhere.  All over the stairs.  All over the children’s faces.  Louisa looked the most horrified.  “Maybe next time you won’t forget your new pal, Deadpool!”


	4. Telegrams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, guys, way to be late posting my fic! Deadpool here, apologizing profusely on behalf of the hopeless writers who are posting this thing. One of them went on a cruise in the Mediterranean and the other was too busy having a work crisis to care about lil ole me. But we're back, baby! Come watch me and Liesl dance up a lightning storm to a mashup of Goddess Stevie Nicks and Queen Bey back when she was just a wee child of destiny. 
> 
> Love and twerking,  
> Deadpool

Maria and I spent the afternoon unpacking and checking out the house. Captain Daddy wasn’t kidding when he said it was huge. We were so exhausted after exploring that we both collapsed on Maria’s bed. A few hours later, we woke up. I thought the look of horror on Maria’s face might be a reaction to my chubby pressing against her, but then she said, “Dinner!” Apparently, Maria WAS late for meals.

“Aren’t we supposed to be late?” I asked. She was already out of the bed, straightening her mussed hair in the small adjoining bathroom mirror. Then she was out the door in a flash. We stormed into the dining room like our names were El Niño to an impatient Captain Daddy and sniggering children.

“Good evening,” Maria said to Captain Daddy in way of apology. “Good evening, children.”

“Good evening, Fräulein Maria,” said the children, innocence gleaming in their tone.

Maria straightened her skirt to sit, encountered something she wasn’t expecting on the seat, and bounced right back up with a surprised laugh of pain. She looked down at the seat. There sat a prickly pine cone. It smelled of Louisa. I gave my own seat a glance. There was a second pine cone on mine. I sat on it with satisfaction. It prickled my cheeks as my solid glutes crushed it to oblivion.

“Enchanting little ritual,” said Captain Daddy, clearly in on the joke. “Something you learned at the abbey?”

“No,” Maria was not amused. She pushed the pine cone off her chair and sat down. “Rheumatism.”

Everyone dug into their plates. Everyone except Maria.

“Excuse me, Captain,” she said. “Haven’t we forgotten to thank the Lord?” He rolled his eyes but put down his knife and fork. He folded his hands and bowed his head. The children followed suit. I took another bite of the fucking delicious roast in front of me. Fuck this religion crap. “For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen,”

“Amen.”

“I’d like to thank you all,” Maria continued to speak. She cut into her meat and took a small bite. “For the precious gift you left in my pocket today.”

“What gift?” Captain Daddy asked. He narrowed his eyes. Maybe he wanted a frog, too.

“It’s a secret between the children and me,” Maria smiled. Ah, these kids WANTED trouble. Brigitta was right. Maria WAS smart. Unfortunately, Captain Daddy was having none of it.

“Uh huh,” said the hangry man. “Then I suggest you keep it, and let us eat.”

“Knowing how nervous I must have been--a stranger in a new household,” Maria carried right on talking, and took small bites in between her cutting remarks. Clearly, she enjoyed the lack of satisfaction the children were getting out of their little game. “Knowing how important it was for me to feel accepted. It was so kind and thoughtful of you to make my first moments here so warm and happy and pleasant.”

Marta started sniffling. Captain Daddy stopped eating again.

“What’s the matter, Marta?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she responded.

“Uh, Fräulein,” Captain Daddy’s focus was back on Maria. “Is it to be at every meal, or merely at dinnertime, that you intend on leading us all through this rare and wonderful new world of... indigestion?”

Now Louisa was crying. And Kurt. Brigitta joined in, and I was sorely disappointed. I thought you were better than that, Brigitta! Liesl and Friedrich sat there, stone faced. It was only Gretl and Maria who carried on with their meal. I was finished, and in desperate need of a piss. I excused myself, walked down the hall, and made my way outside onto the terrace behind the house.

The lamps were lit on the garden paths between the house and the lake. I skipped down the path, revealed myself to Austria, and let her rip. I was just finishing my business in the lake when I heard a bike coming down one of the garden paths. I pressed myself up against a tree and watched the boy pass. He was in a grey uniform, and his blond hair made me immediately think, “Asshole.”

[[Takes one to know one.]]

I jumped up into the tree, swinging from branch to branch, silent as a motherfucker. Blondie stashed his bike on the side of the house and walked to the front door. He rang the bell and the butler answered the door.

“Rolf, good evening!” the butler greeted him warmly. A little too warmly.

“Good evening, Franz,” said Rolf. Oh, on a first name bases with the butler, are we?

“I trust everything is under control?” asked Franz. “Are there any developments?”

“Perhaps,” said Rolf. “Is the captain home?”

“He’s at dinner,” said Franz.

“With the family?” I didn’t like the way Rolf said “family.” It screamed predator.

“Yes,” said Franz, a pillar of discreteness.

“Give him this telegram at once,” Rolf handed over a small, yellow envelope, clicked his heels, and turned to go.

“Certainly,” Franz took the telegram and closed the door. I followed him inside. He was about to open the telegram when I so artfully interrupted.

“Not going to read Captain Daddy’s telegram, are you Franz?” I asked. He startled and took in the wondrous sights of me. “Because if you are, I want to read it too.”

“I absolutely was not,” Franz straightened his vest and marched toward the dining room. I continued after him. Dessert was being served. The two-faced sympathizer had his innocent face on when he handed the telegram to Captain Daddy. “A telegram for you, sir.”

“Franz,” Liesl perked up. “Who delivered it?” The plot thickens.

“That young lad, Rolf, of course,” said Franz.

“Father, may I be excused?” Oh, come on, Liesl. Captain Daddy isn’t that dumb. A glance from Maria told me that she wasn’t being fooled either.

“Children,” Captain Daddy ignored Liesl’s question when he looked up from the telegram. “In the morning, I shall be going to Vienna.”

Everyone groaned except Maria. Maria actually looked a bit excited. Of the children, think I was the most disappointed Captain Daddy was going away.

“How long will you be gone this time, Father?” Gretl asked, obviously thinking the same thing I was. Well, maybe not the exact same thing.

“I’m not sure, Gretl,” Captain Daddy looked guiltily into his ice cream bowl. “I’m not sure.”

“To visit the Baroness Schraeder, again?” asked Louisa.

“Mind your own business,” Friedrich kicked his sister under the table.

“Hey!” I smacked the upside of Friedrich’s head. “Be nice to your sister.”

“As a matter of fact, yes, Louisa,” said Captain Daddy.

“Why can’t we ever see the baroness?” asked Kurt.

“Why would she want to see you?” I would have smacked Friedrich again, but Liesl picked that moment to slip away from the table and out of the dining room.

“You ARE going to see the baroness,” I heard Captain Daddy say as I snuck out behind Liesl. “And Uncle Max!”

The children’s cheers faded, and I followed Liesl out the back entrance of the house onto the terrace. It was time to engage all my silent skills again. I swung myself up the closest tree without a sound. Liesl searched, and I knew who for.

“Rolf!” Liesl exclaimed and burst into a run down the garden path. The blond asshole waited with arms outstretched. “Oh, Rolf.”

“No, Liesl,” he pushed her away from him. “We mustn’t!”

“Why not, silly?” Liesl rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know,” he said in answer. Going to play mind games, Rolf? Liesl deserves so much better.

“Isn’t this why you’re waiting?” she asked.

“Yes, of course,” he smiled a smile that made me want to punch babies. “I’ve missed you, Liesl.”

“You have?” Liesl pulled Rolf down onto a stone bench under the tree I so craftily hid myself in. “How much?”

“I even thought of sending a telegram, so I’d be able to deliver it here,” he said.

“Oh, that’s a lovely thought!” Liesl bounced on the bench. “Why don’t you? Right now!”

“But I’m here!” said the dope with no imagination.

“Please, Rolf,” Liesl made a face that might just get her anything she wanted in a few years. “Send me a telegram. I’ll start it for you. ‘Dear Liesl…’”

“Dear Liesl: I’d like to be able to tell you how I feel about you. Stop.” He made a serious face at her. “Unfortunately, this wire is already too expensive. Sincerely, Rolf.”

“Sincerely?” Liesl looked doubtful.

“Cordially?” he offered. Man, you suck at this game, Rolf.

Liesl looked away from him and folded her arms. “Cordially?”

“Affectionately?” he said, and she fell into his arms. “Will there be any reply?”

Liesl looked into his eyes. “Dear Rolf: Stop. Don’t stop! Your Liesl.” Now that is how you write a fucking romantic telegram, blondie. “If only we didn’t have to wait for someone to send Father a telegram. How do I know when I’ll see you again?”

“Well, let’s see,” Rolf put a stupid hand on his stupid chin. “I could come here by mistake--with a telegram for Colonel Schneider! He’s here from Berlin, staying with … no one knows he’s here. Don’t tell your father.” And this is where you get up and walk away from the Nazi, Liesl.

“Why not?” Liesl asked instead.

“Your father’s so Austrian,” Rolf emphasized the last word as if it were a disease, not a nationality.

“We’re all Austrian,” Liesl shook her head. Yes, Liesl, that asshole is as dumb as he looks.

“Some think we ought to be German,” said Rolf, preparing for a good, long mansplaination. “And they’re very mad at those who don’t think so. They’re getting ready to--” he stopped. Tell her, asshole. They’re getting ready to annex the fucking country. “Let’s hope your father doesn’t get into trouble.”

“Don’t worry,” said Liesl. “He’s a big naval hero. He was even decorated by the emperor.”

“I don’t worry about him,” Rolf turned his charm up to eleven. “I worry about his daughter.”

“Me?” Liesl shook her head at him. “Why?”

“Well, you’re so--” Watch it, buster.

“What?”

“You’re such a baby!” Rolf shrugged his shoulders and grinned like he’d said something smart instead of sounding like a complete imbecile.

“I’m sixteen,” Liesl sounded a little hurt. “What’s such a baby about that?”

“You wait, little girl, on an empty stage for fate to turn the light on,” Rolf sang. Just what we needed. Misogyny in song. “Your life, little girl, is an empty page that men will want to write on.” Wow, that is some real R. Kelly shit you’re into, Rolf.

“To write on,” Liesl leaned in, enticing. Rolf held her at arm’s length.

“You are sixteen going on seventeen, baby, it’s time to think,” he sang. My katanas slowly made their way into my waiting hands, quiet as death. “Better beware--be canny and careful, baby, you’re on the brink!”

Liesl made a confused face.

“You are sixteen going on seventeen, fellows will fall in line,” Rolf continued. Liesl looked at the imaginary line of beaus for her. As was right, she was mightily pleased with the selection. Less so with the idiot singing next to her. “Eager young lads and roués and cads will offer you food and wine.”

She licked her lips.

“Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,” Rolf looked down at her, which completely pissed me off. I glared at him from the shadows. Liesl seemed none-too-pleased either. “Timid and shy and sacred are you of things beyond your ken!”

“Wait, did you just call her stupid?” I straightened up in the tree.

“You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do!” Rolf sang, and then he sang no more. His voice caught in his throat. Blood bubbled up past his lips. His eyes rolled into the back of his head. Then he slid off Bea and Arthur like warm butter, and he collapsed into a pile on the ground.

I stomped over his corpse and stood in front of the quivering Liesl. I smiled. “You don’t need some fool Nazi sympathizer to tell you what to do. Or any man.”

“I … wha? You … KILLED him,” she didn’t sound frightened. “I’ve never seen someone die before. Father never talks about his time on the ship, and I wasn’t allowed in the room when Mother passed.”

“If you’ve seen one lifeless corpse, you’ve seen them all, really,” I pointed to the corpse formerly known as Rolf. “Personally, I like this one better now that he is not breathing.”

“He was the first boy I ever had feelings for,” she took a deep breath. “And yet, I don’t feel much of anything right now. Shouldn’t I?”

“Oh, come on, you’re sixteen,” I waved my hand in the air to emphasize my point. “Your hormones are running rampant. You’re changing in all kinds of interesting ways. Rolf was just available. If you really loved him, don’t you think you’d be freaking out?”

“I was leading him on a little,” said Liesl. Thunder rolled in the distance. “I guess you’re right, but he was very cute.”

“If you like that sort of thing,” I said, and the thunder came again. “We should probably get rid of the body before the rain starts.”

“What are we going to do with him?” Liesl thought for a moment. “I suppose sinking him in the lake would be easiest.”

“Listen to you, devious one!” I said. “You kids really DO get up to no good. How many bodies were already piling up in the lake before I got here? You can be honest. Tell Deadpool the truth.”

“Actually, there IS one other that I know of,” Liesl blushed in the lamp light. The thunder drew a little closer. “Fräulein Josephine.”

“One of your GOVERNESSES?!”

“Louisa swears it was an accident,” Liesl looked deep into my eyes. “She only meant to frighten Fräulein Josephine. When she jumped out from behind her tree, Fräulein fell into the water. She never came back up.”

“That does sound like Louisa,” I could smell a change in the air. Rain was getting closer. “We should probably get on with this corpse, then. We’ll need something to weigh him down.”

“Just fill his pockets with rocks,” said Liesl.

“I love it,” I gathered rocks along the shore of the lake. I tossed them to Liesl who stuffed them into the corpse’s pockets. That done, I hefted the body onto my shoulder. “I’d invite you to come with me, but I don’t trust this weather.”

“I thought I didn’t need protecting.” Now she was giving ME that face. GOD DAMN THAT FACE!

“Fine,” I tossed the corpse into the boat which was tied to the small dock at the lake’s edge. “But if we get struck by lightning, only one of us is likely to live through it.”

Once she situated herself in the boat, I grabbed the two oars, and stroked our way to the center of the lake. We were about a quarter of the way there when it started to rain. It soaked through my suit and Liesl’s dress. The wind started to pick up, and it made her skirts flap behind her. That is when the music started. Liesl heard it too, and she started to move with it.

“Just like a white winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singin’!” I belted, pushed out my chest, and dropped the oars.

“Ooh, ooh, ooh,” Liesl swished her dripping skirts in time with the music.

“Just like a white winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singin’!”

“Ooh, baby, ooh--said, ooh!”

“And the days go by like a strand in the wind in the web that is my own. I begin again,” I jumped up and stood at the front of the boat. Liesl got up where she was, and the boat remained stable due to my magnificent balancing skills. “Said to my friend, baby, nothin’ else mattered!” Lightning crashed and thunder rolled. We danced under its dazzling, scattered light. We picked up the corpse together, and gleefully dumped him over the edge. “She was much more than a baby then!” Yes, I changed the lyric. Bite me. “Well, she seemed broken hearted--something within her--but the moment that I first laid eyes on her all alone on the edge of seventeen!”

I took her in my arms. I tilted her face up to mine. I looked into those eyes. The music changed slightly. Liesl turned around and slid her body against mine. The rain beat down on us. She took a few steps away, shaking her ass in a very tempting manner.

“Deadpool, can you handle this? I said, Wade, can you handle this? Mister Wilson, can you handle this? I know Rolf couldn’t handle this!” Liesl wiggled her body and stared me down. She knew what she wanted. I can’t say that I blame her. I wanted me too. All the damned time. Sometimes, I even GET me. My jaw hit the motherfucking deck, and Liesl continued her song. “Barely move, we’ve arrived. Lookin’ sexy, lookin’ fly. Baddest chick--”

“Yeah you are!”

“Austria, jam tonight. Spotted me a tender thang. There you are, c’mon baby, don’t you wanna dance with me? Can you handle, handle me?” Liesl spun around and I staggered back, fucking impressed by her moves. “You gotta do much better if you’re gon’ dance with me tonight. You’ve gotta work your jelly if you gon’ dance with me tonight.” Naturally, I worked my jelly for her. “Read my lips carefully if you like what you see. Move, groove, prove you can hang with me. By the looks I got you shook up and scared of me. Hook up your seatbelt, it’s time to take off!”

“Ooh, baby, ooh--said, ooh!” Now I was singing backup for HER.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” Liesl turned and grinded into my pelvis. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. I don’t think you’re ready for this! ‘Cause my body too bootylicious for you babe!”

“The clouds never expect it when it rains, but the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change, and so with the slow graceful flow of age I went forth with an age-old desire to please--on the edge of seventeen!” What these lyrics mean, I could not tell you. Stevie Nicks has a genius far beyond my feeble comprehension.

[[You got that right.]]

ANYWAY, the words seemed appropriate if nonsensical, don’t you think? Thanks, Stevie! I owe you one. “Just like a white winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singin’!”

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” Liesl rocked her hips into mine. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

From there, Liesl and I delved into the depths of sexy-ass-boat-dancing. It was a small wonder. A musical masterpiece unparalleled in any universe. Goddamnit, I was good at my job. However, as all such awesome things must, the song came to an end, and it was storming harder than ever. Liesl was looking into my eyes again. Before I could consider doing anything about it myself, she jumped me. Her legs wrapped around my hips. Her arms hugged my neck. She snaked her hands around the back of my head, peeled my mask up, and planted her lips on mine.

“Not that I’m not enjoying this completely,” I said when she finally came up for air. “But seeing as we’re sort of siblings now, don’t you think this is kind of … I don’t know, Dollanganger of us to be making out?”

“I have no idea what any of that means,” she placed her lips back on mine.

[If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family, I always say.]

[[Don’t encourage him.]]

Yeah, don’t encourage me! Great, now both of you are talking. I’ll never get off.

[I give him five minutes.]

[[Wait until Peter finds out.]]

Damnit, guys! “Damnit, Liesl,” I pushed her off of me. That’s when I saw she was shivering. “Jesus, we should get inside. That dress is made out of nothing.”

“I hadn’t noticed the cold,” Liesl wrapped her arms around herself. “Until now.”

“That’s the adrenaline wearing off,” I said. “We better be very quiet sneaking in. Looks like Captain Daddy hasn’t gone beddy-bye yet.”

“I know a secret way in,” she took my hand and gave me that winning smile. “Come on.”


	5. Slumber Party

Liesl and I reached the back of the house and went to the left of the terrace. She pulled me along by the hand until we came to a small indentation There was an old drain pipe up to the roof. It was sturdily mounted to the side of the house, and it went right passed the second floor ledge, which jutted beneath with windows. I scrambled up the pipe with Liesl just behind me. I crept along the ledge and peaked into the first window. 

“Open it and go in,” Liesl said. “That’s the governess’s room.” 

“I can see that,” I said. “The light is on, but Maria doesn’t seem to be--oh, there she is. She’s just come out of the bathroom.” I cracked the window a bit and watched Maria move toward the chest of drawers. She put something away, but I couldn’t see what it was. There was a knock at the door. 

“Come in,” Maria said. The door opened. “Frau Schmidt.” 

“For your new dresses.” The housekeeper had a few bolts of fabric in her arms. She handed them over to the smiling Maria. “The captain had these sent from town.” 

“Oh, how lovely,” Maria caressed the fabric. “These will make the prettiest clothes I’ve ever had.” 

I felt something press and squeeze against my ass. “Pretty,” said Liesl. 

“Young girl, get off of my ass!” I sang. I swatted her and turned back to the window. 

“Do you think he would get more material if I asked?” 

Frau Schmidt made a face. “How many dresses does a governess need?” 

“Not for me,” Maria explained. “For the children. I want to make them some play clothes.” 

“The von Trapp children don’t play,” Frau Schmidt took the fabric back from Maria and placed it on the dresser. “They march.” 

“Surely, you don’t approve of that.” 

Frau Schmidt sighed. “Ever since the captain lost his poor wife, he runs this house as if he were on one of his ships again,” she frowned. “Whistles, orders. No more music. No more laughing. Nothing that reminds him of her. Even the children.” 

“But that’s so wrong,” said Maria. It was a good thing the rain was coming down so hard or Liesl might have seen the tears running down my face for Captain Daddy. That is, if she could take her eyes off of my fabulous ass for a second. 

“Oh, well,” Frau Schmidt broke up the mood in the air. “How do you like your room? There will be new drapes for the windows in the morning.” 

“But these are fine!” she insisted. 

“Nevertheless, new ones have been ordered,” Frau Schmidt turned towards the door. 

“But I really don’t need them,” Maria shrugged. 

“Good night, now,” Frau Schmidt started to close the door. I was losing my patience at this window. 

“Frau Schmidt?” The housekeeper paused, and Maria looked her in the eye. “If I asked the captain about the material..?”

“He’s leaving for Vienna in the morning.” 

“Of course,” Maria leaned on the door. “How long will he be gone?”

“NOW you care?!” Thankfully, thunder obscured the sound of my outburst.

“It depends. The last time he visited the baroness, he stayed for a month.” Frau Schmidt leaned in towards Maria. “I shouldn’t be saying this to you. I don’t know you that well, but, if you ask me, the captain is thinking very seriously of marrying the woman before the summer is over.” 

“That’s wonderful!” Maria exclaimed. “The children will have a mother again.” 

“Yes,” Frau Schmidt’s voice was as soaked in doubt as my bodysuit was with rain presently. “Well, good night.” 

“Good night,” Maria finally closed the door to Frau Schmidt. She went over to the bed, sunk to her knees, and folded her hands in prayer. I pressed the window open with quiet care. “Dear Father, now I know why You sent me here. To help these children prepare for a new mother. And I pray this will become a happy family in Thy sight.” I slipped one leg into the room, then another. I didn’t make a sound. Liesl mirrored my every move. “God bless the captain. God bless Liesl and Friedrich. God bless Louisa, Brigitta, Marta, and little Gretl. And I forgot the other boy--what’s his name?” 

“Wade,” I answered without thinking. 

[[Do you ever?]]

“God bless the Reverend Mother,” Maria continued without opening her eyes. “And Sister Margaretta, and everybody at the abbey.” Liesl and I thought we were about the sneak out, but Maria said her name again. Liesl stopped in her tracks. “And now, dear God, about Liesl. Help her to know that I am her friend, and help her tell me what she has been up to.” 

“Are you going to tell one me?” asked Liesl.

Maria shushed her. “Help me to be understanding so I may guide her footsteps. In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.” She crossed herself and took in the sight of us. 

“I was out walking and somebody locked the doors early,” Liesl was talking too fast for it to not sound like she’d rehearsed this whole speech. “I didn’t want to wake everybody. I saw Deadpool down by the lake, and then it started to rain. Your window was open … you’re … not going to tell Father, are you?” 

Maria smiled and walked to the window. She stuck her head out and looked down. “How did you climb up?” She looked at me.

“Don’t look at me,” I said. “Liesl climbed up all on her own.” 

“It’s how we always got in to play tricks on the governess,” Liesl spread a wicked grin across her face. “Louisa can make it with a whole jar of spiders in her hand!” 

“Spiders?!” Maria accidentally slammed the window shut. She took a steadying breath. “Were you out walking all by yourself before you found Wade?” Liesl nodded, slowly. She looked Maria in the eye and then shook her head at the same rate. Maria gave her a knowing smile.

“You don’t have to worry about it, Maria,” I said. “I took care of it.” 

“If we wash that dress tonight, nobody would notice it tomorrow,” Maria looked at the mud and blood stains down the front of Liesl’s dress. Corpse tossing and climbing drain pipes did a number on clothes. Maria went to the dresser and pulled out a nightgown. “You could put this on. Take your dress and put it to soak in the bath. Come back here, sit on the bed, and we’ll have a talk.” 

Liesl took the nightgown. “I told you today I didn’t need a governess,” she grinned. “Well, maybe I do.” 

Liesl went into the bathroom to change. I moved to follow her, but Maria grabbed me by the shoulders and steered me back to the other side of the bed. 

“You’re dry enough already,” Maria said. 

“But I want to wear a nightgown too!” I whined. I materialised a nightgown over my suit. Lightning flashed in the windows. Thunder rumbled over the villa. A thudding sound came down the hallway. The bedroom door burst open, and there was Gretl. Her shoulders were tensed up around her ears. She froze in the doorway. Her eyes locked with Maria’s. "Gretl, are you scared?” She shook her head, but was clearly disturbed. Thunder cracked nearer than before. Gretl sprinted toward me and jumped into my arms. 

“You’re not frightened of a storm are you?” Maria chided. 

I gave Maria a defensive look, then turned away from her to the shaking girl in my arms. “It’s okay, Gretl,” I said. “I used to be afraid of thunderstorms, too.” 

“You’re not afraid anymore?” she asked. 

“Of thunderstorms?” I shook my head. “You see, Gretl, your old pal Deadpool here cannot be killed. Even though I shaved my beard and everything.” 

Gretl giggled. “You’d look silly with a beard, Deadpool.” 

“I did look silly, Gretl,” I booped her on the nose and looked back at Maria. “That is how you calm a kid down in the thunderstorm.” I squeezed the girl in my arms. “You stay right here with me.” 

“Where are the others?” Maria asked. 

“They’re asleep,” said Gretl. “They’re not scared.” 

A thunderous clap rocked the ground under the house … and Deadpool quickly fatigued of describing thunder in new and various ways. Oh, yeah, and Louisa, Brigitta, and Marta appeared in the open bedroom doorway. 

“Come join the party!” Gretl and I flopped down on the bed, and I tickled her. 

“All right, up here on the bed,” Maria joined our fun-pile. 

“Really?” asked Marta. 

“Well, just this once,” said Maria. “Come on. Now we’ll just wait for the boys.” 

“You won’t see them,” said Louisa. “Boys are brave.” 

I cackled, but it was drowned out by--you guessed it--the sound of thunder. 

“You weren’t scared, were you?” I asked Friedrich and Kurt who’d materialized a the bedroom door. 

“Oh, no,” Friedrich straightened up and grinned. “We just wanted to be sure that YOU weren’t.” 

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Friedrich,” said Maria. She fished under the covers of the bed and pulled off her two wool slippers. 

“It wasn’t my idea,” Friedrich said. “It was Kurt’s!” 

“KURT! That’s the one I left out!” Maria exclaimed. “God bless Kurt.” 

All of the children ducked and covered. The sound didn’t remind me of that good, Arizona thunder Jim Morrison imported for “Riders on the Storm.” This thunder was more like typewriters eating tin-foil being kicked down the stairs. This thunder was distinctly German. 

“Why does it do that?” Marta pulled her face out of Maria’s arm-pit. 

“The lightning talks to the thunder,” Maria made up on the spot. “And the thunder answers back.” 

“The lightning must be nasty,” Marta observed. 

“Not really,” Maria laughed. 

“Then why does the thunder get so angry?” Marta sniffled. “It makes me want to cry.” 

Maria raised the girl’s chin with a single finger. “Whenever I’m feeling unhappy, I just try to think of nice things.” 

“What kind of things?” Marta and Louisa asked together. 

“Well, let’s see,” Maria squinted, really thinking about it. “Nice things … daffodils. Green meadows. Skies full of stars. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens--”

“OHMYGOD, KITTENS!” I nearly dropped Gretl in my excitement. I was on the verge of having a Kristen Bell breakdown over here. “Kittens are my ONLY weakness.” Maria gave me a blank stare. “I’m sorry, please continue with the incredibly uplifting musical number.” I turned back to Gretl. “Thou shalt not interrupt Julie Andrews when she sings.” 

“Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,” sang Maria. 

“I had a kitten named Mittens once,” Maria gave me the eye. “I’m SORRY! Jeez.” 

“Brown paper packages tied up with strings,” Maria forged on. “These are a few of my favorite things.” 

“Kittens like to play with strings,” I hid my face behind Gretl’s back. “Just sayin’.”

“Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudel,” Maria ignored my continued interruptions. “Doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles. Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings. These are a few of my favorite things.”

“Wielding katanas for hacking and slashes,” I sang to Gretl. “Fanfic and random-ass universe mashes. Stuffed chimichangas and referencing things. These are a few of my favorite things!”

“When the dog bites. When the bee stings. When I’m feeling sad,” Maria leaned into Marta. “I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad!” 

“Does it really work?” Marta stood up on the bed.

“Of course,” Maria said. “You try.” 

Marta thought for a second. “Pussywillows!”

“Christmas!” shouted Brigitta.

“Bunny rabbits,” Gretl giggled louder than before. 

“Snakes!” Friedrich chased Louisa around the bed.

“Chocolate icing,” Kurt rubbed his stomach.

“No school,” Louisa offered as an option.

“Pillow fights,” Friedrich brought down a pillow on his brother’s head. 

“Telegrams!” Liesl came out of the bathroom and joined in on the fun. 

“Birthday presents!” shouted Brigitta.

“Any presents,” Kurt bounced up onto the bed.

“Ladybugs,” Marta climbed off the bed and started jumping. 

“A good sneeze!” Friedrich hollered. 

“Aah-choo!” I fake sneezed, and tossed Gretl in the air. 

“Gesundheit!” Maria stood on the bed, herself. “See what fun it is?”

“Getting distracted by playing with kittens,” I sang in defiance of Maria’s earlier chastisement. “Especially my favorite kitten, Miss Mittens. Having a ball trapped in the silver screen, just might be one of my favorite things.” 

“Together,” Maria said. Marta and Brigitta joined hands and spun in circles.

“Breaking the rules and not getting in trouble,” Liesl sang. “Breaking the law and now I’m off with double. Breaking away from the patriachy!” 

“Gurl,” I thrust one hand on my hip, and the other pointed at Liesl. “That would be one of my favorite things!” 

“Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel,” Maria pranced across the room. “Doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles. Wild geese that fly with a moon on their wings!” Maria grabbed a pillow off of the bed and threw it in the air. “These are a few of my favorite things! When the dog bi-bi-bites … whu?”

The children and I quickly lined up around and on the bed as needed. We had to. The reason Maria stopped singing was Captain Daddy’s presence in the doorway. Clearly, the sound of happiness stirred him from his brooding. 

“Fraulein, did I not tell you that bedtime is strictly observed in this house?” His voice was raised. It was so fucking sexy. 

“The children were upset by the storm, so I…” Maria stopped trying to explain. The look on Captain Daddy’s face made it clear that no excuse would suffice. “You did, sir.” 

“Do you, or do you not have difficulty remembering such simple instructions?” Captain Daddy clearly had no idea who he was dealing with. 

“Only during thunderstorms, sir,” Maria sassed. 

“Leisl?” Captain Daddy turned his attention to his eldest. “I don’t recal seeing you after dinner.” 

“Really?” Liesl shrugged a shoulder. “As a matter of fact--” 

“Yes?” Captain Daddy dared her to tell him a lie he would believe. God, he made my knees knock when he was like this. 

“Well, I was--” she stammered. 

“What she would like to say, captain,” Maria intervened. “Is that she and I have been getting better acquainted tonight. It’s too late to go into that. You heard your father. Go back to bed.” 

Maria shooed the children out of her room. They each left regretting being caught this time. Funny how that works. It was just Maria, Captain Daddy, and myself left. 

“Fraulein,” he said. “You have managed to remember I’m leaving in the morning? Is it also possible you remember the first rule of this house is discipline?” Maria nodded. I nodded. I didn’t know what I was agreeing with or to, except that Captain Daddy’s voice was hypnotic, and I would do any-fucking-thing he wanted right now. 

“Then, I trust that before I return,” he leaned into her a little bit. “You’ll have acquired some?”

Maria chose to take the high road and ignore the insult. “Captain?” she asked. “Could I talk to you about clothes for the children for when they play? If I could get some material--”

“You are many things,” Captain Daddy stopped her words. “Not the least of which is repetitious.” 

“But they’re children!” 

“Yes,” Captain Daddy asserted all of his power. “And I am their father. Good night.” 

I closed the door behind Captain Daddy and put an arm around the dejected Maria. “Don’t let him get to you. He’ll be gone tomorrow, and who is to stop us doing whatever the fuck we want with those kids, right?”

She let my arm slide off of her shoulders, and she walked over to the window. Maria watched the rain. She sung a little to herself again. “Girls in white dressed with blue satin sashes.” She unfastened the drapes and closed them. She got a good look at the fabric. Light dawned on Marblehead. I saw the flash of inspiration in her eyes. “When the dog bites. When the bee stings. When I’m feeling sad. I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad!” 

Maria wrapped herself up in the drapes. I jumped for joy. We spent the night diligently turning the curtains into play clothes for the kiddos. We had to force ourselves to bed before the sun rose. Some rest was indeed necessary, because next up was our second montage!


	6. Knowledge Bombs and Sword Play

I threw Gretl up on my shoulders. We all ran up passed the villa’s front gate and down the road. We took the same bus which had dropped us off “the day before.” Cue movie magic. This montage covered weeks in brief clips. We explored Salzburg in all of its musical wonder. We froliced by majestic rivers with hills that reached up to the clouds. Hell, even going to the market for food became an adventure. 

Maria pretended to juggle, clearly forgetting my skill from earlier. The little ones were amused at her efforts. She tossed tomatoes to the kids. Gretl dropped one and it squashed. Her bottom lip quivered. I drew Bea out of her sheath, plucked up the tomato, with a flick of my wrist I turned the tomato into a rose, and I presented it to the now smiling Gretl. 

Another day we’d packed a HUGE lunch--my favorite--and hiked up that giant-ass mountain Maria and I first encountered each other on. It was much warmer now, and the grass in the meadow on the side of the mountain grew thick and full. After lunch, a few of the kids tossed around a ball. Maria picked at her guitar and sang to a few of the others. Before things got all Sister Act II, I grabbed Gretl and took her a few feet away from the rest of the group. 

“I’ve got a present for you,” I pulled out two half-size katanas for her. Gretl’s face lit up in delight. 

“For me?!” she bounced. “My own Bea and Arthur?”

“No,” I gave her a serious face. “No two swords can be named the same thing. It’s like, a rule or … something.” 

[Smooth.]

“THESE,” I blocked out the box in my head. “Are Anne and Frank.” 

She took the mini-katanas from me, and I put a harness for them on her back. In their sheaths, Gretl bounced again, and the tiny swords bounced with her. It was the cutest fucking thing I had ever seen in any universe, ever (for the second time this fic?)

“Okay,” I said. “Now stand over here, beside me. That’s right. I’m going to show you how to draw like a badass. Are you ready?”

Gretl nodded. She took a focused stance beside me. A natural. I raised my arms up, grabbed Bea and Arthur by their hilts, and I slowly drew the blades crossing in front of my boss face. Gretl repeated the motions perfectly. I instructed her to do it again. She did, but this time dropped Frank. I held my breath. Was she going to cry? Nope! No she was not. She sighed, picked up the sword, and placed it back in it’s sheath. 

“You’ll have to keep practicing,” I said. She nodded. “Get used to the weight of them. They are small, but they’re still heavy. Let them tell you where they want to go.” 

I was hungry again, so I tossed her up on my shoulders. She stood up on them so she could look all around. I tossed her down at my side when we reached the picnic blanket and the others. I grabbed an apple and munched. This was the life. 

“Fraulein Maria?” Brigitta asked between nibbles of her bread roll. “Can we do this every day?”

“Don’t you think you’d get tired of it?” Maria answered.

“I suppose so,” Brigitta shrugged. “Every other day?”

“I haven’t had so much fun since we put glue on Fraulein Josephine’s toothbrush,” Kurt laid back on the blanket, stuffed with food.

“I can’t understand how children as nice as you can play such awful tricks on people,” Maria shook her head. 

“Thinking these are ‘nice kids’ was your first mistake,” I pointed at the kids with a chicken drumstick I pulled from the basket, then I took a bite. 

“It’s easy!” Louisa grinned a cheshire grin. 

“But WHY do it?” asked Maria. 

“How else can we get Father’s attention?” Liesl looked down at her hands. 

“Oh, I see,” Maria rested her head on her thumb. “We’ll have to think about that one. Alright, everybody over here.” 

“What are we going to do?” Brigitta sat up. 

“Think of a song to sing for the baroness,” Maria straightened out her dress and fixed her guitar on her lap. 

“Father doesn’t like us to sing,” Brigitta and Louisa said together. It was a clear sign of past trauma. 

“Perhaps we can change his mind,” Maria was already fully convinced she was going to do it. “Now what songs do you know?”

“We don’t know any songs,” said Friedrich. 

“Not any?” Maria’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline. 

“We don’t even know HOW to sing,” Brigitta sighed and took an bigger bite of her roll. 

“Let’s not lose time,” Maria strummed a chord. “You must learn.” 

“But how?” Louisa sat on her heels and put her head in her hands. 

“Let’s start at the very beginning,” Maria strummed the opening notes on her guitar. 

“A very good place to start,” I sang and pulled Gretl back into my lap. “When you read, you begin with?”

“A. B. C.” Gretl sang. 

“When you sing,” Maria continued to play. “You begin with Do. Re. Mi.” 

“Do. Re. Mi?” all the children repeated, unsure. 

“Do. Re. Mi.” Maria nodded. “The first three notes just happen to be: Do. Re. Mi.” 

“Do. Re. Mi.” we all repeated, mystified. 

“Do. Re. Mi. Fa. So. La. Ti…” Maria saw our glassy expressions and looked down at her guitar. “Let’s see if I can make it easier.” 

“We’re not idiots here,” I said. “Anyone not following along?”

All the children raised their hands, except Gretl. I looked at their sad, lost, little faces. I sighed. 

“‘Doe,’ a deer. A female deer,” Maria plucked away at her guitar. “‘Ray,’ a drop of golden sun. ‘Me,’ a name I call myself. ‘Far,’ a long, long way to run.”

“Was that a Boston accent?” I scratched my head. 

“‘Sew,’ a needle pulling thread,” Maria leaned forward and grinned over us all. The children were getting into it. “‘La,’ a note to follow ‘sew.’”

“That’s weak,” I barked. “You can do better mister Rodgers!” 

“‘Tea,’ a drink with jam and bread!” Maria gave me the eye, and I backed off. Really, kids, don’t mess with Julie Andrews while she’s singing. “That will bring us back to ‘doe’ oh-oh-oh!” 

“‘Doe!’” Gretl sang and jumped off of my lap.

“A deer. A female deer,” I sang and scrambled after her.

“‘Ray!’” sang Brigitta and Louisa. 

“A drop of golden sun,” Maria’s smile was competing against the sun in the sky for brightest object. The mood was so light and happy that I worried about my darkest of hearts. 

How are you doing, Yellow? You there, old buddy? Yeeeeelloooooooooooo--ouch! Every muscle in my arms and chest tightened. My hand flew up to my throat, choking the air out of me. 

“‘Me!’” All the children sang, and I started bashing my own head into the ground. Unfortunately, the grass made it too soft to do any real damage.

“A name,” I said between thumps on the ground. “I call,” thunk, “my,” thunk, “self!” SMASH! 

“‘Far!’” Brigitta tossed the rest of her roll into the field. I managed to regain control of my arms, and I sat up with a delightfully bloody nose. It went well with my new play clothes. 

“A long, long way to run!” Maria got up from the picnic and moved to a clear spot. “‘Sew,’ a needle pulling thread!” 

“‘La!’” I gave my best Julie Andrews impression. I totally aced that shit. “A Scouse name for a bro!” See, better. 

“‘Tea?’” Maria turned to the children.

We all sang, “ A drink with jam and bread!” 

“That will bring us back to--” Maria started, but we finished. 

The children and I crept up on Maria while we sang. “‘Doe,’ a deer. A female deer. ‘Ray,’ a drop of golden sun. ‘Me,’ a name I call myself!” We jumped up and Maria lead the way, dancing through the field which turned into a sprint a moment later. “‘Far,’ a long, long way to run!” I still didn’t understand the random Boston accent in the middle of a musical set in Austria, but there was no slowing down the momentum into another montage! “‘Sew,’ a needle pulling thread!” Our large, blended family did the cutest choreography we could muster, and then we marched behind Maria. “‘La’ a note to follow ‘sew!’ ‘Tea,’ a drink with jam and bread. That will bring us back to ‘doe!’” We hopped into a line behind Maria. “Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do, So-Do!”

Suddenly, we were in town again, seeing the sights. Old buildings, rivers, and shit I wasn’t really paying attention to, because how many opportunities does one have to actually be singing along, side by side, with JULIE FUCKING ANDREWS?!

[Let’s see, you’ve already sung--] Not now, Whitey! [It’s not me you should be worried about. Yellow--] CAN IT! JULIE ANDREWS IS TEACHING! 

“Now children,” Maria sat on a bench overlooked the gorgeous old Salzburg … man, this descriptive stuff is for the birds. No wonder I never do fics. I know, I’ll hoist the job onto Yellow. That ought to cheer him up! 

[You’re gonna make him sna--]

[[SHUT. UP. WHITEY!]] 

Ow, my brain. So is that a ‘yes?’

“Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So and so on are only the tools we use to build a song,” [[the sound of Maria’s voice made me want to stick a katana in my eye.]] “Once you have these notes in your head, you can sing a million different tunes by mixing them up. Like this: So-Do-La-Fa-Mi-Do-Re. Can you do that?”

“So-Do-La-Fa-Mi-Do-Re,” [[the saccharine voices of the children threatened to send me over the edge.]]

This is perfect. Keep going.

“So-Do-La-Ti-Do-Re-Do,” [[with every note Maria sang, the heat in my blood rose another degree.]]

“So-Do-La-Ti-Do-Re-Do, [[the children torturously echoed.]]

“Now, put it all together,” [[I said, because Deadpool is a fucking asshole who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.]] Yes, really go for it, Yellow.

“So-Do-La-Fa-Mi-Do-Re,” [[I envisioned blood pouring down cute little slits in the children’s throats.]] “So-Do-La-Ti-Do-Re-Do!”

“Good!” [[Maria’s smile made my stomach heave.]]

“But it doesn’t mean anything!” [[Brigitta said, exposing herself for the idiot child she was.]]

“So we put in words,” [[Maria suggested instead of slapping the child upside the head.]] “One word for every note. Like this: When you know the notes to sing, you can sing most anything! Together!”

“When you know the notes to sing!” [[all of my power could not stop my vocal chords from participating in this dreadfully happy number with the rest of the plebs.]] “You can sing most anything!” 

“Isn’t this fun?” [[I asked myself. I punched myself in the face.]]

“‘Doe,’” [[sang Maria and half of the children. Un-fucking-fortunately, we magically appeared on bicycles, and we spun down a country road.]]

“A deer. A female deer,” [[I choked the words out with the other half of the children. The sun was nauseatingly bright.]] “‘Ray!’”

“A drop of golden sun.” 

“‘Me!’”

“A name I call myself,” Yellow, you’re dropping the ball here! [[This job sucks.]] “‘Far!’”

“A long, long way to run.” Do it, Yellow! 

“‘Sew,’” [[the so-called brilliant side of my brain, the part controlling my body, chose to jump off the bike i rode on.]]

“A needle pulling thread,” [[Maria and the children followed my lead, despite my best hopes of escaping the rest of this song.]] “‘La!’”

“I want to cut your throats!” WHITEY, how dare you?! [[Ask and ye shall receive, motherfucker. This is where I take over. The children followed me to the center of a giant field beside the road. Each child picked up a pair of sticks along the way. All except Gretl, who took out her swords. She was probably the only child among them who had REAL potential, even if she sang all cute and shit.]] Awe, Whitey! Ow! [I gave my right nipple a painfully hard twist.]] “TEASE!” 

“A drink with jam and bread,” [[and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, everyone sang together.]] “That will bring us back to ‘doe!’”

[[The scene changed, and I prepared for the worst. This time we appeared in one of the back gardens of the von Trapp villa. Maria and the children were lined up in front of targets modeled after major Nazi officials. Gretl lined up with the main man, Adolf, himself. On my command, the children drew their new swords from their sheaths. Gretl did so with such ferocity, she sliced the skin above and below her right eye. She didn’t even flinch.]]

“Forms!” [[I shouted.]]

“Do!” [[Gretl flicked her wrists and reversed her grip on the blades with one, fluid motion.]] Fucking badass. 

“Re!” [[Marta brought one of her swords over her head and glared at her target.]]

“Mi!” [[Brigitta swung her swords out to her sides, a feeble attempt to intimidate.]]

“Fa!” [[Kurt lept into the air and brought both swords over his head. He stabbed them both at slight angles, piercing the target’s skull. Fake blood splattered his face.]]

“So!” [[Louisa kept her swords close to her body and spun in front of her target. She sliced open it’s abdomen, and actual guts spilled out of the target.]]

“La!” [[Friedrich lunged forward, tossed both swords into one hand, punched is target in the face, spun halfway around, and kicked it in the jaw. The head flew off the target and landed ten feet away. 

“Ti!” [[Liesl ignored the target directly in front of her, or so it seemed. She flattened herself against the ground.]]

“Do-Do!” [[I called out the next phase of the attack.]]

“Ti!” [[Liesl threw one of her swords, and it flew all the way through her target’s neck.]]

“La!” [[Friedrich crossed to Marta, picked her up, and tossed her at her target. Her blades found their home in it’s chest.]]

“So!” [[Louisa sheathed her swords, cupped her hands, and Gretl stepped into them. Louisa tossed her baby sister into the air.]]

“Fa!” [[Kurt cartwheeled under his baby sister, and back to his original spot in line. He crouched down and Brigitta sprung off of his back.]]

“Mi!” [[Brigitta spread her legs in the air and wrapped them around her target’s neck. She brought down her swords in the center of it’s skull and backflipped off. In mid-air she gave Gretl--flying by--more momentum by pushing her further down the line.]]

“Re!” [[Marta side-stepped Brigitta and sliced through the knees of her target, cutting it down to her size. She ripped through the target’s abdomen with a single katana.]]

“Do!” [[I called out the final phase. Gretl’s eyes flashed in anticipation.]]

“Mi-Mi!” [[Brigitta ran passed the last line of targets. She caught gretl and they ran onward together with the other children following behind.]] “Mi!” 

“So-So!” [[Louisa slashed through to more targets. She left them broken things.

“Re!” [[Marta caught up to Brigitta and Gretl, and they ran in hero formation. They joined hands and lept over a large target. Gretl used all of her strength to spin her sisters around, and Marta threw a katana at it. The sword went directly through the eye socket.]]

“Fa-Fa!” [[Kurt rolled between the legs of one target, and he sliced through the two just beyond. When two more popped up in front of him, he diced them to smithereens]]

“La!” [[Friedrich pummeled his body into one of the two final targets. This one wore a blonde wig, was thin, and rather frail. It collapsed like Philip Pullman’s characterization of God. Gretl’s eye darkened as she approached the final target.]]

“Ti-Ti!” [[Liesl scooped up Gretl. Gretl pressed her feet on her older sister’s chest. She launched herself in the air at the target. She let out a guttural roar that gave all the other children chills. She crossed her swords in front of her face and sliced the mustachioed target into quarters.]]

Snort, mustachioed. [[I’m done.]] Awe, c’mon Yellow. This was so fun! 

“When you know the notes to sing,” Maria’s voice filled my evil little heart with glee, and I quickly realized the boxes wouldn’t be talking anytime soon. “You can sing most anything!” 

“‘Doe!’ A deer! A female deer!” We lept and ran down a vine covered archway. 

“Ray! A drop of golden sun!” Maria run up beside me. 

“‘Me!’ A name I call myself!” We marched down a very well manicured path up to a fountain that was more wide than it was tall. “‘Fa!’ A long, long way to run!” 

“‘Sew!’ A needle pulling thread!” The children ran away from the fountain and into a staggered line in front of a stone stairway leading up and away from the fountain. Maria took the lead. “‘La!’ Their heads are gonna roll!” The children drew their katanas. “‘Tea!’ A drink with jam and bread! That will bring us back to--”

“So!” Louisa flew up to the top of the stairs with her katanas outstretched. 

“Do!” Gretl was right behind her. Louisa dropped to her knees, and her sister ran up her back with her swords held high.

“La!” Friedrich took a wide flank to the left of Louisa and Gretl, guns blazing. 

“Fa!” Kurt took the right flank, and he was ready to pummel any melee targets with his bare fists. 

“Mi!” Brigitta walked up the stairs backwards to cover her sibling’s backs. Her katanas spun in her hands like steel tornadoes. 

“Do!” Gretl got the final target of the montage in her sights. It was tall. It was wide. It had orange skin and hair, and very little stuffing in the groinal region. She was staring it right in the eyes. 

“Re!” Marta calmly walked up the stairs behind her siblings with nothing but a mysterious smile and her new pink parasol resting on her shoulder. 

“So!” Louisa signaled for her other siblings to clear the way for Marta. Nearly all of them ran off to the sides of the stairs and took cover. 

“Do!” All except Gretl, who growled and sprinted toward the fuck-cheeto with hair. 

“La!” Friedrich called out just before a dozen new targets appeared at the top of the stairs. Mostly men dressed in suits with ties that went down too far below the gig-line. Gretl disappeared beyond them. 

“Fa!” Kurt ran up behind Marta and pressed his shoulder into her back. She pressed a concealed button on her parasol and it expanded into a pink rocket launcher. 

“Ti!” Maria held on to this note for dear life. Gretl took a flying leap at the 45th president of the United States. She hacked off his nose with one katana, spun around and sliced through his massive gut with the second. 

“La-So!” Marta pressed the button on the parasol again, and a high pitched noise of the weapon charging rang in her ears. 

“Me-Re!” Liesl swooped in like the amazing one himself, and snached her baby sister out of harm’s way. Marta hit the button for a third time and fired a shot at the large group of hate filled targets. 

“Ti-Do! Oh--OH!” and Maria hit that note, like only Julie Andrews can. It filled my entire body with satisfaction. The only thing that made it better was seeing Marta’s rocket hit the targets. The rocket exploded upon impact, leaving no target untouched by it. Shrapnel embedded into the periphery targets, but the effect was definitely still lethal.

“So-Do!” Liesl and Gretl landed by Marta’s side. The children spun around to face Maria and me. With their weapons away and innocent smiles back on their faces, they each made a final pose. 

The combination of cute and carnage was too much for me. I shed a single tear of pride and decided that it was time for me to go find Captain Daddy. Boy, would he be impressed with what we’ve done with the children in just a few short weeks. I knew just where I would find him. I’ll give you nerds a clue. He’s in the next chapter.


	7. More Than You Know

I found Captain Daddy driving his fancy car a few miles down the country road from his villa. There were two others with him. One was a short man who sat in the back seat. His bushy mustache and crinkled face made me think that I could trust him, but only so far. It was the other person who really caught my eye. Her hair was a white gold that matched her skin. Her lips were thin, pointed, and dangerous when smiling. As they passed, I jumped out of my hiding place in the trees and onto the back of the car. I was not noticed.

“The mountains are magnificent,” said the goddess, who must have been the Baroness. “Really magnificent.”

“I had them put in just for you,” said Captain Daddy. I nearly swooned from so much sexy.

“Oh?” the lucky bastard earned himself a half smile from the Baroness.

“Even if it’s to a height of 10,000 feet,” said the man in the back seat. “Georg always believes in rising to the occasion.”

“Improve the jokes, Max, or I’ll dis-invite you,” Captain Daddy gave him a sideways glance.

“You didn’t invite me,” Uncle Max gestured with indifference. “I invited myself.”

“Naturally,” Captain Daddy nodded. He kept his eyes on the road except to steal the occasional look at the Baroness beside him.

“You needed a chaperon,” Uncle Max continued. “And I needed a place where the cuisine is superb, the wine cellar unexcelled, and the price--perfect!”

“Max, you are outrageous,” the Baroness giggled. The sound was like bubbling champagne.

“Not at all!” Uncle Max raised his bushy eyebrows. “I’m a very charming sponge. Listen--” For a second, I thought the game was up and I was found out.

“That’s the Klopmann Monastery Choir,” Captain Daddy nodded at a large red building in the distance. The faint sound of music--see what I did there?!--traveled up the hillside to us.

“They’re good,” Uncle Max pulled on one side of his mustache. “Very good. I must explore this area in the next few days. Somewhere, a hungry little singing group is waiting for Max Detweiler to pluck it out of obscurity and make it famous at the Salzburg Folk Festival.”

“They get the fame, you get the money,” said Captain Daddy. The Baroness laughed.

“It’s unfair, I admit,” Uncle Max said offhand. “But someday that’ll be changed. I shall get the fame too.”

“You and I should be friends, Maxie Pad,” I said. I plopped myself into the seat beside him and rapped a friendly arm around his shoulders.

“Good heavens, what’s this?” his eyes bulged at me.

Captain Daddy thought Uncle Max was referring to the children hanging from the trees on the edge of his property. “It’s nothing,” he said. “Just some local urchins.”

“Is that a nice thing to say about your own children?” I asked, and Captain Daddy nearly swerved off the road.

“How did YOU get here?” he demanded in a voice which sent chills of delight down my spine. It was his first real acknowledgement of my existence.

“I’ve been asking myself that same question, Captain Daddy,” I winked at him. I still had my arm around Uncle Max’s shoulder when the Baroness fixed me with her gaze. I nudged the back of Captain Daddy’s seat. “So, when are you going to stop being the biggest chump in Austria and introduce me to your friend?”

“I’m Else,” said the Baroness. She extended a delicate hand to me.

“Wade,” I shook her and made my eyes do the smiling thing. “So, you’re the famous Baroness.”

She gave me a look that said, “You bet your ass, I am,” and then cocked her head just slightly. “You’re not from around here.”

“An astute observation,” I nodded.

The Baroness turned back toward the front conversation ceased. Captain Daddy pulled in at the villa not long after. Things were taken in by the house staff, and everyone went to refresh themselves. We reconvened a half hour later, on the terrace overlooking the lake.

“This is really exciting for me, Georg,” the Baroness took Captain Daddy’s hand into her own. “Being here with you.”

“Trees, lakes, you’ve seen them before,” Captain Daddy was trying to be cool about it all, but it was obvious he was really in love with his home.

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it,” she nudged his shoulder.

“Oh, you mean me?” Captain Daddy chuckled. “I’m exciting.”

“Is that so impossible?”

“No,” I sighed heavily and leaned over the banister, watching them.

“Just highly improbable,” said Captain Daddy.

“There you go,” the Baroness rolled her eyes. “Running yourself down.”

“Well, I’m a dangerous driver,” Captain Daddy waggled his eyebrows.

“You’re much less of a riddle when I see you here, Georg,’ she turned away from the lake to face him directly.

“In my natural habitat?” The grin on Captain Daddy’s face made him look like a boy again. “Is that what you mean?”

“Yes, exactly,” she pointed a finger at him.

“Are you saying that I’m more at home among the birds and the flowers and the wind that moves through the trees like a restless sea?” Captain Daddy gave the Baroness a dreamy-eyed stare, and a puddle of drool was quickly forming at my feet.

“How poetic,” said the Baroness.

“Yes, it was rather, wasn’t it?” He winked. “More at home here than in Vienna in all of your glittering salons, gossiping gaily with bores I detest, soaking myself in champagne, stumbling about to waltzes by Strausses I can’t even remember? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes,” said the Baroness.

“Now whatever gave you that idea?”

“Has he told you about the new babysitter?” I wolf-whistled. The Baroness shook her head at me.

“Oh, Wade,” she said, having forgotten I as there. “I was just asking Georg how he could bear leaving all this lovely peacefulness so often.”

“Pretending to be madly active, I suppose,” Captain Daddy shrugged and smiled, all charm. “Activity suggests a life filled with purpose.”

“Could it be running away from memories?” the Baroness asked, bringing the tone of the conversation back to serious.

“Or perhaps just searching for a reason to stay,” the smiled slipped off his face. Captain Daddy looked out onto the lake, but his vision turned inward.

“I hope that is why you’ve been coming to Vienna so often,” said the Baroness. “Were there other distractions?”

“I’d hardly call you a mere distraction,” said Captain Daddy, coming out of himself.

“Well, what would you call me, Georg?” She moved in close.

“Lovely,” his soft smile was back, then he started talking fast. “Charming, witty, graceful, the perfect hostess, and--you’re going to hate me for this--in a way, my savior.”

“Oh, how unromantic!” Even pouting, the Baroness was a goddess.

“I completely disagree with you on that one, Else,” I melted into my chair on the terrace.

“I’d be an ungrateful wretch if I didn’t say that you brought some meaning back into my life,” Captain Daddy said. I wasn’t sure who I was more smitten with at the moment. I was totally shipping these two together. Preferably with me between them. On a desert island. For at least three weeks.

“I’m amusing, I suppose,” the Baroness shrugged a shoulder.

“Don’t sell yourself short,” I pushed myself out of the chair and stood beside them. “You’re amazing.”

“I have the finest courtier in Vienna and a glittering circle of friends,” she smiled up at me. “I do give some rather gay parties.”

“Oh, yes,” Captain Daddy nodded in agreement.

“But take that all away,” she sighed. “And you just have wealthy, unattached, little me.” She gazed into Captain Daddy’s eyes. “Searching just like you.”

And she might have said more if Uncle Max hadn’t chosen that moment to come outside. One of the house maids was taking in a tray, and she asked him, “More strudel, Herr Detweiler?”

“How many have I had?” asked Uncle Max.

“Two,” she answered.

“Make it an uneven three,” he plucked one up from the tray.

“Still eating, Max?” Captain Daddy asked. The mood was completely dispelled. “Must be unhappy.”

“That mixed quartet I’ve been trying to steal away from Sol Hurok,” Uncle Max grumbled into his pastry.

“What happened?”

“Sascha Petrie stole them first,” Uncle Max took an indignant bite. “I hate thieves.”

“Max, you really must try and learn to love yourself,” Captain Daddy patted him on the shoulder.

“I had to call Paris, Rome, and Stockholm,” Uncle Max sighed.

“On Georg’s telephone, of course,” the Baroness rolled her eyes.

“How else could I afford it?” Uncle Max shrugged. “I like rich people--I like the way they live and how I live when I am with them.”

“I wonder where the children are?” Captain Daddy looked up at the house.

“We passed them on the way here,” I said. “Remember? Urchins in the trees? Ring a bell?”

“They must have heard I was coming and hid,” said the Baroness.

“No way,” I said. “We were ALL super excited to hear you were coming. We planned a surprise for you and everything, honest.”

“I was hoping they’d be here to welcome you,” Captain Daddy was getting reflective again. “Max, do step out of character for a moment and try and be charming.” Captain Daddy marched himself into the house. Uncle Max scuttled over to where the Baroness and I stood.

“Well?” he took her arm.

“Well what?” she rolled her eyes at him again.

“Have you made up his mind yet?” He took another bite of the strudel. “Do I hear wedding bells?”

“Pealing madly,” she said not without a touch of sarcasm. It was lost on the likes of Uncle Max.

“Marvelous,” he finished his strudel and brushed off his fingers.

“Not necessarily for me,” said the Baroness.

“She’s not wrong,” I said.

“What kind of talk is that?” Uncle Max gave me a grumpy face.

“It’s none-of-your-business talk, Max,” said the Baroness. “I’m terribly fond of Georg, and I won’t have you toying with us.”

“But I’m a child. I like toys,” Uncle Max pulled her even closer to him “So, tell me everything. Come on, tell me every teensy-weensy, intimate, disgusting detail.”

“Well,” the Baroness looked me in the eye, then back to Uncle Max. “Let’s just say I have a feeling I may be here on approval.”

“I approve of that,” said Uncle Max. “How can you miss?”

“Easily,” I chuckled. “Wait ‘til you meet the kids. Wear a dress without pockets if you know what I mean.”

“If I know you, darling, and I do,” Uncle Max tapped her hand in reassurance. “You will find a way.”

“He’s no ordinary man,” said the Baroness.

“No,” said Uncle Max. “He’s rich.”

“His wife’s death left him with a terrible heartache,” the Baroness sighed and looked out onto the lake. There was a long boat drifting near the center. She’d not noticed it until now.

“And your husband’s death left you with a terrible fortune,” Uncle Max nudged her.

“Oh, Max, you really are a beast,” and she nudged him right back.

“You and Georg are like family,” Uncle Max assured her “That’s why I want to see you two married. We must keep all that lovely money in the family.”

I was about to interject on their conversation, but I heard someone in the garden on the other side of the terrace. My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when I saw who it was. His grey uniform was covered in dirt. His hair was mussed and caked with dry blood. His cheeks were bloated, his skin was sallow, and his eyes white and lifeless things. Folk, this guy was a motherfucking zombie. He’d been tossing pebbles up at Liesl’s window.

“What are you doing there?” demanded Captain Daddy. No one had noticed him coming out of the house, since we were all too astounded at the fact a zombie suddenly appeared in this musical.

“Oh, Captain von Trapp!” said the zombie. He turned his face to us, and it was then I recognized him as that sympathizer, Rolf, I’d killed some weeks back for cruising Liesl. “I was just looking for … I didn’t see, I mean, I didn’t know you were--Heil Hitler!”

Before he could utter another word, I was on him. Rolf screamed like a little bitch, but that didn’t stop me from slicing his head completely off. I then took out one of my semi-automatics and plugged him with three bullets in the chest. That ought to do it. I noticed a small envelope clutched in his hands. I grabbed it and read the front.

“Who was that?” asked Captain Daddy.

“Some asshole you don’t need to worry about,” I handed over the telegram. “He had this for Uncle Max.”

“Me?” Uncle Max stepped forward and took the telegram from Captain Daddy. “Georg, don’t look so upset.”

“Well, he did just have a zombie in his back garden,” I pointed out.

“He was just a boy,” said Uncle Max.

“An undead boy,” I said.

“Yes,” said Captain Daddy. “And I’m just an Austrian.”

“Oh, this is about the Nazi thing,” I said. “That too!”

“Things will happen,” Uncle Max was now more focused on his telegram than the conversation. “Just make sure they don’t happen to you.”

“Max!” Captain Daddy’s eyes flashed. I thought he might swing at Uncle Max. I really did. “Don’t you ever say that again!”

“I have no political conviction,” Uncle Max winced a little. “Can I help it if other people do?”

“You can help it!” I swear, Captain Daddy was about ready to jump Uncle Max, which was turning me the fuck on. “You must help it!” Captain Daddy turned away from the conversation. He stood by the banister looking out on the lake once more.

“Hello?” the Baroness came up alongside of him. “You’re far away. Where are you?”

“In a world that’s disappearing, I’m afraid,” said Captain Daddy.

“Is there a way I can bring you back to the world I’m in?” she asked.

“Father! Father!” Voices called out from the lake.

“There’s your father!” I heard Maria shout from the boat the Baroness had spied earlier. “Oh, Captain, you’re home!” The boat was much closer to the shore now. In their excitement, all of the children and Maria stood up at once. The boat swung from the eight bodies fighting for balance. Maria flew over backwards, and the children fell forward into the water.

“Come out of that water at once!” Captain Daddy demanded. His children swam to shore.

“Oh, you must be Baroness Schraeder!” Maria stumbled onto the shore, all smiled and clumsiness.

“I’m soaked to the skin!” Louisa said and pulled herself out of the water.

“Straight line!” Captain Daddy barked. While the children did get in lone, you could tell they were no longer affected by their father’s commanding tone. Once they were all situated, he marched in front of them. He pulled the sopping kerchief off of Louisa’s head and continued down the line. “This is Baroness Schraeder. And these … are my children.”

“How do you do?” the Baroness was all class. I noticed the briefest of glances exchanged between her and the eldest von Trapp.

“Go inside, dry off, clean up, change your clothes, and report back here!” Captain Daddy ordered. The children scampered into the house to change. “Fraulein, you will stay here, please.”

“I think I’d better go see what Max is up to,” said the Baroness. I wasn’t sure it was Max she was interested in finding. She vanished in a cloud of grace.

“Now, Fraulein,” Captain Daddy looked Maria in the eye. “I want a truthful answer.”

“Yes, Captain,” she said.

“Is it possible, or could I have just imagined it,” he was building up to his point. “Have my children, by chance, been climbing trees today?”

“Yes, Captain,” Maria was as matter-of-fact as she could be sopping wet in front of the man of my dreams. Her dreams--our dreams.

“I see,” Captain Daddy started to pace in front of her. He held out the dripping kerchief he’s taken from Louisa “And where, may I ask, did they get these ...?”

“Play clothes,” Maria explained.

“Is that what they are?” Captain Daddy raised his eyebrows. I leaned forward, listening intently.

“Wade and I made them,” Maria straightened her arms by her sides. “From the drapes that used to hang in my bedroom.”

“Drapes?” he looked at her with incredulity.

“They have plenty of wear left,” Maria said. “We’ve been everywhere in them.”

“Are you telling me that my children have been roaming about Salzburg dressed up in nothing but some old drapes?!” Captain Daddy threw the kerchief on the ground and glared at Maria.

“Mm-hmm,” Maria smiled right in his face. “And having a marvelous time!”

“They have uniforms,” Captain Daddy started pacing again.

“Straitjackets, if you’ll forgive me,” Maria looked down at her feet. I grabbed some popcorn out of thin air and shoveled a handful into my mouth. “They can’t be children if they have to worry about spoiling their precious clothes--”

“They don’t complain--”

“They don’t dare!” Maria said. “They love you too much--they fear you too much--”

“I won’t discuss my … children--”

“You’ve got to hear from someone,” Maria stepped toward him while he stepped away. “You’re never home!”

“I don’t want to hear anymore--”

“I know you don’t, but you’ve got to!” Maria paused. Captain Daddy looked deep into her eyes. I shoveled more popcorn into my gourd. “Liesl’s not a child.”

“Not one more about … Liesl.”

“Soon she’ll be a woman, and you won’t even know her!” Maria wasn’t stopping. “Friedrich wants to be a man, but you’re not here to show--”

“Don’t you dare tell me--”

“Brigitta could tell you about him,” Maria ignored Captain Daddy’s protests. I was almost out of popcorn. “She notices everything. Kurt acts tough to hide the pain when you ignore him--the way you do all of them! Louisa, I don’t know about yet, and the little ones just want to be loved. Please, love them all!”

“I don’t care to hear more!’ Captain Daddy insisted.

“I’m not finished yet, Captain!”

“Oh, yes you are, Captain!” he sputtered.

“Oooooooooo!” I said from my perch on the banister. They didn’t take their eyes off of each other. I could feel the passion roaring between them. I couldn’t help myself. I reached out my arms and smooshed their faces together. “Now, kiss.” And they kissed. And it was hawt. Like, ass grabbing, hair tousling, hawt Only, you know, the Catholic version of that.

“Fraulein,” Captain Daddy took a step back. “Now, you will pack your things this minute and return to the abbey.”

“WHAT? After THAT kiss!” I shouted, but was ignored, as usual.

“What’s that?” Captain Daddy cocked his head and listened to the sound coming from inside of the house.

“It’s singing,” Maria completely deflated, defeated after being told to leave.

“Yes, I realize it’s singing,” Captain Daddy was being sassy. “But WHO is singing?”

“The children,” said Maria.

“The children?” Captain Daddy repeated.

“The children,” I said so I wouldn’t feel left out.

“I taught them something to sing for the Baroness,” said Maria.

Captain Daddy wasn’t listening to her anymore. He was headed into the house. Maria and I followed him into one of the downstairs sitting rooms. The Baroness and Uncle Max sat on a sofa, and the children stood gathered in front of them. Liesl strummed Maria’s guitar, and they all wore solemn expressions. They were singing the same some Maria sang when I first met her up on that hill. Captain Daddy knew the song too. I knew this, because he started to sing along.

“To sing through the night, Captain Daddy strode into the room at full volume. “Like a lark who is learning to pray. I go to the hills when my heart is lonely.” The children paused, shocked. “I know I will hear what I’ve heard before.” In another spark of movie magic, the children knew how to backup their father’s solo, and did so very well. “My heart will be blessed with the sound of music, and I’ll sing once more.”

After a moment of stunned silence, Captain Daddy held his arms out ot his children. They giggled, nervously at first, but then sure that this wasn't’ some cruel trick it turned genuine and relaxed. Their father was, indeed, huggling them. And your old pal Deadpool here was quickly going through a box of tissues.

Gretl pulled herself away from the group after many hugs. She wandered over to the Baroness. She curtsied, politely. She looked like an Austrian Shirley Temple. Gretl tossed one of her dollies into the air, somersaulted backwards, and let one of her swords fly. It pinned the dolly to the wall just behind where the Baroness sat. It was a clear message from the littlest von Trapp.

“You never told me how enchanting your children are,” the Baroness losing not a bit of her class. Captain Daddy didn’t seem to notice. At least, he didn't notice the Baroness in that moment, so I sand down on the sofa between her and Uncle Max. I wrapped my arms around both of them. It was nice and cozy. Captain Daddy spotted Maria trying to escape up the stairs without being noticed.

“Don’t go away,” Captain Daddy patted their heads and hurried out to the hall. “Fraulein, I … behaved badly. I apologize.”

“I’m far too outspoken,” Maria leaned on the banister halfway up the stairs. “It’s one of my worst faults.”

“You were right,” Captain Daddy said. “I don’t know my children.”

“There’s still time, Captain,” Maria said. “They want so much to be close to you.”

“And you brought music back into the house,” Captain Daddy slightly shook his head. “I’d forgotten. Fraulein, I want you to stay. I … ask you to stay.” Tears welled up in my eyes.

“If I could be of any help,” Maria said, half in shock of this change in Captain Daddy.

“You have already,” he said. “More than you know.”

I pulled out another box of tissues and blew my nose so the whole house could hear it. I am such a sap for scenes like these. I offered a tissue to the Baroness and Uncle Max, but they weren’t interested. They didn’t even seem moved. Well, the Baroness looked a little moved, but not in the same way I was. I rubbed my shoulder up against hers.

“What’s the matter, gorgeous?”

She smiled, and I felt like I’d won. “Nothing's the matter, Wade. You aren’t going to be a bad influence on me, are you?” She looked into my eyes. Then her eyes traveled back to the object of her affection. Not Captain Daddy, but his eldest daughter. “You and the governess seem to have this house under a spell.”

“Oh, it’s not magic. Except maybe movie magic,” I knew these words were only confusing her more. “Say, Liesl’s looking good in that dress, isn’t she?”

“All of Georg’s children are attractive,” the Baroness smiled back at me. I wasn’t fooled. Captain Daddy re-joined us in the sitting room while Maria hurried upstairs to clean herself up. I heard music swelling in my head, and I knew there was another song about to come on.


	8. The End of the Beginning

A few days later we all decided that it was time for the whole family to go on an adventure together. Captain Daddy, the children, Maria, the Baroness, Uncle Max, and your truly all donned our hiking gear and trod up our favorite mountain. The sky was a clear, crystal blue. The children chatted as they set up targets along the hillside for our afternoon’s practice session. 

Kurt set up a couple of simple folding chairs with cloth seats and backs for the Baroness and Uncle Max. Captain Daddy laid out a blanket and unpacked the food with Maria. Once everything was ready we feasted on cold chicken and cheese and pickled vegetables. Movie musical food tasted fucking fantastic. After lunch, I got the children in line. Then the music started. 

“High on a hill was a lonely goatherd,” Maria sang from one end of the line. Her voice rang out across the hills. 

Kurt burst from his spot in line with a, “Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!”

“Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd,” Maria waved her hands like a puppeteer working marionettes. 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Kurt smashed his naked fists into the face of the first goat shaped target to my utmost delight. It was a Nazi goat with a swastika in its wool. 

Next it was my turn to sing. “Folks in a town that was quite remote heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” Brigitta and Louisa sashayed passed Kurt. Friedrich joined his brother, and the four of them ran in formation. 

I thrust my pelvis into every other word of the next line, “Lusty and clear from the goatherd’s throat heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Louisa ducked, drew one of her swords around her open flank, and sliced the legs out from the target in front of her. Friedrich leapfrogged over her and the target, pulled a pistol from his hip, and shot the next target in the chest. Brigitta and Kurt ran on. “Oh-ho layee-odl-lay-ho oh-ho layee-odl-lay,” the four of them sang. Brigitta threw grenades at the groups of targets on their left flank which exploded in time with the music and everything. “Oh-ho layee-odl-lay ho, layee-odl-lay oh-lay!” 

“Marta! Marta!” which was my signal to begin the second phase of the attack. 

Maria also shouted down the line, “Gretl, the prince!” Marta and Gretl sprinted down the field at opposite sides. Maria kept her distance from the children and surveyed the mock battlefield. Then she called out, “A prince on the bridge of a castle moat heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” Marta and Gretl ran through the remains of the grenaded targets. 

I spied something moving just beyond the two girls, and called out, “Men on the road with a load to tote heard!”

Each had an unexpected target pop up. Marta dealt with hers my launching herself at it feet first Once she had it on the ground, she gave its head a swift kick, and broke its neck. Gretl dealt with hers using a single stroke from one of her katanas. The top two inches of the Nazi goat target spun off of its head, and its hay-for-brains spewed everywhere. “Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” 

Maria turned to the other side of the field. “Men in the midst of a table d’hote heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” Kurt came up alongside Brigitta. They drew their swords in unison and swung them in synchronized figure eights. They diced through four, eight, twelve--sixteen targets. Man, these kids were getting good.

“Men drinking beer with the foam afloat heard!” I ran down the field and took up a new position. 

The children regrouped and continued down the field. “Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” During the musical break Louisa and Friedrich sprinted ahead of their siblings. Targets popped out of the grass left and right. Some of them moving. Friedrich pulled out his pistols and began firing at them. Those he missed, Louisa took down with grace, spinning with her swords through the air. 

“One little girl in a pale pink coat heard!” Gretl called out from her spot just beyond the grenaded targets.

I sprinted after her, “Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” 

“She yodeled back from the lonely goatherd!” Marta called out from the other side of the field. 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Maria saw a lot of movement up ahead, so she moved forward with caution to try and get a better look. “Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay hee-hoo!” I pulled two huge guns out of their leg holsters and used them on a flood of targets which popped up in front of the children. 

“What a duet for a girl and goatherd!” Maria slowed, maintaining her distance from the group. 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Marta and Gretl continued down the field. 

“Mm-hm-hm-mm, odl-lay-hee. Odl-lay hee-hee! Odl-lay-hee!” I joined the main group of children, and we continued to provide support for the two little ones. There was much gleeful carnage. My darkest of hearts couldn’t handle it. Speaking of which, how are you doing, Yellow? I almost punched myself in the face again. Ah, I was ready for me that time, buddy! “Ah-ha-ha-ha, layee-odl-lay-ho layee-odl-lay-ho layee-odl-lay! Ah-ha-ha-ha, layee-odl-lay-ho, layee-odl-lay oh-lay!” 

“One little girl in a pale pink coat heard!” I sang to the girls at the front. 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay woo-woo!” Marta moved toward the center of the field. 

“She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd!” I sang out again. 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Gretl joined her sister and they ran together. Targets fell all around them, but they remained ever focused on their mission. 

Then Maria sang from the back of the line, “Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay woo-woo!” Brigitta and Louisa pushed out of the main group, clomped over piles of fragmented targets, and took out the new ones that popped up along the way. 

“What a duet for a girl and goatherd!” Maria sang. 

Kurt and Friedrich pushed out next. If there were any targets left by their sisters, they were easily dealt with by the boys. “Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” 

“Happy are they! Layee-odl-layee-lee-oh,” Gretl and Marta sang together. They held hands as they approached the final target. It was a vicious looking goat with enormous horns, black eyes, and the most pathetic excuse for a mustache. Just as they were about to jump, fifteen new targets popped up in front of goat-Hitler. Fucking goat-Nazis. Gretl smiled at her sister and they sliced into their enemies. “Odl-layee-odl-layee-layee hee-hoo!” 

I was so pumped about how this session was going, I nearly came when I sang, “Soon the duet will become a trio!” 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-loo!” Liesl appeared out of nowhere behind goat-Hitler. She shoved her gun in his mouth, kissed him on the cheek, and she pulled the trigger. Hay, that I imagined was blood and gore, blew everywhere like confetti. 

“Odl-layee!” this was Maria’s signal that the mission was completed. 

“Odl-layee!” the children finished up their jobs with the last remaining targets. 

“Odl-layee!” Maria repeated, the signal for the all clear. 

“Odl-layee!” the children all turned back to the start of the course. 

“Odl-lay hee-hee!” I shouted and skipped merrily back with them. 

“Odl-lay hee!” Maria spun around when we rejoined her, and she lead the way back to our picnic. “Odl-layee-odl-lay!” 

“Odl-layee-odl-lay!” the children sang, and linked arms with each other. 

“Odl-layee-odl-lay!” Maria and I sang, and we too linked arms. 

“Odl-layee-odl-lay!” Louisa noticed a misfired target launch up. She spun herself over to it, and pummeled it with her bare hands. 

“Odl-layee-odl-lay!” Everyone spread out into hero running formation.

“Odl-layee-odl-lay!” We sprinted for the finish line! 

“Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay!” Maria sang this last line. We all jumped at once! “Woo!” We landed in same spots we started in. We saluted Captain Daddy, the Baroness, and Uncle Max then collapsed into a fun-pile of laughter. 

“Bravo!” our audience shouted and applauded. 

“Wonderful!” said Uncle Max. He gave us a standing ovation. 

“Can we keep the new arsenal, Deadpool?” Marta pulled on my utility belt. I picked her up and held her on my hip. 

“Yes, can we?” asked Kurt. 

“Of course you can, you scamps,” I said. “Thanks to movie magic, it didn’t cost me a thing!” 

“Well done, Deadpool,” Captain Daddy said to me. I swooned into Kurt’s arms without dropping Marta, and the children chuckled. “And you, Fraulein. I really am very much impressed.” 

“They’re your children, Captain,” Maria shrugged and had a goofy smile on her face. 

“My dear,” said the Baroness. “Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Well, I’m not sure I’ll make a good nun,” she answered. 

“If you have any problems,” the Baroness looked away from Maria. “I’d be happy to help you.” 

[[What? Nothing to add?]]

No. Else is perfect.

[[You are such a stereotype.]]

She belongs to another already. I watched the Baroness oggle the oldest von Trapp child. 

“Attention, everyone!” Uncle Max clapped his hands and we all settled down to listen to his news. “I have an announcement to make. Surprise, surprise! Today, after a long and desperate search, I have found a most exciting entry for the Salzburg Folk Festival.” 

“Congratulations, Max,” the smirk on Captain Daddy’s face made me just want to eat him up. “And who will you be exploiting this time?”

“The Saint Ignatius Choir,” said the Baroness.

“Guess again,” Uncle Max said with a sly expression on his face. 

“Well, let’s see now,” Captain Daddy tapped his chin. “The Klopmann Choir?”

“No, no, no, no,” Uncle Max had a good laugh. 

“Tell us,” Liesl put a hand on his forearm. 

“A singing group all in one family,” said Uncle Max. “You’ll never guess, Georg.” 

“What a charming idea!” said Captain Daddy. The children whispered amongst themselves. “Whose family?”

“Yours,” Uncle Max said, completely serious. “They’ll be the talk of the festival!” 

Captain Daddy burst out laughing. So much so, he rolled off of the picnic blanket and onto his feet. 

“Well, now, what’s so funny?” Uncle Max ruffled, indignant. 

“You are, Max,” Captain Daddy patted him on the cheek. “Expensive, but very funny.” 

“They’ll be a sensation!” Uncle Max insisted. 

“No, Max!”

The children groaned. 

“Yeah,” I said. “I call bullshit on that, Captain Daddy.” 

“It’s a wonderful idea,” Uncle Max continued. “Fresh, original--”

“Max! My children do not sing. In. Public!” said Captain Daddy, closing the subject. 

“You can’t blame me for trying,” Uncle Max shrugged his shoulders. 

“Children, who shall we hear from next?” Maria picked up her guitar.

The children huddled together. Liesl immediately suggested Captain Daddy sing. “HELL to the YES!” I said, and the other children agreed.

“The vote is unanimous,” Maria held the guitar out to Captain Daddy. “You, Captain.” 

“Me?” Captain Daddy chuckled. “I don’t understand.” 

“Please,” Maria insisted. 

Captain Daddy caught Liesl’s eye. He smirked. “No, no, no, no.” 

“I’m told that you were quite good,” Maria went on. 

“That was a very, very, very long time ago,” Captain Daddy continued to shake his head. 

“I remember, Father,” Liesl gave him that smile. 

“Play us something we know,” Friedrich nodded. 

“Oh, please, Father,” said Gretl. No one could resist Gretl. No one. 

“Well,” he already knew the battle was over. He took the guitar from Maria. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” the Baroness leaned into Uncle Max’s ear. 

“What?” he asked. 

“To bring my harmonica,” she paused and considered. “Or my rapier for that matter.” 

“You fence?” the saliva in my mouth pooled. “Oh, the pictures going through my mind right now.” 

“Edelweiss, edelweiss,” Captain Daddy sang. My brain stalled. I was nearing sensory overload from all the sexy. “Every morning you greet me.” 

“Care to show me what you’ve got?” I asked the Baroness. 

She eyed my katanas. “I’m not accustomed to such a crude instrument.” 

“CRUDE?!” I huffed like a spikey potato. “How RUDE!” 

“Small and white, clean and bright,” Captain Daddy was losing himself in his song. “You look happy to meet me!” 

“I’ll have you know that Bea and Arthur are highly refined tools of my craft!” I folded my arms. 

“I’m sure they are, dear.” 

“Don’t you dare ‘dear,’ a female deer me!” I plunged my hand into my utility bag and pulled out a rapier with a gold hilt that looked like lace. She caught it. She didn't seem surprised by its sudden appearance from my magic bag. Then again, she never seemed surprised. She was too damned cool. “Challenge accepted.” 

“Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow!” Captain Daddy and the others ignored us for the most part. “Bloom and grow forever!” The Baroness buckled the rapier around her waist and followed me into the field behind Captain Daddy. She drew her pointy needle, and I my flat, pliable blades. Ready. “Edelweiss, edelweiss. Bless my homeland forever!”

We circled each other in the field, waiting to see who would make the first move. I would, of course, since I don’t usually have such a great attention span. I jabbed at the Baroness with one of my katanas. She flicked it away with ease. 

“Edelweiss, edelweiss,” Liesl now joined Captain Daddy in harmony. “Every morning you greet me.” 

The Baroness ducked under my swipe at her head. She took a step under my right arm and tried to knock me off balance with her shoulder. I was prepared for this, and I turned in time for her rapier to come up in front of me. I pushed it away with my katanas, but she kept bringing it right back up in my face. 

“Small and white, clean and bright. You look happy to meet me!” 

I saw a wicked grin flash across her face. Before I knew it, her blade cut into the side of my cheek. I touched my fingers to the blood. Her grin grew wider. I brought both of my swords around in a full-on attack. She wanted to play games with Deadpool? Deadpool will play games! 

“Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow! Bloom and grow forever!” 

Our three swords slammed together. She swung them around in three lightning fast motions, and Bea and Arthur did something they’ve NEVER done before. They flew out of my hands. I was expecting some form of comeback from the boxes in my head, but they’d gone quiet. I fell to my knees in shock and disbelief. I looked up at the Baroness. She had her rapier pointed at my face. I had the biggest boner. I wondered if she saw, because she smirked at me again. 

“Edelweiss, edelweiss. Bless my homeland forever.” Captain Daddy and Liesl finished the song, and everyone applauded once more. The Baroness and I rejoined the group. She sheathed the rapier with no intention of giving it back to me. 

“Anytime you say the word, Georg,” Uncle Max said. “You can be part of my new act: The von Trapp Family Singers.” 

“I have a wonderful idea, Georg,” the Baroness interrupted. “Let’s really fill your house with music. You must give a grand and glorious party for me!”

“A party?” Captain Daddy cocked his head, as if the idea of a party was completely foreign to him. 

“Yes, Father, please!” said Brigitta. 

“It’s high time I met all of your friends,” said the Baroness. “And they met me. Don’t you agree?”

“I see what you mean,” Captain Daddy nodded.

“Oh, please!’ said Louisa.

“Children,” said Captain Daddy. He took a deep breath. ‘It’s time to pack up our things and climb down.” 

The children groaned but did what they were told. It didn’t take us long to get everything packed up and down the mountain. On our way, I saw Gretl take her father’s hand. He looked down into her eyes and she said, “It’ll be my first party, Father!” It was then I knew the party was on for certain. 

What I didn’t know for certain was if this whole fantasy would continue. Up until this point, your old pal Deadpool here has been living the motion picture, “The Sound of Music” as he remembers it … with a little plus here and there. The only time I’ve seen the movie was as a child. It was on two VHS tapes. And this scene marked the end of the first tape. It might mean nothing. If I think about this too much, I’m going to freak out. Okay. Do your pal a favor, nerds. Stop reading this chapter and start the next one already.


	9. Having a Ball

And with the turn of a page, weeks pass. Yes, Captain Daddy couldn’t resist fulfilling one of Gretl’s desires. Though the party was officially in honor of the Baroness, everyone knew Daddy’s little girl was the star. Captain Daddy and the Baroness stood in the grand entry of the house and greeted guests as they came in. They exchanged kisses and shakes of the hand. Then I heard a voice that sounded like crunching aluminum. 

“Captain,” said the metal voice.

“Herr Zeller,” Captain Daddy nodded at the man and introduced him to the Baroness. 

“Good evening, Herr Zeller,” the Baroness shook his hand. And he continued into the party. 

I followed him whole Captain Daddy and the Baroness continued to welcome guests. It was the way Captain Daddy said his name that I should be very concerned with this fucker. Then I saw him pull aside another guest. 

“Did you notice the obvious display of the Austrian flag?” Herr Zeller asked. This confirmed all of my suspicions. Nazi. I crept up to them and marked them as targets. 

The small orchestra Captain Daddy hired for the party struck up a waltz that just wouldn’t allow my feet to stand still. I left the Nazi-shitheads to deal with later. Now was for dancing. I swept Gretl off of her tiny, little feet, and we bobbed our way across the once forbidden ballroom. She was dressed in a simple, white party dress. Her katanas, still fixed to her back, had edelweiss decorating the hilts. When the waltz was over we wandered out onto the back terrace with the other children to watch the adults dance some more. There air outside was still, but it was also much cooler than the air inside. 

“The women look so beautiful,” Brigitta sighed, taking in the swirls of dresses passing by the windows.

“I think they look ugly,” said Kurt, his face sour.

“You’re just scared of them,” Louisa poked her brother in the ribs. 

“Silly, only grown-up men are afraid of women,” Kurt stuck out his tongue.

“Just imagine them naked, Kurt,” I said. The children giggled.

“I think the men look beautiful,” said Gretl. 

“Yeah!” I held up my hand for a high five. She slapped it with hers. 

“How would you know?” Louisa asked me. 

“Believe me, Louisa,” I poked my tongue into the side of my cheek several times. “I know.” All the children made grossed out noises, and I joined them until we all fell into laughter. Kids are great. Liesl’s mind wandered off into la-la land, and she started dancing on her own. 

Brigitta noticed and watched for a moment. Then she finally asked, “Liesl, who are you dancing with?”

“Nobody,” Liesl said absentmindedly.

“Oh, yes, you are!” Brigitta grinned. Friedrich ran up to Liesl and bowed.

“May I have this dance?” he asked.

“I’d be delighted, young man,” she fell into a curtsy. They grasped each other in a light, polite hold and pranced back and forth. They were unsure of what they were really doing. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you could dance?” Maria stepped out of the ballroom and onto the terrace. 

“We thought you’d make us all dance together,” Kurt spun in place. “The von Trapp Family Dancers!” The music changed. Kurt cocked his head. “What are they playing?” 

“It’s the Laendler,” said Maria. “An Austrian folk dance.”

“Show me,” Kurt held up his arms to her. 

“I haven’t danced it since I was a little girl,” Maria laughed. 

“You remember,” Kurt begged. “Please?”

“Well--”

“Please,” the kid was practically on his knees. Maria’s eyes met mine. I nodded encouragingly. 

“Alright,” she sighed. “Come over here.” She led him out to the center of the terrace. They stood in front of each other. Thanks to movie magic, the music was just coming around again to the beginning. “Now, you bow, and I curtsy.” 

“Like this?” Kurt asked and gave an overly stiff bow.

“Fine,” Maria said. “Now we go for a little walk.” They walked a few steps, then turned to face each other and away again. They took a few more steps, “One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three, step together. Now, step hop, step hop. Now turn under.” With hands joined, Maria tried to get the too short Kurt to do the dance move with her. It just didn’t work. “Not quite,” she said, and continued to show him more steps. “This way. Now step hop, step hop, and under.” It was even more of a struggle the second time. She laughed and said, “Kurt, we’ll have to practice.” 

Unbeknownst to Maria, Captain Daddy snuck onto the scene. He watched Maria try to teach his son the complex dance which he knew very well. He tapped his son on the shoulder. “Do allow me, will you?” He gave Maria a dashing smile that made my knees turn to jello. 

Captain Daddy took Maria in his arms, and I audibly squealed, to the amusement of the little ones. We watched as the music started all over again, just for them. They floated over the terrace like they were made from the music themselves. The correctly performed under arm dance move was an inward spin of both dancers with hands joined. It looked fun. 

The music got a little tame. More serious. Captain Daddy looked into Maria’s eyes, then away from her. He clapped his hands as she swished her dress around him. Then he walked away from her. She reached out for him. He took her hand and she danced around in front of him. One thing was clear, these two were meant to be. The look on the Baroness’ face confirmed this to me when I saw her step out onto the terrace. 

I couldn’t let an opportunity like this pass me by. I held out my hand to the Baroness. She took it, and then I grabbed Liesl’s. I joined the two and pushed them out onto the dance floor. Liesl bowed and the Baroness curtsied as the dance began once more. When we got to the serious part of the music again, Liesl looked deep into the Baroness’ eyes. Captain Daddy looked into Maria’s. Maria blushed, hardcore. She backed away from Captain Daddy.

“I don’t remember anymore,” Maria lied. She bumped into Liesl and the Baroness, breaking them apart. 

“Your face is all red,” said Brigitta.

“Is it?” Maria put her hands up to her face. “I don’t suppose I am used to dancing.” 

“Why, that was beautifully done,” the Baroness looked from Maria to Captain Daddy. “What a lovely couple you make.” 

Maria blushed even harder, and her expression was a bit ashamed. Damned Catholics. “It’s time the children said goodnight.” 

“Aw! Already?!” I whined. 

“We’ll be in the hall,” Maria shooed the children back into the house. “We have something special prepared.” 

“Right!” Kurt leaped toward the entry hall.

“Yes, come on!” Marta encouraged the others. 

“All that needless worrying, Georg,” the Baroness took Captain Daddy’s arm and they strolled in after Maria and the children. “You thought you wouldn’t find a friend at the party.” 

Captain Daddy stiffened. No, not THAT kind of stiffening. Get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty nerds. This isn’t a porn fic. Yet. 

“A bit chilly out tonight,” Captain Daddy said. “Isn’t it?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the Baroness gave him a knowing smile. “It seemed rather warm to me.” 

The children assembled on the grand staircase. A few of the orchestra members set up to one side. When Maria saw Captain Daddy and the Baroness enter, she addressed the whole party. “Ladies and gentlemen, the children of Captain von Trapp wish to say goodnight to you.” 

I thumbs up the children. They were ready, and tonight would be their ultimate first test. The musicians started a new tune. One which the children and I sang along to. The happy music of bloodshed. 

“There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall, and the bells in the steeple, too,” sang the children. They were all sweet in their pastel party clothes. “And up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say ‘coo-coo!’”

“Coo-coo!” the littlest ones echoed, popping out from behind their older siblings. “Coo-coo!” 

“Regretfully, they tell us, but firmly they compel us to say ‘goodbye’ to you!” The children formed a line, but it was not their usual ordering. I wondered if the chaos would annoy Captain Daddy. “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night!” 

“I hate to go and leave this pretty sight,” Marta skipped and danced in front of the line of children. Out of nowhere she produced daggers. They flew from her hands and they sunk into her target’s throat, one of the Nazi fucks I had marked earlier. The man fell to his knees, dead. Marta scampered up to the top of the grand staircase. 

“So long, farewell,” all the remaining children moved down a space in line. “Auf wiedersehen, adieu!” 

“Adieu, adieu,” Friedrich stepped forward, pulled out his pistols, and shot three other marks. “To you, and you, and you!” He followed Marta up the stairs. The crowd began to stir. The Nazis were figuring out this game.

“So long, farewell,” the children moved down another spot. “Au revior, auf wiedersehen!”

“I’d like to stay,” Liesl ran up to Captain Daddy. “And taste my first champagne. Yes?”

“No!” said Captain Daddy.

“That wasn’t part of the plan, Liesl!” I barked. She spun around, landed a punch on the nose of a marked woman dressed in black and gold. When the woman was on the ground, Liesl jumped on top of her. She put her knees on the woman’s chest and pounded her fist into the woman’s face until a fine pink spray covered everything. 

“So long, farewell,” all the children sang. Except Liesl, who continued to work on her Nazi. Sexual frustration is a bitch, kids. “Auf wiedersehen, goodbye!” 

“I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye!” Kurt took a deep breath and stepped forward. Armed with a sonic device I had given him, he projected his voice at his mark. “Goodbye!” It was that Nazi fuck, Herr Zeller. He covered his ears with his hands, but his ear drums were already damaged and blood seeped through his fingers. 

Herr Zeller reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out a gun, and aimed it directly at Kurt. I moved to intervene, but it was too late. Herr Zeller fired. The bullet sank into the center of Kurt’s forehead. The music stopped. Kurt crumbled to the floor, and everything just stood there. A quiet rage grew within me. 

I jumped up to the top of the staircase. The guests were clearing away. Some leaving through the front door behind me, but I didn’t care anymore. The children were stunned into stillness. Herr Zeller stood in the center of the entryway all calm confidence. Who did this guy think he was? ME?! I pulled out my biggest, baddest gun. By the time it was out, he was gone. Vanished. 

“Oh, what the actual fuck?”

Captain Daddy and Maria crouched over Kurt’s lifeless body. Maria took him in her arms. She rocked him as tears ran down her cheeks. Even Captain Daddy shed a tear for his lost boy. Maria looked up into Captain Daddy’s eyes. The emotion was too much for her. She shifted the boy into his father’s arms and ran up to her room. The guests were leaving now in droves. The children huddled around their father, unsure of what to do. 

“Extraordinary,” said Uncle Max, completely oblivious. “What they’d do at the festival!” 

“Now’s not the time, Max!” I blasted him, but then what he’d said had given me an idea. One I put aside until later, because Herr Zeller reappeared. 

“Captain,” he stepped out in front of the weeping Captain Daddy. “You must be very proud of your youngsters.” 

“I am,” Captain Daddy looked down at his son. “I was. Is there a more beautiful expression of what is good in our country than the innocent voices of our children?”

“Oh, come now, baron,” said Herr Zeller. Were he not so close to Captain Daddy and the Baroness, I’d have shot him with my big gun by now. “Would you have us believe that Austria hold the monopoly on virtue?”

“Herr Zeller,” Captain Daddy towered over the Nazi-shithead. “Some of us prefer Austrian voices raised in song to ugly German threats!”

“The ostrich buries his head in the sand,” Herr Zeller shrugged. “And sometimes in the flag. Perhaps those who would warn you that the Anschluss is coming--and it is--would get further with you by setting their words to music. Or do more of your children have to die?”

Captain Daddy swung his fist at Herr Zeller. It went through him like mist. What the fuck was going on here? “If the Nazis take over Austria,” Captain Daddy spat. “You will be the entire trumpet section!” 

“You flatter me,” Herr Zeller smiled. 

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” a darkness come over Captain Daddy’s eyes. “I meant to accuse you.” 

It was at that moment I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I ignored it, but it persisted. Then I heard my name. “Not now, Pete--PETEY?!” I grabbed the kid in red and blue spandex. I put his head into a hold he couldn’t break, and I proceeded to give him an affectionate noogie. “What the hell are YOU doing here? You’re kinda interrupting.” 

“Wade, it’s all gone wrong!” said Peter Parker, my best friend and sometime OTP. “The machine is malfunctioning. You’re--” 

I put my hand over his mouth. “Can it, Spidey. I don’t want to know.” 

“What?” He pulled my hand away. “Your brain is--”

I covered his mouth again. “Shut the fuck up, Mister Amazing, or I’ll have to MAKE you shut up. I don’t want to know why I am caught in this strange and wonderful world. I want to see this through to the end. And I’m not going to let you fuck it up. Got it?”

“But, Wade--!” 

“Do you really want me to unzip right here, in front of the whole family and Nazi-shitheads, and make it so you can’t talk at all?” I gave him my most serious face. He shook his head. “Are you sure? Cuz I kinda want it now that I mention it.” I know you want it too, you thirsty nerds. Patience. Hey, don’t yell at me! Okay, fine, yell at me. Watch me shake my ass at you, because you can’t touch this. Are you watching, nerds? Huh?

“What are you doing, Wade?” Pete asked, but I knew he wouldn’t understand so I just gave him another noogie. I was definitely glad to see the kid. 

The entry hall was cleared out. Herr Zeller was gone. “FUCK! He got away!” 

“Who got away?” Pete asked.

“The Nazi-shithead who just killed Kurt,” I said. “You’ve seen ‘The Sound of Music,’ right?”

“Heh, no,” Petey laughed and scratched the back of his head. 

I glared at him. “You had a sad childhood.”

“I did, in fact,” said Petey. Of course, I knew he had, but it was still unacceptable that he hadn’t seen “The Sound of Music” at least once. “I’m sorry I don’t measure up to your standards, Wade.” 

“Oh, don’t be like that,” I said. “You’re making me feel like an asshole.” 

“You ARE an asshole,” said Petey. 

I sighed. How did we get this far off track? Right, Peter Parker here doesn’t know his Julie Andrews. “Well, there is not time like the present.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs to Maria’s room. I opened the door to find Maria and the Baroness packing Maria’s things. Oh boy. 

“It’s very kid of you to offer to help me, Baroness,” said Maria. “I--I just can’t stay.” 

“Oh, but things have become so cozy!” the Baroness gave me a wink. “I wouldn’t dream of having you leave us. Come on. Let’s get you changed and back downstairs. Georg will be needing you.” 

“I really don’t think I have anything that would be appropriate,” said Maria. 

“Yeah. What does one wear that says, ‘I’m sorry your son just died?’” I snickered. 

“Who are these people?” Petey asked.

“Shhh,” I covered his mouth with my hand.

“Now where is that lovely little thing you were wearing the other evening?” the Baroness pulled open the closet door. “When the captain couldn’t take his eyes off of you.” 

“Couldn’t keep his eyes off me?” Maria startled out of herself. 

“Come, my dear,” the Baroness gave Maria a warm, genuine smile. “We are women. Let’s not pretend we don’t know when a man notices us. Here we are,” she found the blue dress she was looking for. 

“The captain notices everybody.” 

“There’s no need to feel so defensive, Maria,” said the Baroness. She spread the dress out on the bed. “You are quite attractive, you know. The captain would hardly be a man if he didn’t notice you.” 

“Baroness, I hope you’re joking,” Maria looked down at her hands.

“Not at all!”

“I’ve never done a thing to--”

“You don’t have to, my dear,” the Baroness rested a hand on Maria’s shoulder. “Nothing is more irresistible to a man than a woman who’s in love with him.”

“In love with him?”

“Oh, God, Petey, wait til you get a load of this guy,” I said. “Complete dreamboat.” 

“Of course,” said the Baroness. “What makes it so nice is, I think he’s in love with you.” 

“But it’s not true!” Maria’s expression alarmed. 

“Surely, you’ve noticed the way he looks into your eyes,” said the Baroness. “And, you know, you blushed in his arms when you were dancing. Though, if you still have your mind set on being a nun, well, don’t take it to heart. He’ll get over it soon enough, I think. Men do, you know.” 

“Then I should go,” said Maria. “I mustn’t stay here.” 

The Baroness sighed. “Is there something I can do to help--?”

“No, nothing,” Maria paused. “Yes. Don’t say a word to the captain.” 

The Baroness looked like she wanted to continue arguing, but she stopped herself. She sighed again. “No, I wouldn’t dream of it. Goodbye, Maria.” The Baroness paused once on her way out of the room. “I’m sure you’ll make a fine nun.” 

“How much longer do I have to put up with you being like this?” Petey asked me. He tried and failed to pull himself away from my grasp. 

“What, you mean being sexy beyond all imagining?” I said. 

“You want things to be REAL between us,” said Petey. He looked me dead in the eye. “You spend all that time becoming my friend. You badger me until finally … finally I start to …” 

I rolled my eyes and backed him into the bedroom wall. I had to stop him. This subplot I had going on with Spidey was starting in the middle, and also interrupting the middle of the movie. I didn’t want to confuse you nerds anymore than I had to. “First thing I need you to hear from me, baby boy, is what I feel for you IS real.” I breathed into his neck. I could feel his muscles relax. “Second, I realize that we are somehow caught in this land of make believe. I have no idea how we got here. I don’t want to know yet. And third--probably most important is--we need to have a talk about us. Not now, but soon. About how I am, and how this is going to work if we become a thing.” 

“Aren’t we a thing?” Petey looked up into my eyes. I stiffened. Yes, that kind of stiffening. You knew it was coming. Petey knew it too. “Is that a katana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Did you just reference Mae West?” My eyes widened in pleasant surprise. “I’m impressed.” 

“What can I say?” Petey shrugged. “You’re rubbing off on me.” 

“Hah, not yet, I’m not,” I turned him around. I pulled off his Spidey suit and reached for my junk. “Give me a second, Petey. The nerds are still watching.” 

“Who?” He looked over his shoulder at me.

I slapped my dick on his ass and pressed up against him. Unfortunately, for you, this is all you get to see. Why? Because, as Spidey here so wisely observed, Deadpool is an asshole. And you’re just going to have to wait until the next chapter to get a load (or three) of this sexiness.


	10. Back in the Habit

Maria left that very night. Kurt was buried two days later in a large graveyard not too far away from the Abbey. The children didn’t see her, but Maria was there at the internment. She hid behind a tree. That was the last time I saw Maria for a week. Life back at the villa settled into a normal sort of boredom. With Kurt dead AND Maria gone, a permanent gloom pervaded. Even in the glorious summer heat.

The Baroness tried to amuse the children in ways Maria used to. By playing games with them and the like, but she was not very successful. I tried to continue their training, but they’d lost their enthusiasm for it. All except Gretl. She attacked her training with a renewed vigor.

The Baroness shined the most when it came to her swordplay. When I was finished putting the children through their paces each day, we fenced. Uncle Max watched us from a table set up under a tree in the garden. One of the maids brought out some iced drinks and set it up. The Baroness and I finished up our match. The children looked unimpressed. It was starting to get frustrating, being so underappreciated. 

“The country is so restful,” Uncle Max said. I threw myself into the chair next to him. “Have some lemonade.” He offered us both glasses.

“There must be an easier way,” the Baroness put her hands on her hips and gazed at the children. 

“I get a fiendish delight thinking of you as the mother of seven … six,” Uncle Max leaned back in his chair. “How do you plan to do it?”

“Darling, haven’t you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?” the Baroness grinned at Uncle Max.

He laughed. “Baroness Machiavelli.” 

“That was my original plan,” she leaned against the tree, though her eyes lingered on the children. On Liesl. 

“What changed?” I asked, knowing the answer. 

“I did not expect to love her,” she said to herself. Then she realized she’d spoken aloud. “Them.” 

“Ooh, listen to you getting all Freudian up in here!” 

Spidey-man lowered himself from the tree in the space between the Baroness and me. He was upside down. I can never take him seriously upside down. 

“Did you REALLY just say that?” Petey asked.

“You’re in no position to judge me,” I snickered. “Seriously, Petey. Do you wait upside down, so you can creep into situations like that?”

His eyes narrowed, but he said nothing. 

“Uncle Max?” Marta came up behind us, and surprised us all. “Where’s Father?”

“I think he’s in the house,” said Uncle Max, not missing a beat. “What’s the matter with you gloomy pusses?”

“Nothing,” said Marta. All of the children gathered around.

“I know,” said Uncle Max. He stood in front of them. “Let’s have a rehearsal.” 

“What for?” asked Louisa.

“Let’s make believe we’re on stage,” said Uncle Max. He was trying to be encouraging, but failing miserably. “At the festival!” 

“I don’t feel like singing,” said Brigitta.

“Not without Fraulein Maria,” Friedrich pushed his thumbs into his palms. “Or Kurt.” 

“Liesl, get the guitar,” Uncle Max urged. “Come on, Marta. Everybody into the group. Get in your places.” He was as successful at getting them in line as I have ever been at herding cats. “Now, be cheerful, right? Give us the key, Liesl.” Liesl strummed a chord. Each of the children lamely found their note. “Now, impress me.” Some of the children started to sing. Spidey lowered himself out of the tree and stood beside me.

“Doesn’t he get that they just lost their brother?” Petey asked.

“I don’t think THEY even get it,” I said. “Not really. Kurt doesn’t die in the movie.” 

“Oh,” Spidey shook his head. I could see the frustrate I was doing him. It pleased me. 

“What they’re ACTUALLY sad about is Fraulein Maria leaving,” I explained. 

“She’s their nanny?”

“More or less,” I nodded. “Now, shush, Captain Daddy is about to come out.” 

“Gretl, why don’t you sing?” asked Uncle Max.

“I can’t,” Gretl said. She flipped him the bird and stalked off. 

“She sang so beautifully the night of the party,” Uncle Max shook his head. “Come on, all of you. Try something you know! Enjoy it! Be cheerful!” 

“Max, how about you give the kids a break, huh?” I said. He rolled his eyes. 

“Alright, Liesl,” Uncle Max nodded, and she strummed the guitar. 

The children sang the joy filled words of the movie’s title song, but the sound was melancholy. Captain Daddy wandered onto the terrace. He saw us, smiled, and walked out to us. When Liesl saw him, she put the guitar down. 

“That’s lovely, lovely,” his smile was a mask. “Don’t stop.” 

All of the children started staring off in different directions. 

“Something long and cool, Georg?” The Baroness held out a glass of lemonade, but he didn’t take it. 

“No, thank you, darling,” he said. 

“I so don’t get the attraction,” Spidey looked Captain Daddy up and down. “He’s kinda old.” 

“I’m kinda old,” I said. 

“Yeah, but you’re Deadpool,” said Petey. Of course, he was right, but that didn’t mean I was wrong about Captain Daddy. 

“Father?” 

“Yes, Brigitta?” he looked down at his daughter. 

“Is it true Fraulein Maria isn’t coming back?” she frowned up at him. 

“Yes, I suppose it’s true,” he glanced at the glass the Baroness still held for him. “What have we got here?” 

“Pink lemonade,” said the Baroness. 

“Laced with lemonade,” added Uncle Max, and he took a gulp of his own. 

“I don’t believe it, father,” Liesl rested a hand on her father’s arm. 

“What?” he paused and considered the glass 

“About Fraulein Maria,” she said. 

“Oh, Fraulein Maria!” He said her name with such ease that it was clearly difficult. “Didn’t I tell you what her note said? I’m sure I did. She said she missed her life at the abbey. She had to leave us. And that’s all there is to it.” 

“You don’t have to lie to us,” I sneered at Captain Daddy. “We know there was no note.” 

“It’s probably not a good idea for you to keep influencing changes in the plot,” Petey said. “The more var-varian … variance--” 

His words trailed off as my fingers trailed down the zipper of my crotch. “Petey, shut up.” 

“I think I’m brave enough to try some of that!” For a split second, both you and I thought Captain Daddy meant my cock, but we both quickly realized he was still talking about the pink lemonade. Trust me, I am more disappointed than you are.

“She didn’t even say ‘goodbye,’” Marta sniffled. It wasn’t the same sound I heard her make at the dining room table when I first arrived. No, this was legit. It was breaking my already fragmented heart. 

“She did in her note.” Captain Daddy took the glass from the Baroness and brought it to his lips 

“That’s not the same thing,” said Louisa.

“Not too sweet, not too sour,” the Baroness smiled at him. 

“Just too pink,” said Uncle Max. 

“Can it, Maxie,” I hard-rolled my eyes. “We all know when the Germans roll in, you’ll be the first fitted with a pink triangle.” 

“Father, who’s our new governess going to be?” asked Marta. 

“Well,” Captain Daddy smiled wide. “You’re not going to have a governess anymore.” 

“We’re not?” Marta scrunched her eyebrows. 

“No,” he said. His voice was gentle. “You’re going to have a new mother.” 

“A new mother?” she looked up at him in wonder.

“We talked about it last night,” Captain Daddy took the Baroness’ hand in his own. “It’s all settled, and we’re all going to be very happy.” This news, however, did not hearten the children at all. If anything, they looked worse. “Well, alright, run off and play!” He shooed them, as if that was the problem all along. Sometimes, parents are clueless … or just unwilling to bend.

“Come on,” I pulled Petey along with me

“Where are we going, now?” He asked, and we followed the children.

“To get Maria back!” 

It was Gretl’s idea to go and try to talk with Maria. We weren’t long in conspiring before we were walking down the country road to the bus stop. Unfortunately, we’d missed the bus. Our choices were to walk the six miles from here to the abbey, or go home. Gretl marched down the road while the rest of the children debated on whether it was worth making the journey or waiting until the next day. 

“How are you doing, kid?” I trotted up to Gretl and nudged her shoulder. She looked up at me, but didn’t say anything. “We’re going to get her back. You know that, right?” 

“Yes,” Gretl’s eyes were on the horizon. She paused to wait for her siblings at a bend in the road. Petey sighed and folded his arms. 

“How long IS this movie?” 

“It’s no ‘Lord of the Rings,’” I shrugged. “But it is pretty long. We’re on the second VHS. This scene definitely has bonus material.” 

“Great.” 

It took us an hour to walk to the edge of Salzburg’s downtown area. Luckily, we found another bus to take us the rest of the way to the abbey. Petey and I hung back while the children skipped up to the gate. A young novitiate saw them and approached. 

“Yes, my children?” she greeted them with all of her warmth. 

“My name is Liesl.” 

“Yes, Liesl?”

“We, my brothers and sisters,” she clarified. “We want to see Fraulein Maria.”

“Fraulein Maria?” the novitiate paused. “Oh, Maria! Come in, please!” She opened the gate and we all went in. “Wait here,” she said to us in the courtyard. Then she vanished. A moment later, Sister Margaretta appeared and introduced herself. 

“How’s Sister Berthe?” I asked. 

“Who is Sister Berthe?” asked Petey. “And why do I feel like you defiled her?” 

“Liberated,” I patted the top of Petey’s head. “Full disclosure: I went down on her shortly after arriving. Now, shh, pay attention.”

“I understand you inquired about Maria,” Sister Margaretta clasped her hands and smiled. 

“We have to see her,” said Louisa. “Will you tell her we’re here?” 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Sister Margaretta frowned. 

“But you’ve got to!” said Friedrich. 

“She’s our governess,” explained Brigitta.

“We want her back,” said Marta. “She didn’t even say ‘goodbye.’”

“All we want to do is talk to her,” said Liesl. 

“I’m very sorry,” the Mistress of Postulants put a hand on the oldest von Trapp’s shoulder and guided her back toward the gate. “But Maria is in seclusion. She hasn’t been seeing anyone.” 

“She’ll see us,” Friedrich insisted.

“Some other time, dears,” Sister Margaretta’s smile was back on her face. “I’ll tell her you were here.” The nun placed a hand on Gretl’s back to comfort the girl, but the littlest von Trapp was having none of it. She shrugged the hand away, gave the nun the finger, and stalked away. That’s my girl. “It was sweet of you to call!” The children started filtering out onto the street. Petey and I hung back inside the abbey gates. The children continued to protest, but it was no use. “Run along, children. Run along home. Goodbye, children.” She closed the gate on them. Petey and I watched their sad, strained faces as they lost all hope in seeing their beloved Maria. 

“Aren’t we going to follow the children?” asked Petey when he noticed we were still on the inside of the courtyard. 

“We’re not leaving without Maria,” I said. He sighed. I patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, my radioactive buddy. This is all part of the original movie. Speaking of which, we should change.” I snapped my fingers and tight habits appeared over both our costumed. Petey immediately tugged at his collar.

“I gotta give Catholics credit,” he said. “They excel in discomfort. Why are we wearing these?” 

“We’re blending in,” I said. “The next scene is in Reverend Mother’s office. Look, there she is!” 

“We don’t NEED to blend in--oh, for fucks sake!” Petey hurrumphed. Like, a legitimate hurrumph. I’d never heard one in “real life” before.

“God, you’re adorable when you’re pissed the fuck off,” I massaged the back of his neck and turned my focus back to the nuns. 

“What was that about, Sister?” asked Reverend Mother. 

“The von Trapp children, Reverend Mother,” Sister Margaretta nodded toward the gate. “They want to see Maria.” 

“Has she spoken yet?” asked Reverend Mother. “Has she told you anything?”

“She doesn’t say a word, Reverend Mother,” Sister Margaretta shook her head. “Except in prayer.” 

“Poor child,” said Reverend Mother, as if she wasn’t completely responsible for Maria’s current emotional upheaval. 

“It’s strange,” Sister Margaretta remarked. “She seems happy to be back here, and yet … she’s unhappy, too.” 

“Perhaps I’ve been wrong in leaving her alone so long,” said Reverend Mother. “Bring her to me, even if she’s not yet ready.” 

Sister Margaretta left to fetch Maria. I took Reverend Mother’s arm, and Petey followed us up to her office. I asked after Sister Berthe, and then whispered in her ear about a plan I had for later on in the fic. Reverend Mother’s expression was a bit put off by it, but she was ultimately receptive to my plan. A plan you nerds will learn more about very soon. 

“I HAVE to say, this goes completely against the whole point of running this test,” Petey, the adorable idiot said. “I mean, you’re fucking with the system. How are we ever going to--” And he said no more, because I had him pressed up against the stained glass windows behind Reverend Mother’s desk. I pressed my masked face on Spidey’s and all his resistance melted away. That’s better. I let my hands wander around to the other side of him. I grabbed his cheeks with both hands and lifted him closer to me, pressing our faces together harder. I let my face mask slide against his, and then I whispered into his ear. 

“Guess what, Petey?”

“Heh,” he said. “What?”

“You should have kept your mouth shut,” I let one hand go from his ass. I plucked off his wimple and tossed it to the side. Then I pulled off his face mask. “This time, I shut you up.” 

“You can’t be serious,” Petey said, his voice flat. 

“No, no,” I slowly pushed him down to his knees. “The line is, ‘Surely, you can’t be serious.’ Get your references straight.” I lifted up my habit and unzipped the front of my suit. 

“You’re really going to make me do this?” Petey looked up at me. I yanked off my own face mask and locked gazes with mister amazing..

“No, Peter. I’m not going to make you do anything.” I lifted my dick out of my suit and just let it hang there, an inch from his face, in all its semi-erect glory. “You’re going to do this, because you want to do this. You have the power to stop this at any moment.” 

He shrugged. “The problem is whether or not you’ll hear me over your own narcissism.” 

“Peter Parker,” I said. On this rare occasion, in such a holy place, I was feeling the sincerity. “As a prelude to the conversation we are GOING to have before the end of this fic--I have to tell YOU that I DO hear you. Every single word. I can’t promise you’ll like all of my responses, but I do hear you, Petey.”

“Then why can’t we just talk now?” he asked, but he didn’t really seem to be asking. He was staring at my cock, which grew another half inch with his interest. He sniffed at it. 

This assured me enough to say, “Because you broke the rules.” 

“So, you make the rules now?” He looked up at me and the head of my cock grazed his smooth chin. 

“It’s my fic,” I said, flexing my cock and letting it smack on his chin a couple of times. “I call the shots.”

“Your fic?”

“Never mind!” I grabbed his head with both hands, shook it back and forth, bent down, and kissed him again. “Now, shut up and suck my dick!” 

He opened his mouth. At the same moment, Maria opened the door to the office and came in. Reverend Mother got up from her desk. She extended her hands to Maria. Maria took them and fell to her knees, bowing her head to them, then rose again. 

“You’ve been unhappy,” said Reverend Mother. “I’m sorry.” 

“Reverend Mother,” Maria had a hard time saying more. Petey, on the other hand, was having no hard time working his way up and down my shaft with his tongue. The sun was blazing in through the stain glassed windows, lighting our collective scene. All kinds of descriptive shit my brain could no longer think about, because blood was flooding southward. 

“Why did they send you back to us?” asked Reverend Mother. 

“They didn’t send me back,” Maria hung her head. “I left.” 

“Sit down, Maria,” Reverend Mother motioned to the chair in front of her desk. “Tell me what happened.” 

“I was frightened,” Maria lowered herself on the edge of the chair. Petey took me in his mouth and lowered his head halfway down, swirling his tongue around as he went up and down. 

“Frightened?” Reverend Mother startled. “Were they unkind do you?”

“Oh, no!” Maria exclaimed. ”No, I was confused. I felt … I’ve never felt that way before.” She looked down at her hands. I looked down at Petey and he slid my cock down his throat to the base. I closed my eyes and groaned. “I couldn’t stay. I knew that here I’d be away from it. I’d be safe.”

“Maria, our abbey is not to be used as an escape,” Reverend Mother was a little indignant. “What is it you can’t face?”

“I can’t face him again,” Maria said. Petey gagged himself. I moaned. The author of my fic cried as he orchestrated the death of a part of his childhood. 

“Him?” Reverend Mother repeated, completely understanding the implications of the word. “Captain von Trapp? Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t know!” Maria searched the room, as if she might find the answer hidden away in a dark corner of the office. “I don’t know. I-- The Baroness said I was. She said that he was in love with me, but I didn’t want to believe it. There were times we looked at each other … I could hardly breathe.”

Petey’s lips sucked on the head of my shaft. I grabbed his head with one hand and guided myself all the way down his throat. He gagged again, and my eyes rolled back. It felt fucking amazing. 

“Did you let him see your feelings?” Reverend Mother asked.

“I don’t know,” Maria’s voice softened. “That what’s torturing me. I was on God’s errand. To have asked for his love would have been wrong. I just couldn’t stay.” Fucking. Catholics. “I’m ready at this moment to take my vows,” Maria continued. She looked down at her hands again. “Please, help me.” 

“Maria,” Reverend Mother took a deep breath. “The love of a man and a woman is holy, too. You have a great capacity to love. You must find out how God wants you to spend your love.” 

I held Petey’s head still and slid my cock in and out of his throat. When he didn’t gag after the eleventh stroke, I held his head down at the base and grinded into him until he did. I couldn’t get enough of his throat muscles contracting around my shaft. I let him about halfway up. He swallowed, hard, and looked me in the eyes. The want in his face sent a chill down my spine. He was getting me close. He curled his lips tight, cleaning off my cock with another lip smack.

“You’re not getting off that easy,” Petey said, and stood up. “It’s your turn to give, Wade. I’m taking control--”

“Like hell you are!” 

“But I pledged my life to God,” said Maria. “I pledged my life to His service.” 

“My daughter, if you truly love this man,” Reverend Mother lost none of her cool. “It doesn’t mean you love God less. No. You must find out. You must go back.” 

Before I could make a move, Petey shot me with his sticky webbing. A lot of it. Then he shot again, and again. It wasn’t long before I hung in a sling of warm webbing behind Reverend Mother’s desk. Petey used his strength to rip a hole in the ass of my costume.

“Thats for gagging me too much,” he said. Petey rubbed my ass with his gloved hand, and I threw my head back. God, he was hot when you pushed him too far. 

“You can’t ask me to do that!” Maria shot up from her chair. “Please, let me stay. I beg--”

“Put it in me,” I begged along with Maria. He smacked his erection against my ass. “Fuck me, Spiderman.” 

“Now, how can I resist that?” Reverend Mother and I began singing altogether different songs in that same moment. Peter Parker eased himself deeper inside of me. I took deep breaths and relaxed as much as I could. 

“Climb every mountain. Search high and low. Follow every byway, every path you know.” Reverend Mother stood in the light of the stained glass. Petey shot another string of webbing to hold my legs and ass at just the right height, freeing his hands so they could grab onto my hips. He slammed into me once. I’m not ashamed to admit, I screamed from the pleasure of it. “Climb every mountain. Ford every stream. Follow every rainbow til you find your dream.”

Petey growled. “You like it when I do that to your ass, don’t you, Wade?”

“I fucking love it,” my breath hitched as he repeated the motion. 

“A dream that will need all the love you can give,” Reverend Mother sang. The author wept. “Everyday of your life for as long as you live. Climb every mountain. Ford every stream. Follow every rainbow til you find your dream.” 

“You’re gonna make me cum,” I rocked my hips into his crotch.

“Yeah?” he fucked me harder.

“Yes!” 

“Go ahead,” he didn’t let up his pounding into my prostate. I didn’t have to touch my dick at all. I was leaking pre-cum everywhere. I wanted to cum, but I also did everything I could to prolong the sensation Petey was giving me. 

“A dream that will need all the love you can give,” Reverend Mother looked out of the stained glass windows. “Everyday of your life for as long as you live! Climb every mountain. Ford every stream. Follow every rainbow til you find your dream!” 

I screamed again, and jets of hot cum splattered on my face mask and chest. “Fuck!” Petey shouted, pulling out, and adding his load to mine. Our eyes locked, and we both panted. He thrust his still throbbing cock back inside of me. The pain/pleasure line tilted more towards pain post orgasm, but not enough to make him stop. He slid himself out and slowly slid in again. He lightly punched my right peck. He pulled himself out of my ass, climbed on top of me in the sling and kissed my cum-stained face. 

Reverend Mother was still by the window when something came smashing through it. I could tell it was a small person by the way she bent her knees and bounced herself off of the wall opposite of the window. I knew she was a she, because as she tumbled to the floor and rolled up to her feet, she pulled out two small katanas. And there was no mistaking Anne and Frank. 

“Gretl?!” I shouted. Petey immediately released me from his webbing. We covered ourselves with our habits, but our suits were still in disarray. “What the hell, kiddo? Why aren’t you with your brother and sisters?”

“I wanted to see Fraulein Maria,” Gretl held her katanas higher. 

“Oh, darling,” Maria ignored the sharp blades and lifted the little girl into an embrace. “I’ve just been having a talk with Reverend Mother, and I am coming back.”

“You are?!’ Gretl’s face lit up. In a flash, Gretl had her swords away and her arms around Maria’s neck. 

“I take it Gretl doesn’t smash through the window in the original movie,” said Petey.

“Not a chance,” I answered.

“Well, that’s encouraging, at least,” Petey sighed. 

“What is?”

“I can’t tell you,” Petey gave me a pointed look. “If I try, you’ll shove your cock down my throat again.”

“Hey, you’re learning! OW!” Petey swatted me upside the head. “Please, sir, may I have another.” 

“Masochist,” he looked down at the state of himself. He made a disgruntled face. Maria took Gretl’s hand and lead her out of Reverend Mother’s office. I snapped my fingers and instantly cleaned up Petey and myself and the mess we had made in the office. He glared at me. “You waited until now--” Petey stopped himself this time. “No, of course you did. You’re such a freak.” 

“That’s why you love me!” and I wasn’t only talking to Petey.


	11. Something Bad is Happening in Aus(tria)!

Petey and I ran ahead with Gretl. Unencumbered by the other von Trapp children, I suggested we swing through Salzburg. Petey reluctantly agreed. He stood in front of me. I put Gretl on my back, and Petey held his arms out. I jumped onto him, trusting his strength to catch me. He held onto me with one arm, which snaked around my waist and cupped my firm ass. 

Once we got going, Gretl’s laughter infected Petey. We soared around steeples, and heard organs playing within the churches they topped. A few people on the street pointed at us as we cut through a busy square with a giant coo-coo clock attached to one of the buildings. Soon we were on the edge of town.

The plan was to make it back before Maria, and we weren’t going to ruin the surprise for the other children. Or Captain Daddy. We caught up with the others down by the lake. They asked us questions about where we were. There was hardly any time to even begin lying to them, because Captain Daddy appeared. He stood over his children, knowing they’d been up to something. He asked them outright what they had been up to, but all of their answers were mumbled and indistinct.

“Now, it’s not like my children to be secretive,” Captain Daddy said. 

“We’re not being secretive, father,” Gretl grinned. 

“And it’s not like my children to be late for dinner,” he pointed out.

“We lost track of the time,” said Louisa.

“I see!” said Captain Daddy. He wasn’t buying a word of it. “Who’s going to be the first one to tell me the truth? Friedrich? Brigitta? Liesl?”

“Where do you think we were, father?” Liesl said. Her sly tone definitely inherited from Captain Daddy. He warned her with a glance. “If you don’t believe us, you must have some idea of where you think we were.”

“Marta,” Captain Daddy turned to the one he could break the easiest. 

“Yes, father?”

“You tell me,” he squatted down to her level. 

“Friedrich told you, father,” she said. “We were berry picking!”

“I forgot!” Captain Daddy raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. “You were berry picking!” All the children made noises confirming this story. “All afternoon?”

“We picked thousands,” said Friedrich, enthusiastically. 

“Thousands?” Captain Daddy’s eyes widened even further.

“They were all over the place,” said Louisa. 

“What kind of berries were they?” asked Captain Daddy.

“Petey and I were picking snozberries,” I said.

“Blueberries, sir,” said Brigitta.

“Oh, blueberries,” Captain Daddy clapped his hands together. Then he deadpanned. “It’s too early for blueberries.” 

“They were strawberries!” And then Friedrich came up with the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard. “It’s been so cold lately, they turned blue.” 

“Very well,” said Captain Daddy. He straightened back up and held out his right hand. “Show me the berries.” 

“We--” Marta stammered. 

“Well?” Captain Daddy put his hands on his hips. “Show me the berries you picked.” 

“We don’t have them anymore,” Marta frowned. 

“You don’t have them anymore?” Captain Daddy mocked her tone. “Well, what happened to them?”

“We--we--” Marta searched her mind. “We ate them!”

“You ate them?” Who did these kids think they were fooling? All the children nodded in agreement to this tale. “Very well. Since you’ve obviously stuffed yourself on thousands of delicious berries, you can’t be hungry anymore. So, I’ll have to tell Frau Schmidt to skip your dinner!” 

And with that, he turned on his heel and marched back into the house. He left the children to think about their lies on empty stomachs. Of course, their surprise was on the way, so eating would be the last thing on their minds in a moment. 

“It’s your fault,” Brigitta said to Louisa. “We should have told him the truth!” 

“And made him boiling mad at us?” asked Louisa. 

“It’s better than starving to death,” Brigitta grabbed her stomach. 

“We didn’t do anything wrong,” said Marta. “We just wanted to see her. The least they could have done was to let us say ‘hello.’”

“When Fraulein Maria wanted to feel better,” said Liesl, unable to stand the sight of her siblings in pain. “She used to sing that song. Let’s try it.” 

The children began to sing about their favorite things. Or at least the list Maria had given them. It wasn’t working. That was when the surprise showed up. Maria’s voice joined the children’s. At first, they didn’t recognize the sound as real. Then they saw her. She was coming down the lawn, guitar and carpet bag in hand. The children burst into a run, and so did Maria. They met each other in a mash of song and embrace. All singing together to the end of the refrain. Petey leaned his head on the side of my shoulder. Maybe from boredom, maybe in response to the joy of this movie. 

“Children, I’m so glad to see you!” Maria said.

“We missed you!” said Marta.

“I missed you,” Maria caressed the back of the girl’s head. “Kurt, how are--oh.” There was a very awkward silence. Maria’s eyes met Liesl’s. “Are you alright?”

“Just fair,” she shrugged.

“Any telegrams been delivered lately?” 

“None at all,” Liesl said, not even thinking about boys right now. “But I’m learning to accept it. I’ll be glad when school begins.” 

“Liesl, you can’t use school to escape your problems,” Maria employed the lesson she’d only learned hours before. “You have to face them! I have so much to tell you.” 

“We have things to tell you, too,” said Louisa. 

“The most important thing is that father is going to be married,” said Liesl. 

“Married?” Maria took a step back.

“Yes,” Liesl nodded. “To Baroness Schraeder.” And then I heard her in barely a whisper, “Else.” 

“Oh, I see,” Maria nodded as if this made all the sense in the world to her. 

Friedrich spotted his father on the terrace and said, “Father look! Fraulein Maria’s back from the abbey!” 

“Good evening, captain,” she said. 

“Good evening,” he said to her, and then to his children. “Everyone inside for dinner!” The children eagerly spring up the terrace steps and into the house. Captain Daddy looked into Maria’s eyes. “You left without saying ‘goodbye.’ Even to the children.” 

“It was wrong of me,” Maria wringed her hands together. “Forgive me.” 

“Why did you?”

“Please, don’t ask me,” she looked up at him and shoved all of the emotions she felt down. “The reason no longer exists.” 

“Fraulein Maria, you’ve returned!” The Baroness’ smile beamed, and she stood beside Captain Daddy. “Isn’t it wonderful, Georg?”

“I wish you every happiness, Baroness,” Maria said, defeated. “You too, captain. The children say you’re to be married.” 

“Thank you, my dear,” the Baroness looked a little pained. I saw her steal a glance back at the house. 

“You’re back to stay?” Captain Daddy asked, but it was more of a statement. 

“Only until arrangements can be made for another governess,” said Maria.

Leave it to Captain Daddy to ruin one surprise with another. Dinner was an awkward affair. There was much chatting and eating of food, but it all had too much of a polish to it. The children could tell something wasn’t quite right, but they were mostly just happy Maria was back. 

After dinner, Captain Daddy wandered out onto the terrace. He stood near one of the banisters and looked over at the lake in the distance. Apparently, I had awoken something in mister Spidey-Pete, because he had me pressed up against the opposite banister, one hand on either side of me. 

“There you are,” said the Baroness. She came out of the house, pulling us all from our respective revelries. “I must speak to cook about the schnitzel. It is entirely too delicious for my figure. And it makes you much too quiet at the dinner table. Or was it the wine? Undoubtedly, the wine. You have no idea the trouble I am having,” she made a conscious effort to slow down her words. “Trying to decide on a wedding present for you. Oh, I know. I’m enough. But I do want you to have some little trifle for the occasion. At first, I thought of a fountain pen, but you’ve already got one. Then, I thought, perhaps a villa in the south of France, but they are so difficult to gift-wrap.” She put a hand on his shoulder. He seemed to be somewhere else. “Oh, Georg, how do you feel about yachts? A long, sleek one for the Mediterranean, and a tiny one for your bathtub, huh?”

“Else--”

“Where to go on our honeymoon?” she ignored his interruption. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to play him or herself. “Now, that’s a real problem. A trip around the world would be lovely. And then I said, ‘Oh, Else, there must be someplace better to go.’ But don’t worry, darling, I’ll--”

“Else!”

“Yes, Georg?”   
Petey pecked little kisses up my neck, and I was torn between giving it up right there with him and jumping to the aid of the Baroness. 

“It’s no use,” said Captain Daddy. “You and I. I’m being dishonest to both of us, and utterly unfair to you. When two people talk of marriage--”

“No, don’t,” said the Baroness. “Don’t say another word, please. You see, there are other things I’ve been thinking of.” Else’s eyes looked back at the house again. Petey continued to work his way down my shoulder with kisses. “Fond as I am of you, I really don’t think you’re the right man for me.” She turned back to Captain Daddy. “You’re much too independent. And I need someone who needs me, desperately. Or, at least, needs my money desperately. I’ve enjoyed every moment we’ve had together, and I do thank you for that.” She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Now, if you’ll forgive me, I’ll go inside, pack my little bags, and return to Vienna where I belong.” She nodded towards the garden. “And somewhere out there is a young lady who, I think, will never be a nun.” 

“You ain’t whistlin’ dixie,” I shrugged so Petey had to pull away. He looked into my eyes, wondering. 

“Auf wiedersehen, darling” the Baroness made her way back into the house. I looked down at Petey. 

“I think it’s time for that talk,” I took both of his hands with mine. “I don’t know if it’s just this movie, or if it’s being around you in general. I’m SO happy, that the boxes in my head have completely gone quiet. All except one, Petey. My conscience.” 

“Bet you haven’t heard that voice in a while,” Petey looked away.

“Yeah, yeah, alright. I deserve the ribbing, but I’m being serious,” I said. Captain Daddy wandered off of the terrace. I slid off the banister, held on to one of Petey’s hands, and we followed him. “I really like you, Petey. Like … you’ve been a great friend. We’ve had some great times. I understand that more is going to complicate things, but I think I want to try it.”

“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”

“Don’t put words into my mouth,” I said. I squeezed his hand, because that was it exactly. “There are things you need to know about me before we even get to that question.” 

“Ah, but it IS a question, isn’t it?” asked Petey. “Isn’t it, Wade?” I didn’t say anything. “Are you--” he made a sour face. “Polyamorous?”

“Not a fan of non-monogamy?” I returned.

“It’s not the concept I take issue with,” said Petey. “It’s the mixing of Latin and Greek roots.”

“You’re such a nerd,” I said, and wrapped an arm around him. “I’ve thought about polyamory. It might not be my thing. Sexually, I’m attracted to many types, but relationships?” 

“It is definitely not the kind of relationship I pictured myself being in,” Petey nodded. 

“If we decide to take this any further we are going to have to define our relationship.” I was impressed with my own maturity. “I want you to know that I am not always exclusive. I haven’t been in a real relationship since--”

Petey stopped me with a touch on my forearm. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” I hadn’t heard it. I listened. We walked through the garden, and we’d made it back to the tree with the bench under it. The one where I killed Rolf. Maria was sitting there. Captain Daddy walked toward her, but that wasn’t where Petey was looking. I saw the bushes rustle across from the bench. 

“Hello,” Captain Daddy said to Maria. “I thought I just might find you here.” 

“Was there something you wanted?” Maria got to her feet.

“No, no, no,” Captain Daddy put his hands on her shoulders. “Sit down, please.” She didn’t move at first. “Please. May I?” She nodded for him to sit with her on the bench. “You know, I was thinking, and I was wondering two things: Why did you run away to the abbey? And what was it that made you come back?”

The rustling in the bushes came again. Petey was already in one of the trees, springing through the branches to get a closer look. 

“Well, I had an obligation to fulfill,” said Maria. “And I came back to fulfill it.” 

“Is that all?” Captain Daddy peered into her eyes, trying to find the answer for himself.

“And I missed the children,” she said. 

“Yes,” he smiled. “Only the children?”

“No,” she blushed. “Yes. Isn’t it right that I missed them?”

“Oh, yes,” he nodded. “Yes, of course. I was only hoping that perhaps you … perhaps you might--”

“Yes?” Maria tilted her head.

“Well,” Captain Daddy took a breath. “Nothing was the same when you were away, and it’ll be all wrong again after you leave. And I just thought, perhaps, you might change your mind.”

“I’m sure the Baroness will be able to make things fine for you,” said Maria. 

The rustling in the bushes got more pronounced. Petey was dangling from the tree, trying to see what might be inside. The rustling stopped. I saw a gray hand grab at the soil near the roots of the plant, then drag itself back into the shade of the leaves. 

“Maria,” Captain Daddy smiled at her with patience. “There isn’t going to be any Baroness.” 

“There isn’t?” she furrowed her eyebrows.

“No,” he shook his head.

“I don’t understand,” Maria shook hers as well.

“Well, we’ve called off our engagement, you see, and--”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Maria said, more of a reflex than anything. 

“Yes,” a perplexed expression flashed across his face. “You are?”

“You did?” Maria asked, the meaning of his words finally sinking in. 

“Yes,” said Captain Daddy. “Well, you can’t marry someone when you’re in love with someone else, can you?”

“Reverend Mother always says, ‘When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window,’” was Maria’s answer. I inched closer to the bushes. With one hand on my pistol and one hand on my gun, I was prepared for anything.

“What else does Reverend Mother say?” Captain Daddy leaned back a little, opening up with his posture.

“That you have to look for your life,” she looked into his eyes. 

“Is that why you came back?” he asked. “Have you found it, Maria?”

“I think I have,” she said.

“I know I have,” He moved in a little closer, as did I to the bush. “I love you.” 

“Oh,” Maria put her hands on her cheeks. “Can this be happening to me?”

Petey saw me coming, so we both dove into the bush at the same exact moment. We tangled with the branches and the thing inside them. Once this initial scramble was over, I got a good look at the creature we grappled with. It stank to high heaven. It was bloated with water and it squished like one of those gel filled tubes that kids play with. Its face was a balloon that vaguely resembled the boy it once was. Rolf. 

“Uh, Wade?”

“Yes, darling?” I said. 

“Okay, now I forgot my question,” said Petey.

“Well, that’s good, because we’re about to kick some zombie ass,” I said.

“Oh, right,” said Petey. “I was going to ask if there was any mention of zombies in ‘The Sound of Music.’”

“No,” I answered. “However, Hitler was into some freaky shit. I have my suspicions as to what’s going on. This is going to be the third time I kill this dude.” 

“Perhaps I had a wicked childhood,” Maria sang, completely oblivious to the danger their lives were in as well. “Perhaps I had a miserable youth, but somewhere in my wicked, miserable past there must have been a moment of truth.” I punched the face of the zombie and my fist sunk into the fleshy moistness which gave way like congealed tapioca. All of the fluid behind his skin ran down my arms and onto the ground. “For here you are, standing there, loving me. Whether or not you should. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.”

Petey grabbed the zombie from behind. The thing was in such an advanced state of decay, his arms pulled right out of their sockets like overcooked meat. “Nothing comes from nothing,” Maria and Captain Daddy sang together now. “Nothing ever could. So, somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.” As back a condition this thing was in, it was still moving. It still tried to attack. It’s half-attached jaw snapped at me, but in the least threatening way. I almost felt sorry for it. I kicked it in the gut and my foot went clear through the other side, catching Petey on the hip. He fell out of the bushes. 

“Do you know when I first started loving you?” Captain Daddy asked Maria. “That night at dinner, when you sat on that ridiculous pine cone.”

“What?” she laughed. “I knew the first time you blew that silly whistle.” 

“Oh, my love,” Captain Daddy sighed. “For here you are, standing there, loving me. Whether or not you should. So, somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something--”

“LOOK OUT!” I heard Petey cry, but like so many plot twists, it was all too late. 

I turned around just in time to see a figure jump out from behind the tree the bench was under. It lunged at Captain Daddy. Its eyes were red, and almost glowing. Its clothes were dirty, and it’s hair mussed. It was once human, it was clear it still hungered like one, but it was definitely no longer the kind you could satiate at the dinner table. Unless Meatloaf was being served. 

I watched as zombie-Kurt sunk his teeth into Captain Daddy’s neck. Petey swung in and kicked zombie-Kurt square in the face, and knocked him back. I left the mush pile that was the remains of zombie-Rolf, and rushed over to the happy couple.

“Shit, man, that doesn't look too bad,” I examined the wound. I pulled out a gauze pad and showed him to apply pressure. “That should heal fine…” if you live long enough to heal from a zombie bite. “Good news! Kurt’s back!” 

Petey shot webbing at zombie-Kurt’s hands and feet and pinned him to the ground. The undead boy struggled to free himself, but made no progress. 

“Maria?” Captain Daddy gasped and held the gauze to his neck. “Is there anyone I should go to, to ask permission to marry you?”

“Why don’t we ask--” they both looked at Kurt and said, “The children.” 

The music swelled, and I knew that was the cue for the final montage of the film. I had to think quickly. I reached into my satchel and dug for what I needed. “Let him go, I’ve got an idea.” 

Before I knew it, we were all inside the chapel of the abbey. Maria was dressed all in white. Captain Daddy cleaned up nicely with a bandage at his throat. Due to his high collar you could barely see the bandage. What you could see was a blackened vein creeping out into his jawline. The children were all lined up in the front row--including Kurt--who I muzzled as a safety precaution. He writhed and wouldn’t sit still. I held Kurt’s leash, and I had Petey at my side. The whole family was together. It was wonderful. Holy shit, I am my mother. 

All of the nuns sang while Maria made her way down the aisle. Kurt snapped at her on her way passed him, and all of the children giggled. Even undead, Kurt was incorrigible. And so, Maria and Captain Daddy were married! And who better to leave your kids with when you go off on your honeymoon than Deadpool? Petey wasn’t too keen on the babysitting, but hey, he had no choice. It was lucky for me though, having Petey around was going to be essential for the children’s continued training.


	12. Telegrams Twisted Every Way

Captain Daddy and Maria were gone on their honeymoon for a long-ass time. And who could blame them? The children, however, didn’t deal with it very well. They were soon up to their old tricks with me, interrupting training, leaving little presents in the bed Petey and I shared. 

Oh, yeah. That was happening. 

It was an unusually warm day for Austria. In my brilliance, I suggested we all go for a swim. Down to the lake the children ran--including Kurt! I tied his zombie self to a tree with a long enough slack for him to chase after his siblings in the water, but short enough that he couldn’t actually reach them unless they were being idiots. It was great. The sun sparkled on the water. Suddenly, there was a Spidey in my face. He was hanging upside down out of a tree again. 

“Can I talk to you?” he asked. 

I strained not to giggle. “What about, Petey?”

“About what you said,” he looked up at his feet. I held my breath. “About you not being exclusive. I have some concerns.” 

“I’d be worried if you didn’t,” it was getting difficult to keep a straight face. Lucky for me, the mask hides it. 

“Why are you making all of those faces,” Petey looked at me sideways. “Are you up to something?”

“Petey, Petey, Petey,” I traced his cheek with one of my fingers. “How many times do I have to tell you that I cannot take you seriously in that position? I can’t explain why. It just fucking tickles me.” 

He plopped down to the ground. “I just … feel small standing next to you.” 

“Genetics are a bitch,” I looked him in the eye. “What are your concerns?”

“So, this whole non-monogamous thing,” Petey matched my gaze. “It’s kind of an open relationship, right?”

“Not in the way I think you mean,” I said. “Open as in unabashedly honest. If there is intercourse that occurs outside of the relationship, then all parties have to consent to it. Or it has to conform to the terms of the relationship.” 

“Well, that’s good to know, but--” Petey squirmed. “It all sounds so … contractual.”

“It is. All relationships are,” I nodded. “Not all relationships talk about it openly, but all relationships have terms and conditions.” This made him laugh. “I also believe in science. There are fewer monogamous species than there are non-monogamous. Monogamy is just an idea.” The sun sparkled on the lake behind Peter, and all this honesty was making me want to be MORE honest. “Another thing you should think about before deciding to date me is, well … there’s something wrong with me. Like--”

“You know what your problem is?” Petey cut me off.

“Tell me.” 

“You hate yourself,” said Petey. “For all your talk about how great you are … you really don’t like yourself very much.”

“No,” I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pressed his body against mine. That felt right. “When I say there is something wrong with me, I don’t mean it solely in a self-deprecating way. I have boxes in my head who I hold regular conversations with. Your presence seems to have quieted them, but I know … things as well. For instance, you and I are fictional characters. There is someone reading these words I am speaking right now. As I say them. You can wave to them, and they will totally geek the fuck out. They’re nerds.” 

“I’m being serious, Wade.” 

“Peter, so am I,” I said.

“What I want to know is, how is this going to work?” he looked into my eyes again. 

“I wish I could give you the answer to that, baby boy,” I said. “Things between us, they’re going to have to grow the way they grow. I’m not going to label things. I love you, Peter Parker. So much that I’m not willing to bullshit you. Not about this. At all. I guess that leaves us back where we started. I haven’t really put any of your concerns to rest.” 

“No, you haven’t,” Petey nuzzled in closer. “But we’re not where we started at all.” 

We stood together, watching over the children in the lake until Frau Schmidt called us in for dinner. From there, the days passed by in a haze. Probably because this was all additional matter not part of the original movie. The children each advanced in their merc skills, and Uncle Max had them rehearsing whenever I gave him the chance. It was on one such day that we all drove the car into Salzburg, where Uncle Max took us to the oldest, dingiest theatre I have ever seen. Apparently, this ancient ruin was to be the site of the festival. I decided there was planning to do here. 

Uncle Max lined the children up on the stage, and the dim spotlights at the back of the theatre gave them some, but not much, illumination. He gave the signal to the pianist in the theatre, and the rehearsal officially began. Kurt tried to snap at Brigitta, but I pulled on his leash. He whined. 

“No, no, no!” Uncle Max waved his hands for everyone to stop. “Wade, would you mind leaving the stage? You’re a distraction.” 

“I’m making sure this one doesn’t turn any of his siblings,” I yanked on Kurt’s leach again. He grunted. 

“Yes,” Uncle Max looked down his nose at us. “I thought about that. Due to Kurt’s sensitive condition, he might sit out--at least for this one rehearsal. If he’s better in time for the festival--”

“He’s not getting better, Maxie,” I said. “He’s dead.” 

“True,” Uncle Max nodded. “Which leaves me with another predicament. Filling his space in the line-up.” 

“You mean family,” I said. “What are you up to, Max?”

Uncle Max turned and faced the nearly empty auditorium. He looked directly at Petey. “You there, boy. You can sing, can’t you?”

I hopped off the stage and stood by Uncle Max. “You want Petey to take Kurt’s place in the show? Well,” I said. “He does know Kurt’s forms from target practice. That might be interesting.” 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Petey called from his spot at the back of the theatre. “Sorry, I was communicating with--ah, I can’t say. I didn’t hear what you guys were talking about.” 

“Come down here, Petey,” I said. “There’s a dream that needs fulfilling, and you’re the only one with legs who can do it.” He pushed himself out of the seat at the back of the theatre and marched up the aisle. “Make it blue,” I snapped my fingers. Over his suit appeared another outfit. An icy colored lederhosen that really cupped his junk in a way that gave me butterflies.

“What am I wearing now?”

“Too much!” I snapped my fingers again. All of his Spidey-suit vanished, except for his mask. His tightly muscled body framed by this hysterical bit of clothing was making me hard. “That’s better.”

“Okay … now I’m confused AND cold,” said Petey. “What the hell, Wade?”

“Petey, we need a stand-in for Kurt,” I said.

“Hah! Hahaha! Not only do I have limited knowledge of this movie,” Petey’s hands were on his hips. His abs flexed in frustration, and my knees went a little weak. “I also have no singing ability. I couldn’t to save my life. Or anybody else’s for that matter.” 

“Ah, but you forget the magic of movie musicals!” I waved my hand in the air to emphasize my point. “A lovely little bit of special effect called ‘dubbing.’ Just get on stage, please.” 

“This is stupid.” 

“What?! I did say ‘please,’” I batted my eyes at him. “It would make me ever so happy if you did this for me, darling.” 

Petey narrowed his eyes at me. “How is this supposed to work?”

“I have no idea,” I shrugged. “Just get on stage and see what happens.” Petey took a step toward the stage, but then hesitated. “Look, if you indulge me now, you can always exact your revenge for the embarrassment later.” He considered this, nodded, and then joined the rest of the children on the stage. I pulled at Kurt’s leash and he lunged at me. I flung him over my shoulder and down onto the floor in front of the stage. I gave him one half-hearted punch to the abdomen. He whined. “Stop being a jerk, then! Now, get in a seat and behave yourself!” 

Zombie-Kurt seemed to understand, and actually took a seat in the front row without any further brute force. This was progress. I took the set next to him. Let him bite me. The last time I was bitten by a zombie, the whole world turned into Deadpools. So fucking let him bite me. The smile returned to Uncle Max’s face. He raised his hands, and the music started. The children’s voices raised and Petey’s blended perfectly with the rest of them. I was thinking about tracing my fingers across his finely haired chest when some douchebags burst in at the back of the theatre. There were seven of them. The one leading the stupidly dressed Calvary: Herr fucking Zeller.

“Herr Detweiler!” he said.

“You!” I jumped out of my seat. Uncle Max silenced the children and turned to address the Nazi shitheads. 

“Heil Hitler!” Herr Zeller extended his arm. 

“Oh, good afternoon, Herr Zeller,” Uncle Max turned on all of his charm and indifference. 

“Perhaps, you’ve not heard,” Herr Zeller puffed up his chest. “I am not the Gauleiter. Heil Hitler!”

“Heil … Hitler,” Uncle Max gave a half-hearted salute. 

“I’ve come from Captain von Trapp’s house,” Herr Zeller looked down his nose at Uncle Max. “The only one in the area not flying the flag of the Third Reich since the Anschluss. But we have dealt with that!” 

“I don’t under--”

“The housekeeper told me that I would find you here,” said Herr Zeller. “The only thing she’d tell me.” 

“What kind of information are you looking for?” Uncle Max calculated. 

“When will the captain return?” Herr Zeller’s eyes shifted to me. There was something familiar about the look of hate on his face. 

“Well, he’s on his honeymoon trip,” Uncle Max shrugged. “He’s not been in touch with us.”

“Am I to believe he hasn’t communicated with his children in over a month?” the doubt was clear in his tone and his expression was as sour as ever.

“How many men do you know who communicate with their children while honeymooning?” Uncle Max returned Herr Zeller’s doubt with his own. 

“Upon his return,” Herr Zeller straightened up and creeped in on Uncle Max. “He’ll fill his proper position in the new order.” 

“Naturally,” Uncle Max nodded and smiled. “And may I congratulate you and your people in allowing the festival to go on tonight as planned.” 

“Why should it not go on?” Herr Zeller waved a hand. I studied him. After our last encounter, I wasn’t sure if this guy was the real deal or some kind of glitch in the matrix. “Nothing in Austria has changed. Singing and music will show this to the world. Austria is the same! Heil Hitler!”

“Heil …” Uncle Max put even less effort into his salute. Just before Herr Zeller turned to leave the theatre, I reached out to try and grab him. I felt nothing. My hand passed through him as if he were a ghost. This time there wasn’t even a visual disruption. Strange. Uncle Max turned back to the children. “Come, let’s go home.”

“Why was he so cross?” asked Marta. 

“Everybody’s cross these days,” answered Uncle Max. 

“Maybe the flag with the black spider makes people nervous,” she suggested. 

“Will father be in trouble?” asked Liesl.

“He doesn’t have to be,” Uncle Max shrugged again. “The thing to do is to get along with everybody. Remember that tonight at the concert.” 

“Are we really going to sing before a lot of people?” asked Louisa. 

“Look!” he showed them all the handbill for the festival. “The von Trapp Family Singers: Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Brigitta, Peter, Marta, and Gretl.” I wasn’t surprised to see Petey’s name on the handbill. I had no part in it, but Uncle Max gets what Uncle Max wants. 

“Why am I always last?” Gretl had her hands on her hips. 

“Because you are the most important,” Uncle Max smiled down at her. He patted her head. “There we go.” 

She pulled Anne from her sheath and held the pointy end up to Uncle Max’s throat. “Stop touching me.” 

Uncle Max raised his eyebrows and plucked back his hand. He shook his head and lead us all out of the theatre. Petey and I walked side by side with Kurt trailing behind us. Petey was making a face and his shoulders were tensed. 

“Doing alright there, Petey?”

“Can I please put some clothes back on?” he asked. “I don’t mind the singing so much. It’s actually fascinating to be able to sing after a lifetime of not, but do I really need to … I don’t know, expose myself like this?”

I sighed, heavily. “I suppose not,” I opened the car door for him. We all crammed into the not big enough car, and as soon as Petey got himself inside--the lederhosen vanished. To my extreme disappointment, not to mention his extreme relief, his Spidey-suit reappeared on his body a moment or so after. Of course, that moment or so was an eternity to Petey who only wore his birthday suit and face mask for it. 

“You’re lucky I love you,” said Petey. It was the first time he’d said it to me, and I used all of my will power not to react to it in any other way other than it was the most normal sounding thing in the world. And it did sound normal, the way he said it. Still, holy fucking surprise, Batman! “Aren’t you going to ask me why I said that?”

“Oh, I figured you said it because I am lucky that you love me,” I gave him a side-eyed look. “Was there another reason?”

“Anyone who didn’t love you wouldn’t put up with your shit,” he said.

“Hell, even most of the ones that DO love me, DON’T put up with my shit,” I said. “Which only makes it worse for them.” 

“You’re such a big brat,” Petey said. 

“Ooh, are you going to punish me?” I bounced in my seat and bumped into Brigitta. “Have I been a bad, bad boy?”

“Don’t even tempt me.” 

“Tempt. Tempt. Tempt,” I repeated and repeated and repeated. All the way back to the villa. “Tempt. Tempt. Tempt,” I said while we all peeled ourselves out of the vehicle. Petey was not amused in the slightest.

“Are you sure father will approve of our singing in public?” Louisa asked Uncle Max. 

“He’ll be pleased and proud,” Uncle Max lied as easily as breathing. 

“Liesl, do you think so?” Louisa turned to her sister.

“Don’t you trust me?” Uncle Max looked hurt. 

“No,” Louisa said.

“You’re a very intelligent girl,” Uncle Max patted her shoulder.

“Rent-a-Tempt. Rent-a-Tempt. Rent--” I overdramatized a sharp inhale. I caught sight of something, truly horrific. Zombie-Rolf was coming down the drive. It looked like he’d been sewn up. Possibly by a mad scientist Nazi fuck. His face was a web of scars and stitches. His back, still broken, as the dead don’t heal, made his torso lean toward the left. He hunched and swayed with each step. There was something pinned to his jacket. “Why the fuck won’t this asshole stay dead?”

“I’ll deal with him,” said Liesl. She marched up to the zombie. He lurched for her. She sidestepped him. She clutched the thing pinned to his jacket in her fist and kicked him in the torso. This snapped whatever was holding up the zombie’s spine. He collapsed in half, backwards. 

The villa gates opened. A familiar car with familiar faces pulled into the drive, and the children burst into cheers of welcome to their father and new stepmother. Captain Daddy parked in front of the house. The blackened vein crept further up his cheek, taking over most of his face now. I took a longer look at Maria. On the edges of her sleeves, you could see the poking out, the same blackened veins. I was afraid this might happen. Still, Captain Daddy looked like he was mostly himself. He marched over to the front door, tore down the Nazi flag Herr Zeller left him, and then ripped it in half. 

“Oh, you came back just in time,” said Liesl. She skipped over to Maria. “Look, Fraulein Mari--I mean, mother. We’re going to sing in the festival tonight! We’ve been having a lovely time. We’ve been rehearsing all--”

“Surprise, surprise!” Captain Daddy cut Liesl short and gave Uncle Max the eye. A smile snuck out of the corner of his lips. “Surprises on the terrace.” The children scampered off, and Captain Daddy paced around Uncle Max. “We’ll talk about this.” 

“I would’ve told you,” said Uncle Max. “But you were away. I had to make a last minute decision. I was fortunate to enter them at all. They’ll be the talk of the festival. Imagine, seven children all in one family!”

“Max!” Captain Daddy gripped Max’s right shoulder with a grey hand. “Somehow, I recall having made it quite clear to you how I feel about my family singing in public!” 

“The committee was enchanted!” Uncle Max tried pulling away from Captain Daddy, but it was futile. 

“What did they say?” sarcasm soaked Captain Daddy’s tone.

“I have never heard such enthusiasm,” said Uncle Max. “Don’t you think just this once--”

“Absolutely out of the question!” 

“Why does Captain Dad--ugh, you’ve got ME calling him that now--why does the captain not want his kids singing in public?” Petey asked when we emerged onto the back terrace.

“Oh,” I sighed. “It was just for the musical. Captain Daddy wasn’t like that in real life. They had to add drama to the story for the stage and screen, you know.” 

“Ah hah,” Petey nodded. “You know an awful lot about this.” 

“I like what I like,” I said. 

“Georg,” Uncle Max pleaded. “This is for Austria.” 

“For Austria?” Captain Daddy shook his head. “There is no Austria!” 

“But the Anschluss was peaceful,” Uncle Max pointed out. “Let’s be grateful for that!”

“Grateful?!” Captain Daddy’s eyes flashed. He gritted his teeth, and a cold expression washed over his face. “You know, Max … sometimes, I don’t believe I know you.” 

“Father,” Liesl dashed up to Captain Daddy and pulled on his shoulder. For a second, I thought he might try to bite her, but the spell of anger he was under broke. “I forgot. This is for you.” She handed him the thing that was pinned to zombie-Rolf. It was a telegram. 

“Maria,” Uncle Max turned to her, but she was busy handing out gifts to the children. This didn’t stop him from trying. “He has got to at least pretend to work with these people. You must convince him.” 

“Max, I can’t ask him to be less than he is,” she said, all idealistic and shit.

“Then I’ll talk to him,” Uncle Max resolved, as if his talking to him many times previously on the subject were just warm-up sessions to the talk he now prepared for. “If the children don’t sing, well … it will be a reflection on Austria. Oh, I know. It wouldn’t do me any good either.” Uncle Max continues to rail Captain Daddy about the virtues of participating in the festival. Liesl pulled Maria off to one side. 

“Mother?” Liesl said. “That sounds so nice. I like calling you ‘mother.’”

“I like hearing it,” Maria smiled at the girl. 

“You love father very much,” said Liesl. “I can tell you do.” 

“Very much,” said Maria.

“Mother,” Liesl sighed. “What do you do when you think you love someone? I mean, when you stop loving someone … or they stop loving you?”

“Who is this asshole?” I pushed my way between them. “I’ll kill him!” 

“I think you already have,” said Petey. “Multiple times.” 

“Oh, right.” 

“Well,” Maria pushed me out of the way. “You cry a little. Then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.” 

“There are so many things I think I should know, but I don’t,” said Liesl. “I really don’t.” 

“How can you?” Maria took her stepdaughter’s hands in her own. 

“Sometimes I feel like the world is ending,” Liesl sighed again.

“Then you feel it’s just beginning?”

“Yes!”

“It was that way with me,” Maria nodded. “And for you it will be just as wonderful.” 

“Do you really think so?”

“I went today,” Maria sang. The sound of Stevie Nicks filled the back garden to my motherfucking delight. “Maybe I will go again tomorrow. And the music there it was hauntingly familiar.” 

“When I see you doing what I try to do for me,” sand Liesl. “With the words from a poet and the voice from a choir and a melody … nothing else mattered!” 

“Just like a white winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singin’,” I shook my booty to the beat.

“You gotta do much better if you gon’ dance with me tonight!” Now Liesl got into the groove beside me. “You’ve got to work your jelly if you gon’ dance with me tonight!” 

“Just like a white winged done sings a song sounds like she’s singin’ it for you!” 

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” Liesl and Maria swayed on either side of me. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!” Our collective eyes were all locked with Petey’s. “I don’t think you’re ready for this!” The music stopped, and Captain Daddy strode over to us. 

“What is it?” Maria asked. 

“Berlin,” Captain Daddy said. “They’ve offered me a commission. I’ve been requested to accept immediately and report to their naval base at Bremerhaven tomorrow. I knew this would happen. I didn’t think it would be so soon. To refuse them would be fatal for all of us. And joining them would be unthinkable. Get the children all together. Don’t say anything to worry them. Just get them ready. We’ve got to get out of Austria--and this house--tonight.” 

I turned back to Petey to show him how excited I was that the big finish was on its way, but he was gone. Vanished. Where, oh where could my Spidey-friend have gone?


	13. The von Trapp Family Mercenaries

We pushed Captain Daddy’s car out into the drive. And when I say “we,” I don’t mean me. I was watching from up in a tree at the end of the drive making sure there were no Nazis around. I was distracted from this task though. Why had Petey disappeared?

“This strains my back and breaks my heart,” said Uncle Max. The car crunched the gravel beneath it. “When I think of the children missing the festival.” 

“By your announcement we’ll be over the border,” said Captain Daddy. 

“Do you appreciate the sacrifice I am making?”

“You have no choice,” Captain Daddy pointed out. 

“I know,” Uncle Max sighed. “That’s why I’m making it.”

“Why doesn’t father turn the motor on?” asked Marta.

“Because he doesn’t want anyone to hear us,” whispered Gretl.

“What will Frau Schmidt and Franz say?” Liesl asked Maria. 

“They’ll be able to answer honestly, they didn’t know anything,” said Maria. 

“Not to mention, Franz is a fucking sympathizer,” I mumbled to myself. 

“Will we be coming back here?”

“Someday, Liesl,” Maria caressed the girl’s cheek. “I do hope someday.”

“Are father and Uncle Max going to push the car all the way to Switzerland?” I was loving the sarcasm coming out of Gretl’s mouth. Then they appeared. Suddenly, the darkness gave way to the rudely bright headlights of a car at the end of the drive.

“Something wrong with your car, captain?” asked Herr fucking Zeller. 

“Yes,” said Captain Daddy without missing a beat. “We couldn’t get it started.” 

“Karl,” said Herr Zeller. “Fix Captain von Trapp’s car so that it will start.” A man who was mostly uniform walked over to the driver's side, turned the key in the ignition, and the car started with ease. “Excellent, Karl,” Herr Zeller faced Captain Daddy. “I’ve not asked you where you and your family are going. Nor have you asked me why I am here.” 

“Apparently, we both suffer from a deplorable lack of curiosity,” Captain Daddy put on a smile. 

Herr Zeller stiffened. “You never answered the telegram from the Admiral of the Navy of the Third Reich.” 

“I was under the impression, Herr Zeller,” Captain Daddy’s face was darker than the night surrounding it. “That the contents of telegrams in Austria are private! At least, the Austria I know.” 

“I have my orders,” said Herr Zeller. “To take you to Bremerhaven tonight where you will accept your commission.” 

“I’m afraid that is going to be quite impossible,” said Captain Daddy. “You see, we--all of us--the entire family, will be singing in the festival tonight. As a matter of fact, we’re going now. We couldn’t possibly let them down now.” 

“I just hope we’re not too late,” said Maria.

“Yes,” said Captain Daddy.

“You ask me to believe that you, Captain von Trapp,” Herr Zeller looked him up and down. “Are singing in a concert?” 

“Believe me,” said Captain Daddy. “It will be a performance beyond anything even I’ve dreamt of. Like you, Herr Zeller, I too am a man of hidden talents.” 

“Yes?” Herr Zeller looked up at my tree as if he knew someone was hidden there. What the fuck was going on with this dude?

“Here,” Captain Daddy held out a handbill out to Herr Zeller. “Program.” 

“It says only the names of the children,” Herr Zeller looked up from it. 

“It says, ‘The von Trapp Family Singers,’” said Captain Daddy. “And I am the head of the von Trapp family, am I not?”

“And these travel clothes that you’re all wearing?” He made a gesture at the clothes and pocketed the handbill.

“Our costumes, naturally,” said Maria. “The night air is not good for the children’s voices.” 

“Well,” said Herr Zeller, all smiles and self-satisfaction. “A slight delay in my orders will not be serious. Therefore, you will sing. You will all sing, but only because that’s what I want. It will demonstrate that nothing in Austria has changed. And when you have finished singing, you, Captain von Trapp, will be taken to Bremerhaven. Now, if you will all get into your car, we will escort The von Trapp Family Singers to the festival.”

“No escort will be necessary,” said Captain Daddy. 

“Necessary?” Herr Zeller laughed. “A pleasure, captain. After all, we would not want you to get lost in the crowds. Would we?”

“No,” Captain Daddy glared at the Nazi shithead. And, to my complete surprise, Captain Daddy called out in one clear note, “Sew!” 

Without hesitation, Brigitta pulled out er daggers. “A needle pulling thread!” She let them fly, and they sank into the eye-sockets of the German guard standing to the left of Herr Zeller. “La!” 

“You’re ruining the show!” Louisa spun away from the car. She kicked at the back of the knees of another guard, forcing him to the ground. Then, she called out, “Tea!” 

“A drink with jam and bread!” sand Friedrich. He stepped forward, took the guard’s head in his hand, and twisted it halfway around. The guard collapsed, dead. 

The other guards pulled out their weapons, but the children were way ahead of them. A tear of pride came to my eye. Herr Zeller climbed back into his car. Just as he was about to pull away I saw Gretl spring into the open back window of the car. Frank passed in front of Herr Zeller’s face, and a slice ran across his right cheek. He grabbed Gretl and tossed her out of the opposite window and then drove away. I jumped out of the tree and caught her before she hit the ground.

“Hey there, brilliant girl,” I hoisted Gretl up onto one of my shoulders. “That was some mighty quick thinking.” So I couldn’t harm Herr Zeller, but Gretl could. 

She shrugged. “He made me so mad.” 

“Me too,” I said. We all piled into the car. Captain Daddy took off with a peal that sent a spray of gravel behind us. “Where are we going?” 

“To the border,” Captain Daddy said. 

“I was thinking,” I leaned into his ear from the back seat. “Maybe we should still go to the festival.” 

“I want to make sure my family is safe,” said Captain Daddy. “We must leave Austria while there is still a chance.” 

“Maria, you’ll back me up on this one, right?” I turned to her. “The children have been working so hard.” 

“I can’t say the danger is worth it, Wade,” said Maria. “Not for us.” 

“Wait a second,” I said. “What is it that Reverend Mother is always saying that you are always quoting? You can’t run away from your problems. You have to face them. Face these Nazi shitheads with me. The children are ready.” 

Maria and Captain Daddy looked from me to the expectant eyes of the children to each other. Both of them sighed. Captain Daddy shrugged his shoulders and made a hard turn in the direction of Salzburg. In less than twenty minutes, we were all at the theatre. This was also good for Uncle Max, because he also happened to be presenting the awards later in the evening. I took Kurt’s place on the stage due to Petey’s continued non-reappearance. I wondered if it had anything to do with that thing I wouldn’t let him tell me about. Probably not. We all stood in our line across the stage. Captain Daddy stepped forward to the singular microphone.

“My fellow Austrians,” Captain Daddy addressed the whole crowd. “I shall not be seeing you again, perhaps for a very long time. I would like to sing for you now … a love song. I know you share this love. I pray that you will never let it die.” And then he sang. “Edelweiss, edelweiss. Every morning you greet me.” He inhaled a shuddering breath. The audience gasped. 

“Oh, shit,” I said. 

“Small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to meet me.” All of Captain Daddy’s muscles went rigid. His shoulders twitched in a hard convulsion. “Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow. Bloom and grow forever!” Captain Daddy let out a guttural shriek that cause most of the audience to cover their ears. “Edelweiss, edelweiss. Bless my homeland forever. Edelweiss, edel--weiss…” he stammered. It sounded like he was about to start crying. Which made ME want to start crying. Which made the AUTHOR want to start crying … but Captain Daddy was not crying. Maria tried to save the situation by coming up beside him and singing along with him, but he didn’t budge. For a second, he was still as a corpse. 

“I think it will work,” I heard Uncle Max whisper to Gretl conspiratorially. “I shall miss all of you. I shall miss the money I could have made with you.” Before I could ask them what, he moved toward the stage. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.” Maria tried coaxing Captain Daddy off the stage, but he just stood there. Stiff and unmoving. “The competition has come to its conclusion … except, we don’t know yet what that conclusion will be. And while the judges arrive at their decision, I have been given permission to offer you an encore. This will be the last opportunity the von Trapps will have of singing together for a long, long time. Even now, officials are waiting in this auditorium to escort Captain von Trapp to his new command in the naval forces of the Third Reich. And so, ladies and gentlemen, the family von Trapp again to bid you farewell.” Uncle Max cleared the stage and the music began.

“There a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and bells in the steeple too,” sang Maria, swaying on the stage with her husband. “And up in the nursery and absurd little bird is popping out to say ‘coo-coo!’”

“Coo-coo!” sang Liesl and Marta who popped out of the audience and sunk their swords into the closest Nazis. 

“Coo-coo!” I snapped Kurt’s leash. He growled and launched himself at the woman beside the Nazi I intended him to attack. And so it goes. 

“Regret--” Captain Daddy choked on his words. Now was the time. I was ever-so sad to see him deteriorate like this. He let out another shriek and arched his back. He collapsed onto the stage floor.

Maria gave the audience a helpless stare. Then as if she’d forgotten that her husband was on the floor, becoming the undead, she sang out with all of her might. “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night!” 

“We hate to go,” sand Liesl and Marta. They sprinted down the center aisle. Marta materialized a bow, and her arrows flew in all directions. Liesl took care of the melee Nazis with katanas. “And miss this pretty sight!” 

“So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!” Maria sang her last. She convulsed and fell over, writhing on the stage.

“Adieu, adieu,” Friedrich swung from the catwalks above the stage and used a rope to glide in a perfect arch over the audience. He took out his pistols and plugged the guards on either side of Herr Zeller. “To you and you and you!” He was about to shoot at Herr Zeller as well, but the shithead vanished and reappeared on the other side of the theatre.

“So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!” sand Herr Zeller. 

“Wait a goddamned second,” I tugged at Kurt’s chain. “That is not your line!” 

“We flit,” Brigitta and Louisa danced in the aisles on their side of the theatre. They extended their katanas, and they whirled. “We float,” they both leaped and lunged forward, ignorant that it was their enemy who gave the command. “We fleetly flee, we fly!” Gretl dove off of the stage toward her sisters. They grabbed her by the arms and flung her high over the audience. 

“So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-fuckin’-bye!” I sang with all of my being. 

“The sun has gone to bed and so must I!” Gretl tumbled through the air. She drew Anne and frank from their sheaths and prepared to sink the into that jerk, Herr Zeller’s, chest. Or, at least they would have if he hadn’t disappeared from the scene a split second before her blades pierced him.

“MotherFUCKER!” My curse echoed throughout the theatre. Ooh--cliffhanger!


	14. Nuns, Nazis, and Zombies--Oh My!

That’s when all the motherfucking shit broke lose. Gretl pulled Anne and Frank out of her empty seat and jumped as high as she could. Time slowed down. Every single member for the audience turned to Gretl in unison and reached for her. They were crazed, climbing over each other. Somehow, without even being killed, every single one of them had turned into a rampaging zombie. Within that moment, before Gretl reached the crest of her jump and started the descent to her doom, a streak of blue and red crossed my vision. It was Petey! He scooped up Gretl. I smiled so fucking big under my mask, I think I sprained a cheek muscle. The zombie audience lurched after them, but they swung safely away. 

Realizing the futility of holding Kurt on his chain now that the entire building was filled with brain-hungry zombies--and some of them Nazi shithead zombies--I decided to let him go. He looked at the leash for a moment, and then up at me. I might have told the little guy he was free, and to join his new zombie family, but Liesl pulled on my arm just then.

“Father and mother have completely turned!” she pointed to the stage. Indeed, Captain Daddy and Maria were both fully fledged zombies. “What are we going to do?”

Marta came into my vision. She was trapped in the fray of zombies. She was fighting them off, but one latched onto her arm with a vicious chomp! She dropped the dagger she had in that hand and simultaneously brought the dagger in her other hand around and into the zombie’s ear. This left Marta’s back wide open, and a huge zombie pounced on her, obscuring my view. I looked away from her, and there was Friedrich. He created a pile of zombies with his gun, shooting them in their heads. The un-undead did not stay un-undeaded for long. I guess you could say they were reundeaded to another zombie life.

My eyes crossed the room. Everything was going in slow motion in order to give you some more fancy description of this zombie battle. I know you nerds like that kind of thing. I mean, I know you’d be just as entertained if I just stood here for the whole fic and shook my ass at Petey. Speaking of Petey, that’s REALLY why I scanned the room. Where, oh where did my little radioactive-arachnid buddy go?

“We need to regroup,” I turned back to Liesl. “We’re not going to be able to hold them off forever. I think it’s about time I let Petey do some splainin’.”

“Splainin’?” Liesl cocked her head. “What is ‘splainin’?”

“You know, splainin’,” I said. “Like when I splain to you something you never understood before, like what the word splain means. Now you understand it. Understand?”

“Do you really think that now is the time for Ricky Ricardo impressions?” Petey came up behind Liesl and rolled his eyes. He was wearing his mask, but I know he rolled his eyes. 

“I love it when you scold me like Lucy,” I said. “You can be my Ricky any day.” A zombie approached the edge of the stage. It looked at me the wrong way. I punched it in the face. “What’s the plan, Spiderman?”

“Oh, so NOW you want to know?!” Petey threw his hands in the air, but clearly he cared. “Well, that’s good, Wade, because that’s why I left.”

“Is the ride over so soon?” I feigned sadness. “We almost got to the end of the movie.” 

Petey shook his head. 

“Wade, Wade, Wade,” said a strangely familiar voice. “How do I put this, Wade? You fucked up.” 

I turned to see the face of Herr fucking Zeller. That bastard. My arms froze halfway to Bea and Arthur. I was frozen in place. I sighed. This guy was doing me an upset. “Goddamnit, motherfucking piece of shit!” 

“Colorful,” said Herr Zeller, but again with that strange voice that was not his own. “Very colorful, Wade.” 

“Stop saying my name as if you know me,” I spat. “Who the fuck ARE you?”

“Still haven’t figured it out, have you?” Herr Zeller shook his head. His face morphed. It was a face I knew all too well. It was my own face. Blonde hair, great cheekbones, and no scars from my shit for of a past life.

“Something has gone wrong with your headgear,” Petey said. “Your brain is integrating with the program.” 

I squinted at the Herr Zeller-me. “Whitey?” I asked, and he nodded. “Where is Yellow?” But he didn’t answer this. I would have shook my head, but my body was still paused. My mouth was the only thing that still worked. “You killed Kurt!” 

“No, Wade. You killed Kurt,” said the Whitey possessed Herr Zeller. “You killed Kurt the moment you started making changes and giving us an opportunity to escape your mind prison!” 

“You’re an asshole,” I said. Then I sang out, “Layee-odl-layee-odl-lay!” I unfroze.

Gretl flipped over my head with a “hee-hoo!” And she brought Anne and Frank around in a spiral, slicing Whitey in three. First his head rolled off his shoulders, then his torso slid off his hips. 

“WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!” Peter screamed. “You may have permanently damaged--”

“He killed Kurt,” I said. 

[Aaaaaaaaaah!] I heard Whitey’s voice box scream back into my head. 

“Calm down, Whitey,” I smacked the side of my face. “He’s back. Now all we have to do is find Yellow. Right?”

“Wade,” Petey was all out of patience. He seemed to listen to something for a second and then he laughed. He laughed and laughed. He weeped through his face mask he laughed so much. 

“Have I finally broken you?” I asked.

“It seems killing Herr Zeller worked,” Petey said. “When the character died, you gained some control back.” 

“You know,” I brushed a finger down Petey’s chest. “I still don’t know how I got here in the first place.” 

“You don’t remember, because the glitches started almost immediately after you went under,” said Petey. “You’re hooked up to a virtual training console at headquarters. You volunteered.” 

“That was unusual of me,” I said. I pulled Petey close to me. “Did you ask me to do it?”

“No,” Petey said. “Actually, I tried to talk you out of it, but you were determined to do it.” 

“Oh, I see,” I said. I shook my head. “You begged me to do it. Why ‘The Sound of Music?’ Not that I am complaining.”

“That was also your idea,” said Petey. “You said to immerse you in whatever was playing on ABC at 8pm today. Thus, ‘The Sound of Music.’”

“Phew,” I said. “Thank God it’s not the Carrie Underwood cast. Stephen Moyer though. Woof.” 

“You’re starting to get on my nerves, Wade.” 

“Only starting?” I asked, and then gasped. “I know where Yellow is!”

“That’s great, Wade,” my Spideypool senses told me Petey was being a little sarcastic. 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” I asked. 

“I’m worried about you, and you’re being--”

“Me?” I shrugged. “I’ve been reduced to a single cell, and they haven’t been able to get rid of me yet. What you SHOULD be worried about is Gretl beating your zombie kill count.” 

“Where is Yellow?” Petey huffed. “I want to get you out of here.” 

“God, you give me such a chubby when you’re angry,” I said. “If I were Yellow, and I am, there is only one form I would take. Oh, I am so excited; I’ve always wanted to do this!” 

“DO. WHAT?!”

“We’re going to kill Hitler!” I pushed an index finger against Petey’s masked lips. Then I pecked his forehead. I snatched up Gretl, and I put her on my shoulders. Liesl was able to get to Friedrich and Louisa. They were fine. Marta, unfortunately, was not. In fact, most of her was gone. Devoured by the zombie audience. Kurt was nowhere to be seen. Now where the hell was Brigitta? I hadn’t seen her in a while. 

Sister Berthe appeared in the wings. She greeted me with a stone-faced expression and silence. She loved me. Without saying a word, she turned and we followed her out of the chaos that was inside the theatre. On the way out of the door, we noticed one of the zombies awkwardly bowing to the other zombies in the audience. Sister Margaretta waited in the car outside. Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Gretl, Petey, and I piled in the back, and Sister Berthe took the other front seat.

“Reverend Mother says the borders were closed earlier tonight,” said Sister Margaretta. She looked at us in the rear-view mirror. “But I think you knew that was going to happen.” 

“I know this movie like righty and lefty know shafty,” I said. 

“You. Are. Dis. Gust. Ing!” Petey swatted me with each syllable. 

“Oh, come on,” I poked him in the ribs. “Like you’ve never made a fleshlight out of your webbing before.” 

Sister Margaretta charged through the streets of Salzburg. Nazis and zombies, and some zombie-Nazis were on our tails. We managed to lose them right before arriving at the abbey, but they were still not too far behind. Sister Margaretta pulled in through the gates and into an old horse stall used for the car. Sister Sophia and Sister Agatha were there and they slammed the gates shut behind us.

We all climbed out of the car and met Reverend Mother at the entrance to the abbey. She hurried us inside and locked the door behind us. We followed her down a few dark hallways until we came outside again. We were in an enclosed graveyard. You know, the perfect place to hide in case of zombie-Nazi attacks!

“Everybody, in positions for the Do-Re-Mi defense,” I said to the children. They scattered. 

The moon came out and lit the graveyard with its pale luminescence. I heard the low burbling of the undead, stirring in the ground below us. Some were locked in stone tombs, and they rattled the lids. The sound sent a chill down my spine that was rather pleasant. Petey and I hid behind a pillar at the edge of the graveyard. I looked into his eyes and saw the moon reflected there. I might have forgotten everything that was going on if Friedrich hadn’t screamed in terror. I looked out from behind the pillar to see Friedrich struggling with a significantly deteriorated corpse. It was latched onto his leg. There was a dark patch of blood rolling down his lederhosen. 

“Rolf, please!” Liesl shrieked. She sprinted over to her brother, kicked the fleshy blob of pulp and broken bones that was once a young lad named Rolf. It let out an odious moan. There was a loud crunching noise and Friedrich whaled. Damn, I’m getting good at this descriptive thing.

I was about to intercede when Brigitta appeared out of nowhere and said, ‘’Wait!” 

“Hey, where did you come from?” I asked her. “I thought we lost you at the theatre.” 

“There was someone I thought should be here,” she nodded toward Liesl, Friedrich, and the zombie-Rolf.

I looked over to them and saw another figure moving between the headstoned. She was dress in all black, and her hair was tied back much more simply than I had seen it previously. Still, she was a goddess in motion. Her rapier was drawn, and she approached the living corpse. The Baroness sliced through the pile of undead flesh.

“We brought the others, too,” said Brigitta. 

“The others?” I asked.

“Kurt, Marta, Father … Mother,’ said Brigitta. “And Uncle Max, too!” 

“Is he still human?”

“Was he ever?” was Brigitta’s reply.

“Kurt and the other zombies,” Liesl said. “What good are they going to be in a fight?’

“It’s strange,” said Brigitta. “They don’t act like the other zombies. They seem to remember. Marta tried to bite me, and I wasn’t paying attention. Luckily, she stopped herself long enough for me to notice and restrain her. They can help us.” 

I looked away from Brigitta just in time to see zombie- Captain Daddy come into view. He bounded over the Baroness and landed on top of zombie-Rolf. With his bare, undead hands he ripped the tattered remains of Rolf asunder. I was sure there would be no coming back from this one. Especially since this was the last chapter of my fic. I turned to Petey.

“This is it,” I said. “Time for the dramatic conclusion. He’s here. I can feel it.” 

“Hitler is here? In this graveyard full of zombies?” Petey sighed. 

“There!” I pointed at the hill on the edge of the graveyard. A strange light came from behind the figure. More movie musical magic, I could only assume. “You’d get back in my head, Yellow, if you knew what’s good for you!”

“At last,” said Yellow-Hitler. “The pain will finally be over, Wade. Think about it--we’ll be a vegetable! Alive, but blissfully unconscious of it!” 

“Clearly, you haven’t been reading my comics!” I said. “Epic healing factor. Like, super epic. You know how many times we’ve tried to kill myself. Why don’t you just stop all of this and get back in my head. You’re weirding out Petey over here.” 

The Baroness ran toward Yellow-Hitler. It was too late to stop her. Her rapier flashed. Yellow-Hitler raised a hand and three fresh zombies clawed their way out of the ground. They grabbed and caught the Baroness by the feet and brought her down to the ground. “No!” Liesl shouted. She pulled two semi-automatics from leg holsters beneath her skirt and shot at the zombies attacking the Baroness. The Baroness brought her rapier down, piercing one zombie through the eye, releasing a wave of goo. Liesl pulled the Baroness up by her side. She kicked at the dead and they careened back. There was just enough time between waves of zombies for the Baroness to use her free arm to wrap around Liesl’s waist and pull her close. Liesl pushed herself up on her toes and pressed her lips against the Baroness’. The moon surrounded them in a soft glow. 

Yellow-Hitler moved away from them. He didn’t get very far though. He wasn’t looking where he was going, and he walked into a very disgruntled Sister Berthe. She gave him a withering scowl which made him and all of the surrounding zombies shrink away from her. 

“Aren’t you going to do anything?” Petey came up beside me with bits of zombie gore flecked over his costume. 

“The fight is over,” I said. “Look.”

A cloud covered the moon and shrouded the graveyard in darkness. When the light returned a half of a minute later, the whole cloister of sisters and Reverend Mother herself were behind Sister Berthe. They surrounded Yellow-Hitler. He stood in the center of the circle, but he was not alone. Gretl was there with him. 

“You don’t frighten me, little Fraulein,” said Yellow-Hitler. “Run away, while you still can.”

Gretl drew Anne and Frank from their sheaths with a toothy grin and darkened eyes. “Deadpool taught me, ‘You can’t run away from your problems. You have to face them.’” She sprang at him in a blur. Yellow-Hitler screamed, turned to run, and went ass over tea-kettle, flipping over a tombstone he hadn’t seen. He turned himself over and looked back. Gretl squatted on the top of the stone, her shadow cast over Yellow-Hitler’s contorting face.

“You’re almost too pathetic to kill,” said Gretl. “Rest assured, your death is imminent.” 

“So cold for one so young,” said Yellow-Hitler.

“You’ve destroyed so much,” answered Gretl. “You’ve surrounded yourself with death, and you’ve infected the good with it. No matter how weak you make yourself now, history will have its revenge on you.” 

“You tell ‘em, Gretl!” I shouted. 

Gretl somersaulted off of the tombstone and onto Yellow-Hitler’s chest. He squealed in horror. I squealed in delight. Petey rolled his eyes at me. I got a warm and fuzzy … and a semi. Gretl raised Anne and Frank above her head. Yellow-Hitler whimpered. “Please, don’t make me go back in there.” He meant my head. Gretl’s katanas plunged into Yellow-Hitler’s shoulders. She yanked down, detaching his arms. He let out a howl of pain. Gretl sliced his throat to silence him. She crossed her swords in front of her and quartered the dictator, ending his life. She lopped off his head for good measure. The undead roared, then fell to the ground, lifeless once more. The nuns cleared away from Gretl and Yellow-Hitler. I grabbed Petey’s hand and pulled him along with me to Gretl’s side. We stood over the hunks of steaming flesh that remained. I looked around at the corpses, everywhere. 

“Bonfire?” I suggested. Gretl smiles and nodded, vigorously.

[[Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!]]

“Welcome back, Yellow!” I said. 

“They’re all dead,” Liesl came up behind us. Her hand held tight onto the Baroness’. “Father, mother, Kurt. All of those who turned.”

“What are we going to do?” asked Brigitta. “Who is going to take care of us?”

“We can take care of ourselves,” said Gretl. Friedrich nodded at her, limping over on his bitten leg. It didn’t look infected. 

“You can come and stay with me,” said the Baroness. Her grip tightened on Liesl’s hand. “That is, if that is what you want.” 

“Is that what you want?” the fullness of the question was in Liesl’s eyes.

“Darling,” the Baroness took Liesl all the way into her arms.

I piled corpses on top of the hunks of Hitler and poured gasoline all over them. I struck a match, bent over at the waist, and handed it to Gretl. She took it from me, grinned her delightfully evil grin, and flicked it onto the pile. Lit by the full moon and a bonfire of zombie-nazi corpses, Liesl and the Baroness kissed. Everything started glowing bright and brighter until my fic was in full white out. 

The end …


	15. Ain't No Mountain High Enough

“Now, waaaaaaait a minute!” Sister Berthe squawked. 

Off screen, Uncle Max could be heard counting off, “And one, two, one-two--” drums rolled, and the music started. I appeared in the center of the whiteness. “If you need me, call me. No matter where you are,” Petey swung by and I chased after him. “No matter how far. Don’t worry, baby!” 

“Just call out my name,” the scene switched to Liesl and the Baroness. Liesl twirled and sang, “I’ll be there in a hurry--you don’t have to worry. Cuz baby there--”

“Ain’t no mountain high enough!” The scene changed again. Uncle Max stood in front of a choir of zombies. They sang wonderfully, and he looked mighty pleased with his new ending. “Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from gettin’ to you, babe.” 

“Remember the day I set you free,” the scene shifted to Captain Daddy singing to Maria. They were as undead looking as the last time we saw them, but also completely alive again. No one questioned this. “I told you, you could always count on me, darlin’.”

“And from that day on,” Maria sang and leaned into his arms. “I made a vow. I’ll be there when you want me--someway, somehow!” 

“Cuz baby, there ain’t no mountain high enough!” The scene changed to the von Trapp children marching across the screen. “Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from gettin’ to you, babe.” 

“And no wind!” I sang. In another scene the wind blew me hard across the screen. I waggled my eyebrows at my double entendre.

“No wind,” Petey sang for my sake. Which was kinda hawt.

“No rain!” 

“Nooo rain,” Petey rolled his eyes. “Nor winter’s cold.”

“Can stop me, baby,” I thrust my hips into his. “Oh, baby!” 

“Cause you are my goal!” Petey finally gave in and really sang it. 

“If you’re ever in trouble, I’ll be there on the double,” I pressed all of myself up against all of his-self. The camera zoomed in real close until we were kissing, but also singing over the scene. “Just send for me--oh, baby!” 

“My love is alive,” Maria sang. The scene changed to the entire von Trapp family lined up in an order that had no meaning, but was visually pleasing. “Deep down in my heart, although we are miles apart!” 

“If you ever need a helping hand,” the Baroness ran through the scene and grabbed Liesl’s hand. “I’ll be there on the double--just as fast as I can!” 

All of the children ran after them, signing, “Dontcha know that there ain’t no mountain high enough! Ain’t no valley low enough! Ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from gettin’ to you, babe!” 

The scene culminated with the entire cast, Herr Zeller and Hitler chunks included, grouped together singing the final refrain. “Ain’t no mountain high enough! Ain’t no valley low enough! Ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you!” This repeated, and everyone blew kisses and signs of affection at you, reader. We all hope you enjoyed this little excursion! 

The … end?


	16. Epilogue

Stan Lee pressed a button and the lenses covering my eyes flipped up. The fancy headgear sprang to life and detached itself from my head. I saw the same happening to Petey. He was in the chair beside me. He shook his head at me once we were both free from our machines. 

“How’s it hangin’ creator-man?” I asked Stan. Stan shrugged and left the room. Petey sighed. “Bay-bay, it’s all over.” I nudged Petey’s leg with my foot. He jumped off of his machine and stood facing the door. “Look, I can’t be apologetic for getting carried away in there. Like you said, the system glitched.” 

“Most likely, because you fucked with it.” 

“Is that what is really bothering you?” I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. 

“I don’t know if I can handle this whole non-monogamous thing,” Petey said. He shrugged a little, but he didn’t shrug me off.

“It’s not for everyone,” I admitted. “I like you, Peter Parker. I really like you. And, I think, through constant badgering I’ve made you like me.”

He turned and looked up at my face. “Take off your mask.” 

“Yes, sir,” I ripped it off. There was another beneath it. He sighed. “I couldn’t resist.” I pulled off the second mask and exposed my scarred face to him. 

“You keep using these terms of endearment with me,” Petey studied my face. “But you don’t want a commitment. Not that I was looking for a commitment from you. This is new territory for me. I’ve never been attracted to a guy in this way before.” 

“It’s not much different from being attracted to women,” It was my turn to shrug. “You know there is no pressure for us to have sex, right? I’ll be damned if we don’t stay friends, but the fucking is optional.” 

Petey laughed. I cocked my head. “Butt fucking,” he snickered and then he sighed. “I guess we’ll just have to see how this develops then.” Something on Stan’s console caught Petey’s eye. He looked closer. “Well, that’s impossible.” 

“Nothing is impossible with me around,” I said. There was a green flashing light, and it made Petey think entirely too hard. “What does it mean?”

“It means that there is someone connected to the virtual reality program,” said Petey. He shook his head. “As you can see, there is no one in the chairs. Somehow, the program is still running.” 

“Shall we go in for another round?” I waggled my non-existent eyebrows. “How about ‘Singing in the Rain’ this time?”

“We should try to figure out what the problem is before reconnecting,” Petey said. “Check to make sure everything is plugged in at your station.” 

“You got it, babe.” 

And that is where my fic ends, nerds. Oh, now don’t whine. It’s unattractive. Someday you might find out what happens to Peter Parker and Wade Wilson next. All that’s left to do here is one final prank to tie it all together. 

“Hey, Petey!” I said, popping out from my station stark naked. I shook my hips and wagged my cock at him.

“Grow up!” he said, but he took his time looking at me before going back to work at the console.

 

Oh, by the way, all you Vonne-fans: “Made you look!”


End file.
